Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Jeff Freeman Questions

If you've got questions about Jeff Freeman, you just go right ahead and ask them, and I'll answer them to the best of my ability in the order they arrive.

I'll start you off.

Question #1: "What does Jeff Freeman look like in Real Life?"

Answer: "Hmm, that's a good question, Questioner Number One, but I dunno, really. I suspect that he looks a lot like Chuck Norris, since all game developers tend to be some variation on the Chuck Norris Theme. He might look sorta like a taller, skinnier, dark-and-curly-haired Chuck Norris, without all the facial hair and muscles, and more rings under his eyes, sorta Goth, y'know, or a fat and jolly oriental wise-man Santa Claus version of Chuck Norris, with long-fingernails and a glass eye and a funny hat, but he's still a Chuck Norris."

Question #2: "Is Jeff Freeman related to Gordon Freeman?"

Answer: "Hmm, that's a good question, Questioner Number Two, man you guys are so frickin' smart and awesome and hot and sexy and stuff, I'm getting all flustered, I can hardly concentrate! What were we talking about? Ah yah, Gordon Freeman. Who the hell is this Jeff guy, anyways? Ah, you mean Little Jeffy Freeman, yah, he was like the Luigi of Super Mario Brothers, y'know, the "Narf Pinky" to Gordon's "Brain," in the Original Two Player Version of Half Life that got cut when they had to release the game before it was ready. Little Jeffy Freeman, running around in his orange contamination suit, stealing all the power-ups and falling into the lava and shit. Uh-oh, Little Jeffy throwed a grenade, Gordie!"

Question #3: "You are so smart and awesome and hot and sexy and stuff."

Answer: "Hmm, can you phrase that in the form of a question about Jeff Freeman?"

Question #3: "Ummm, nope."

Answer: "Well I think that's a damn good question anyways, Questioner Number Three. Okay, let's go to the phones."

Phone Question #1: "I think that *bleeeeep* hussy oughta *bleeeep* that *bleeep* good fer nuthin *bleeep* man of hers, she needs to get her *bleeeep* a *bleeeeeep* of a *bleeeeep* man, since that *bleeeeeeeeeeeeep* in her *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* you know, it just ain't right."

Answer: "Hmm, that was a good question, Phone Questioner Number One, if I was all up in that action, I'd tell that *bleeep* of a *bleeep* and *bleeep* his *bleeep* can *bleeep* talk to the *bleeep* hand, know what I'm saying? You go girl! Alright, I think we're going to take a break, and then we'll be back with the next caller after these important words from our imaginary sponsor!"


Ole Bald Angus is personally calling you to the Matrix, even though he has no idea who you are and he hates the Ten Million Kinds of Eyebrows Lag, just like you thought he was personally calling you to SWG when him and Ex-bouncer were actually trying to get Triple A and Soccerman to play!

*bunch of bullet-time special effects and explosions with techno-music playing*

So drag your crazy head fulla shiz up the stairs and get your hard-working momma to give her credit card to some guy in Japan right now!

"Dancing Cowboy Strikeforce, OH YAHHHHHH!!!"


Alright we're back!


W.Churchill said...

why doesnt he ever call his friends back and hang out with them anymore. They really miss seeing him around

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Answer: 'Cause he just got married recently, right?

And he's probably really into that.

Especially 'cause he ain't never been much of a gypsy, he's a hard working farmer-type, y'know, those are the guys that pay for the cow and pay all the cow maintenance fees and cow insurance costs and everything, and then they get mad when we come along and sweet talk ourselves into a little of their milk with our Barry White Voices heh.

And they don't wanna hear nothing about how gypsies don't believe in OWNING cows, 'cause cows have the right to be free to pursue their own happiness and explore the depths of their own sensuality and all that, so don't bother trying to explain it to 'em ahaha.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

On the other hand, he might just be sick of you, or maybe he's just done using you.

I know I sure get sick of people after a while, especially if I'm done using them heh.

He probably found some new friends that are a lot cooler than you guys, that happens to me sometimes, I'll flush years of friendship down the toilet if some cool guy I just met says I have to "get rid of my loser pals" to hang out with the In Crowd, y'know, like in some bad 80s movies where the In Crowd wears Special Satin Jackets ahaha.

That's probably what happened.

W.Churchill said...

man, either option sucks :(

Im gonna stay positive, I think they got him and his giant brain locked up in a basement. He might have hard wired himself into the net so he can write code faster while performing 20 other tasks at the same time.

W.Churchill said...

In other words I think he's become a Manputer

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Well, as a guy who ditched out on Dundee several times on the internet so far, I can't really talk about him ditching out on you guys heh.

Its funny that my mom called this morning 'cause my brother's Number Two Son's birthday is this weekend and she actually bitched me out about the way I ditch people in real life after getting them to tell me their life stories and shit so they feel all close to me and stuff.

She had to admit that I'm pretty good at doing it so that nobdoy gets hurt, though, after all the practice I've had where I totally messed people up when I was younger like some bad Hannibal the Cannibal Reject Experiment heh.

And she even talked about Bar Talk, how people say all this shit in a bar but it doesn't mean jack shit, she says its almost as bad as when a guy from California gives you his word!

Man she really drives me crazy sometimes, she's almost as bad as me!

Dirk said...

And she even talked about Bar Talk, how people say all this shit in a bar but it doesn't mean jack shit

on this note, if a buddy breaks up with a chick, do not get drunk with him and tell him in excruciating detail all the kinds of bitch his ex was because that pretty much means they will get back together and get married.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Yah, if yer like me, yer stuck constantly trying to avoid letting your pussy-whipped buddies lead you down certain trains of thought.

In an ideal world, you'd bring your woman around with you and she'd be one of the chiefs in the gang, that's actually how my family and their friends are, and that's how a lot of my more enlightened buddies do it, too.

But for some reason I got a lot of moon-worshipping caveman buddies that lock their women away in cloests and do that bullshit "put her on a pedestal" thing where they use their buddies as a "bad influence excuse" with their wives, and then they turn around and use their wives as a "good influence excuse" with their buddies, even though you KNOW their little "I'm just a helpless victim caught between your evil and a good woman" game is totally whack-job bullshit BOTH ways, their wife ain't no Paragon of Holy Virtue, just like their buddies ain't no Masters of Ultimate Evil out to steal their immortal souls or some shit.

Man that "good conscience bad conscience" game is so pathetic and spineless and crazy and ANNOYING and POPULAR, I think those asswipes just like the drama and attention from both sides.

"Oh honey, I'm so glad to be in your virtuous arms once again, my evil friends were trying to steal my immortal soul! But my heart went out to you and I was saved!"

That batshit crazy stuff is Conduct Unbecoming a Man in MY Book, I'd Revoke your goddam License To Operate a Penis if you weren't already driving on a Suspension.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Oh I suppose I should add a disclaimer that I pretty much abandoned talking about Jeff Freeman about halfway through my original post and I don't know anything about him in real life and nothing I've been saying should be construed as targetted at HIM heh.

Or Ex-bouncer, even though I kinda pretend he's like that just to bug him, 'cause he tries so damn hard and he doesn't derserve it, and that's why its so irresistable for me 'cause I actually AM a Master of Ultimate Evil.

On the other hand, Jeff Freeman DOES like romantic comedy movies and shit (freakin' wussbags), so you'd think this would sorta up his alley ahaha.