The Humble Root of Paradox

Smiling Mike said we should be glad that people can't travel back in time.

Or even just look back in time.

Yah, seriously, man, I was thinking the same thing at first, never thought I'd hear Smiling Mike talk like that, that dude carved his own Stargate Action Figures out of wood or something in Boy Scouts, 'member?

"Here's my little MacGuyver guy! Wee! Pew! Pew!"

He actually even said that he hoped the world would blow up before we ever advanced technology to the point where a bunch of people from the future could watch us poor losers in the past sitting around in our underpants and jerking off through some kinda Time Viewer Device that he was sure would be the predecessor of a Time Travel Machine.

'Cause that'd be so frickin' embarrassing, right?

Well, especially to Smiling Mike, 'cause he got such a teensy-weener, y'know.

And the funniest bit was when he said that it wasn't fair that he only thought about the possibility of something like that happening now, after sitting around in his underpants and jerking off so much already, somebody should have warned us about the potential future embarrassment a long time ago!

Ahaha yah!

That was the last time I saw him, I think he's been on some kinda weird Time Phone kick like E.T. or something in his mom's basement.

Yah, his mom is smokin, I'd work in her anything anytime anyplace.

Daaaaammmmn, Chow!

But seriously, let's be honest, the threat of that Time Viewer shit ain't gonna stop hardly nobody from jerking off so much, man.

Heck, it's sure to turn some folks on even more to think there's an audience full of people in sparkling silver spacesuits watching them jerk off.

Well you know they already got a website for that kinda thing in Germany heh.

I do worry though that these guys with their fingers on the button are thinking about something like that, mebbe just even subconsciously, y'know, like, the "self-destructive suicidal warmonger" impulse may actually just be a way to avoid the possibility of further personal embarrassment due to impending Time Travel Type Stuff and a nasty masturbation addiction.

Y'know, like, "I need to blow myself up because I can't stop jerking off and jerking off is so embarrassing because everyone in the future is watching me and laughing!"

Well shit, there's tons of those creepy Physical Education Teacher type guys who are just like that, they go around like Mr. Clean in bright pastel-colored sweatpants calling people "sport" in public and then they go home and whip and choke themselves for thinking bad thoughts and shit while they jerk off.

Frickin' A, right?

Man, I'm so glad we aren't all telepathic, 'cause that would suck for the exact same reason that Time Travel does.

We'd all be forced to be honest and behave ourselves all the time, and that would really suck.

Well, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but complete and utter surgical honesty definitely wouldn't be pretty like the shit they show on Star Trek, whether we just totally gave up on behaving ourselves or went around trying to behave ourselves all the time while wishing we weren't actually behaving ourselves.

There's really no way to get away from all the jerking off we want to do, even if we don't do it!

Can't pretend your shit don't stink, 'cause everybody would know exactly how much your shit actually stunk ahaha.

Yah, for you, it'd sorta operate like some kinda Defense Mechanism, whew dawg, that's some stinky poo, call security we're gonna need to evacuate the building ahaha.

Yah, I suppose I could get used to that shit, I mean, if anybody could, it'd probably be me, right?

Well, shit, I'm already comfortable with the idea of people from the future watching me jerk off, that thing Smiling Mike said didn't even phase me, sometimes I enjoy trying to ruin it for the People of the Future by rubbing my nipples and making all kinds of crazy faces and hilarously dumb porno dialogue complete with the cheesy beatbox music and stuff ahaha.

Oh yah sure man, might as well go the whole nine yards and totally get in to it, y'know.

And I've already realized that if somebody can spend time watching me do my most embarrassing private shit, somebody else can watch them watching me doing that embarrassing shit, so they're the ones that are really gonna look like freaks, masturbation might be bad and everything, but vicarious masturbation is even worse heh.

Actually the guy that watches the guy watching a guy jerking off is pretty messed up too, now that I think about.

But mebbe they won't care that somebody might be watching them, just like I don't care that somebody might be watching me.

Maybe that turns them on.

Man, I hope people from the future don't hear this and check me out.

Well I don't really wanna be no kinda embarrassing Masturbation Comedy Celebrity of the Future, y'know, like, "Holy smokes, look at that dirty little monkey go! That's the fifth time they've played this today on Time Tube! Ha ha ha! How does he make those faces!"

If they do check me out, they better pick me up in their Time Machine and give me a chance to defend myself in person.

But I think they'd probably wanna watch something more historical anyways

Yah, like Abe Lincoln jerking off or something, I mean, even if they were into that stuff, why would they focus on some nobody losers like us, y'know, instead of the Queen of England or a foxy Anchorwoman or something?

That's who I'm gonna check out with the Time Viewer, man, when they come to pick us up and bring us Back to the Future so that we can defend ourselves, awhellyah, look out Connie Chung, here I come, you delicously naughty little vixen, you.

So, y'know, whatever, I guess Time Travel isn't so bad, really, now that I've thought about it some, and I guess I don't really want anybody to blow the world up before we get that far.

Yah, I'm sure, I can live with the potential of my own personal embarrassment, shit man, I'm already doing it, and who really gives a shit about that when there's the potential personal embarrassment of an infinite timescape full of foxy anchorwomen on the line!

I think that's a fair trade!

Man, I can't believe we're wasting our energy fighting each other when we should all be pooling our collective resources to advance the important field of Get Busy With the Anchorwoman Research!

Let's go see what Smiling Mike is up to.

Shit, I bet he's jerking off right now, the guy is a goddam fiend.

Yah right, I'd probably be a fiend too if I had a momma that looked like that ahaha.