Wednesday, March 14, 2007


I don't usually have any problem sleeping, y'know, 'cause I still got that poor country boy survival thingie where I can sleep standing up leaning against a railing and stuff.

But it suddenly turned warm today.

And I just finished a good book and my mind is racing with all sorts of weird stuff.

And the night wind is blowing through my apartment and making all the blinds flap and shit.

And now I can't sleep, so I figured I'd just get up and stay up 'till morning, y'know.

Yah, just like Old Guy Bob was always talking about the Old Guy Curse of waking up at the Crack of 3 in the morning, shit, so this is what its like, I knew I shoulda pretended to be more sympathetic heh.

And so anyways I'm having a cigarette and walking around my apartment and drinking pepsi out of a big two liter bottle with one hand like some sort of viking pig, y'know?

And I'm thinking about how I'm gonna have to go to the store tomorrow and get some coffee and stuff all beat to shit off my ass and how much fun that's gonna be.

And I see this HUGE black and hairy monster of a spider crawling slowly up the wall, smack dab in the middle of the only pool of light in the whole place, 'cause the rest of my apartment is dark as hell and I only got that one light on.

Its so huge it doesn't even care that I'm looking at it, I mean, this guy is big and lazy, just like me, he ain't afraid of jack shit, apparently he ain't got no enemies in the animal kingdom that'd make him rush a little or anything, he's just crawling along, easy-as-you-please, big scary mofo that ain't worth messing with.

And I need to smash it with something, 'cause no little hairy monsters are allowed to be that lazy and unfrightened around me, man, that's disprectful of my authority as the Head Monster of My Lair, y'know, so I grab the first plastic DVD case I see, and I look at it, and its one of the Red Dwarf Season Something-or-others, and I think, man, I shouldn't smash a big gross and hairy spider with this, there's gotta be some crappy DVD around here I could smash it with, something with Ben Affleck or something, but I get sick of sorting through all the crappy DVDs I own pretty quick, trying to think of one that deserves to be smashed against a big gross and hairy spider, 'cause its no fun thinking about all the crappy movies I own, so I just go ahead and use the Red Dwarf one.

And of course the Spider scrunches like a sponge and sorta sticks to the wall with its legs all curled up in a ball.

And I look at the back of the Red Dwarf DVD and its got a big ole blotch of transparent Spider Guts on it, frickin' great.

And the spider is so big I can't just leave it there to be eaten by other little spiders or something, y'know?

'Cause its gonna slowly tumble off the wall, its too heavy, its just clinging there by virtue of the stickiness of its guts, and I just know I'll accidentally step on its wet and potentially poisonous hairy disgustingness in the dark with my bare feet and I'll scream like a girl or something.

So I go and get some toilet paper from the bathroom and I fold it up a couple times and I'm just dreading that moment of contact when I'll feel its huge and freakish boney corpse through the tissue, y'know, 'cause toilet paper just doesn't seem to be thick enough for this guy, the thing could twitch a big hairy leg in a death spasm or something and I'd feel it, ugh, makes me wish I still had a baseball glove or a spatula around here.

So I muster up my panicky-ass adrenaline-based artificial-manhood and I go ahead and grab at it like the jerky spaz I am and I throw it in the toilet and flush it goodbye.

But now I definitely can't sleep.

Hmm, wait, nevermind, now I'm starting to feel sleepy again.


Fraxas said...

which book did you finish?

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Actually I just finished reading the entire Incarnations of Immortality series by Piers Anthony.

I got the first book from the nerdiest kid in Junior High (the guy with the taped up horned rim glasses and acne and the pants that didn't fit) after I got him out of trouble with a teacher Hannibal the Cannibal-style 'cause he was crying and saying that his dad was gonna kill him and I just couldn't stand it.

I just re-found the book recently and re-read it, and then I went out and got the rest of 'em and read through 'em all.

I can't really recommend it to anybody I know in real life 'cause I dunno anybody who would like it and I just barely muscled through some of it myself.

But I liked 'em, the whacky dungeon crawler book-thickener he uses is a bore and I ain't a big fan of cutsey-wit stuff but the guy has vulgar displays of genius often enough to keep me appreciative of his awesome mental powers heh.

Plus its just fun, y'know, like Vertigo Comics are fun and stuff.

His junk is one of those things where I take a step back and think about it and I go "wow, how the hell did he think of THAT?" which is a pretty rare sensation for me.