People of the Earth

"What's the next planet on the list?"

"Uh, its... Earth, boss."

"Is that the windy place with the guys that are made out of worms and tinfoil?"

"Uh, naw, but its sorta close to there..."

"Oh man, don't tell me its the planet of the cave building pisstube people."

"That'd be the one, sir."

"How the hexx did that one get on the list?"

"I dunno, boss."

"This has got to be a joke, that Overlord Jizzax is always trying to make me look like a frickin' Puzz!"

"Uh, well, it doesn't look like a joke, sir."

"What's up with the boss? What's wrong with the Earth people?"

"Their waste removal system is their reproductive organs."

"AHAHA no way!"

"Yah, its' all bundled up between their hind legs for some reason, they even give birth through the same pipes that they use to excrete wastes."

"Holy Zaxxo!"

"Yah, and to make matters worse, all the animals on their planet do it that way, so they think they're normal, y'know, and they go around all proud and stuff as if nothing was wrong, its frickin' hilarous."

"But how did they evolve that way? That makes no sense! Everybody knows that survival of the species dictates that your sex organs should be on your head with the rest of your neural mass, where all your most powerful sensors can keep them from being damaged!"

"I think it has something to do with trying to inspect their own sex organs too much, they sorta stretched out and folded over, hexx, some of the earth animals can even clean their sex organs with their tongues."

"Oh man I'm gonna puke!"

"...the most "intelligent" species can't do that though, I asked them the last time we visited."

"What're you jealous that you can't wipe yerself off with your tongue after you take a dump, Franx?"

"Well, that's not even the worst of it, the boss hates 'em 'cause they build caves."

"Why the hexx would you want to build a cave?

"Well, I guess its because it reminds them of being fetuses growing inside their mother's waste removal system, its the only place they feel safe and comfortable or something. Even all their furniture is designed to support and display the ass like a pedestal."

"AHAHA, no, don't tell me this, this can't be for real, I'm gonna need to go to med bay."

"Oh, it gets even worse, their diplomatic team always want us to come inside their artificial ass caves with them and talk, they think its hospitality."

"Oh man doesn't it smell like ass in there? They're all ass babies!"

"Actually they're born out of the liquid waste tubes."

"Oh man!"

"Their society is organized by who shit them out though, right?"

"Yah, their leader isn't the smartest or anything, he's just a piece of crap that got shit out by some other important piece of shit, and he lives in a big White Asshole Cave in a city with a giant pisstube monument."

"And we have to go into their giant artificial asshole and invite them into the Galactic Federation?"

"Yah, that's really why the boss is so unhappy, having to go into their caves and talk with the shits is bad enough, even if you keep your helmet on the whole time, but he doesn't want to be the guy that's always remembered for bringing the Toilet Planet into the Federation."

"Oh man, poor guy!"

"And they're hard to deal with, on top of it, they're all prissy and proud and xenophobic."

"The turdlings? You have got to be kidding me!"

"Guys, they're not turdlings, they're born out of pisstubes, try to keep it straight."

"Whatever, the point is that their government has been covering up the truth about life outside their planet for a hundred centons already."

"Oh great, so they're like whacko turdling cultists on top of everything else."

"...pisstube cultists."

"Naw, our last visit went really bad when some of us had to flee the hospitality of their artificial ass caves because our spacesuits ran out of air."

"Well I don't blame you guys, I don't think I could stand to be in an artificial ass cave full of shits for very long, either, hey, I hope you guys burned the spacesuits afterwards and didn't just try to clean them off..."

"Yah, well, it wasn't that, exactly, it was that we tried to explain to them about their unique properties as a species, in order for them to fully understand how much torture is was for us to continue to communicate with them, and the treatment they could probably expect from all the other alien races, and I think they're just sorta embarrassed and mortified, I mean, I know I would be, if I was one of 'em."

"Or maybe they're just really pissed off! HAHA! Get it, pissed off? They are literally pissed off, aren't they?"

"Finally you losers get it right."

"Shut up, Franx."

"Man, there's no way we can actually invite these freaks into the Intergalactic Federation, is there?"

"Hey boss, what do you say we just skip this one and go on to the tinfoil-hat worm guys?"

"Well, we can't just skip them without disobeying our direct orders..."

"...but if we sorta accidentally get them to blow themselves up, there wouldn't be anybody to visit. Already on it, boss."

"Okay boys, you heard the man, its time for us to flush this frickin' toilet planet once and for all."

"Hey, you guys did burn the spacesuits after your last visit, right?"