The REAL Ultimate Warrior

Ride the Bike

Let's say we live on a spaceship, with a food replicator and some cool futuristic entertainment systems and hydroponic gardens and amusment parks and everything.

And the spaceship has all these sensors and it knows exactly how much it costs to keep each of us alive and handle our waste and whatever it takes to produce all the different kinds of food and cool clothes and luxuries and whatever else each of us wants every day.

And just for fun, let's say there's no privacy, so everybody knows how much everybody else costs.

And there's these Bikes in the spaceship, attached to generators, and each of us has to ride the Bikes for a certain amount of time to "pay" our individual Bike Bills, or all the lights will go out and the replicators won't give us any food.

The guys that have bigger appetites for luxuries, and the more wasteful folks, have to ride the Bike more, and the folks who are frugal don't have to ride the bike so much, so its all fair like that.

And maybe its done in a clever way, too, with an age variable, y'know, so when you are younger, you ride the Bike more, so that when yer older, you don't have to ride the Bike so much, and stuff like that.

But then you break your leg.

And now you have to pay for the medical stuff, so the damn thing wants you to ride the Bike even more, to pay for all that, but you can't ride even ride the Bike a little, 'cause you got a broken leg!

Okay, so let's go back a step, and include a bunch of mathematics based on accident statistics over a certain period of time that makes everybody ride the Bike more than they would've normally, so that in the event that somebody breaks their leg, everybody has the extra Bike riding for the broken leg folks paid for, and nobody has to pay that full amount all by themselves, y'know, the damage is spread around so it don't seem so bad.

But then you start noticing how I always have a broken leg, so I never have to ride the Bike.

I'm such an unlucky and clumsy guy, y'know, poor me, limping around, seems like my darn leg hardly ever gets a chance to heal before I end up breaking it again!

But then you start noticing how my friends all start having a lot of broken legs too, and they never have to ride the Bike either!

And then you start to notice how our tastes for luxuries are starting to get really extravagant and expensive compared to a normal person that would've had to ride the Bike to pay for things!

Oh sure, we tried to be good at first, y'know, 'cause we don't want you to think we're mooches, but what're we supposed to do, sit around on our hands?

Without having to spend all that time riding the Bike, we get sorta bored, y'know?

And the damn computer recalculates everything with this new accident rate and luxury consumption data, and it starts making all you healthy folks ride the Bike even more!

Oh, and us Poor Broken Legs Folks suffer from depression too, y'know, 'cause of the whole Post-Traumatic Leg Breaking Syndrome thing, and how bored we are, so somebody has gotta pay for all the drugs and medications and therapy sessions we need and stuff too!

Every day, you gotta ride the Bike a litte more!

And we get to use the handicapped parking space in front of the spaceship's entertainment system too!

Now let's say we all have families.

And you notice that everyone in my family has broken legs.

And everyone in all my buddies families have broken legs too!

We're just so unlucky!

And now everyone in your family, your wife and your kids, has to ride the Bike to pay the Bike Bill for me and all my Broken Leg Friends and our Broken Leg Families, with our insatiable appetites for luxuries and drugs and our special seating arrangement in front of the Playstation XXIIV!

And you and your wife and your kids end up spending most of your time riding the Bike.

And me and my buddies have all this extra time on our hands, since we don't have to ride the Bike.

And then you find out we're all sleeping with your wife!

Its your fault, y'know, you're so tired and grumpy all the time, I wouldn't want to spend my free time with you either!

And you don't spend enough time with her anyways, 'cause yer so busy on that damn Bike all the time!

Plus you're sorta cheap and stuff, y'know?

I mean, you never buy her anything nice or take her anywhere.

While me and my friends are more than happy to use your Unlimited Bike Credit Card to buy her diamonds and tons of jewlery and drive her around the more amusing and expensive parts of the spaceship in fancy go-carts made out of solid gold and we all wear fancy clothes with jeweled casts on our broken legs and exotic perfume and we're all handsome as hell thanks to the miracles of plastic surgery and liposuction that you and your family has to pay for!

Hey, if you really loved her, you'd be thanking me for showing her a good time.

You should think about taking one of those expensive Training Courses on Sensitivity.

Its worth it.

The Advanced Programs are really good, too.

You really should explore the services avaiable on the ship a little more, there's all kinds of awesome stuff here.

The only thing its missing is some privacy.

For Bloom

A Discourse on Marxist Ideology In Easy To Understand Terms.

Here's one for people with tougher stomachs.

On the bright side, its one of my favorite songs of all times.

Do I blame Marxists for the bad stuff?

Naw, I blame the guys that did the bad stuff for the bad stuff.

And, to be fair, here's an explanation of some of the theories without the gory bits that come from trying to implement them in reality (this guy has a lot of explanations of all the theoretical stuff, I'm only linking to one but there's plenty more).

I thought we were done with this stuff when we realized we could make robots that would do all the sucky shit for us and have bosses that made less money than "highly skilled laborers" and were basically being paid to organize things to make the most of our time (sorta like a cross between a secretary and a manager).

Theoretically speaking.

I'm sorry but the guy that invented the Whuffie is miles ahead of this old Marxist junk.

That last bit is so some damn fool doesn't come here and make me argue for theories of Capitalism (that's even older than the Marxist junk).

Or Liberal Democracy or Anti-atheism (depending on which of the three heads wants to bite me heh).

Universal Digital Library Thingie

Here's a link I got from Big Ed for the Digital Library that I was just reading about in the news, there's no sense in not having that handy.

The End of the World

Psychic #1: I think the world is going to end in 2012.

Psychic #2: Well, I think the world is going to end in either 2012 or 2016.

Psychic #1: Hey, you can't do that, you can't pick two.

Psychic #2: Says who? You?

Psychic #3: I think the world is going to end before 2012.

Psychic #1: Oh great now I'm getting undercut too! This is bullshit!

Psychic #4: I'm going to have to go with after the beginning of 2012.

Psychic #1: GODDAMMIT!!! THAT'S LIKE NOT EVEN GUESSING WHEN ITS GONNA END!!! AND NOW PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK I'M WRONG UNLESS IT HAPPENS AT EXACTLY 0:00AM ON DAY ONE OF 2012!!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!

Psychic #4: Hey, relax man, don't have a grabber, y'know, or you won't even make it to 2012.

Psychic #2: I think Psychic #1 is either going to die in 2012 or 2016.

Psychic #3: I'm gonna go with 2012.

Psychic #4: Damn that's what I was gonna say. No wait, I said that 2012 thing first, 2012 is mine, you gotta pick something else.

Psychic #3: Okay, I'm gonna go with before the beginning of 2012.

Psychic #4: Psychic #1 is right, you are kinda being a little bitch with that undercutting thing of yers.

Psychic #1: Well, I think I'm going to die after the beginning of 2012. Haha!

Psychic #4: Ah shit.

Psychic #1: Hah! Now you know how it feels! "HEY-RELAX-DON'T-HAVE-A-GRABBER-MAN!"

Psychic #2: I think...

Psychic #4: Oh shut up. You can't keep picking two things all the time, and saying either-or, that's bullshit.

Psychic #2: I wasn't gonna pick two things this time. Shows how psychic you are!

Psychic #4: Liar.

Psychic #1: I predict Psychic #2 is gonna get his ass kicked.

The UFO Freak Show

These guys, for the most part, are so out of it they seem harmless to me, but apparently "We Will Not Commit Suicide Disclaimers" are warranted at the bottom of one of the web sites that sorta ties all these things together (I'm not gonna link to it 'cause I don't really wanna get all tangled up with a bunch of people who are telling me not to worry about their potential for suicidal shit) so mebbe this cheesy-ass cheap-clown Carnival Cult stuff ain't as entertaining to everybody else as it is to me heh.

This guy is supposedly delivering a speech containing orders to the folks that work at Majestic 12, a Top Secret Government Project that is working with diseased aliens from two divergent future timeless or something (hopefully he won't show up and explain it to me heh).

For extra credit, try to figure out what the orders are.

There's a zillion interviews with that guy, and each one of 'em is like a beautiful and unique snowflake, he's got everything except the charisma necessary to start a cult ahaha.

This poor guy has the charisma to start a cult, y'know, he seems kinda likeable and harmless and even sweet, but he also seems a little mentally disturbed and easy to feel pity for, and I don't think he'd hurt anybody, but maybe that's his whole carnival scam, and he's just exactly that good at it.

If so, he's fucking slick as shit, I've had a million bums beg me for money but I never seen one that could hold a candle to his "I killed a baby bird" routine ahaha.

Here's a mysteriously dead guy that helped build Underground Alien Military Bases and had his bones burned by laserguns. And if you think that lecture is crazy, check out the magazines his dead buddy wrote on his memorial website, its like a book made out of pages that could be rearranged in any order and still make exactly the same amount of sense.

Okay, I know the stuff I write is sorta like that but fuck you ahaha.

And here's a guy that references Star Wars a lot and does all the same shit as everybody else, y'know, with Spirit Guides named X'lax that can guide you through the Nine Gates of Mitzlplx'N'L'Gah (which is X'laxian for Personal Fulfillment) to Save the World.

Here's a chick that channels the spirit of Edgar Cayce, which is only interesting because the Star Wars dude I just mentioned is supposed to be the Reincarnated Form of Edgar Cayce, so I wonder if he has blackouts or something when she does that.

UFO Pilot.

Here's a Genetic Mind Control Psychic Super Soldier.

I'm not totally making fun of these guys, either, 'cause I think they're a form of entertainment that you wouldn't otherwise get if you just tried to write a straight forward science fiction story that made sense to people and stuff.

Plus you gotta give 'em extra points for showmanship, and making an ass of themselves.

Unless they ain't kidding, y'know, you don't gotta give 'em extra points for showmanship and making an ass of themselves if they ain't kidding ahaha.

The Man In Black

My grampa was an interrogator for the CIA, Nazi War Crimes stuff.

He left the CIA (and then he had to wait nine years) to marry my gramma.

Most of the things I know about his career actually comes from things my gramma said as she nudged him and tried to get him to talk about all the interesting (and sometimes embarassing, y'know the way women do that ahaha) shit he did during World War II, or junk my mother told me about him, which probably came from Gramma in the same way.

"Oh! Oh! Tell him about how you blah blah blah blah blah..."

"..."

The guy hardly ever talked about anything, y'know, the only thing he ever seemed interested in sharing with me was Tough Guy Stuff, like teaching me Judo Moves, and demonstrating that Spock Pressure Point shit on me, 'cause I didn't think it was real and I was taller than him and a total smartass by the time I was thirteen so I think he felt like he had to put me in my place a lot heh.

Our relationship was pretty much entirely combat related or something, the only things he and my Gramma used to watch on TV were Kungfu Movies and Wrestling.

Oh, and the Three Stoogers, but that's almost the same thing ahaha.

Anyways, I remember reading about UFOs and the mythologies and the conspiracy theory history around it when I was in High School, 'cause I was doing research, thinking about writing a script about the Men In Black, in all their original creepiness, which I never ended up doing 'cause I got turned off once I hit all that UFO holy roller cult and Adamski Con Artist Crap and alien abduction stuff, which totally killed the fun of it for me.

Y'know how those guys tie all the conspiracies together into these crazy ass Satan Versus the Enlightened UFOs from Lemuria Killed JFK things, and junk like that, its like, pfft, I wanted my Men In Black to be enigmatic (and possibly alien) bad guys that drive around in a Black Cadillac and listen to the radio between horrible conspiracy-nut antagonizing assignments with awkward moments of silence and all sorts of awesome evil comic book shit like that, David Lynch and Kubrick Style, y'know?

That was all before the Will Smith Comedy Men In Black thing came out.

Anyways when I came across the shit about the CIA's involvement in that sorta stuff, with Roswell and everything, I knew my Grampa was in the CIA (and the Service it evolved out of) at that time.

And there couldn't have been that many people in the CIA at the time, so I figured he'd probably know something, if there was anything to know.

So I made up my mind to try to get some information out of him about it, I was thinking "OH MAN MY GRAMPA MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MAN IN BLACK I CAN JUST ASK HIM THIS IS SO AWESOME I'M GONNA FIND OUT SECRETS THAT NOBODY KNOWS!!!"

Anyways, when I worked my way around to asking him about UFOs ('cause I started out asking him about the Rules of talking about Top Secret shit and then I worked my way around to the junk I really wanted to ask him), his eyes lit up, but that coulda meant anything, that coulda meant "PFFT OMFG UFOS ARE SO STUPID YOU IDIOT" as much as it coulda meant "YOU SHOULD REALLY LOOK INTO THAT KID."

I've met a lot of people in all my adventures but I never met a guy that was harder to read than my grampa, the guy was a goddam robot, his only emotions were Smirky Amusement and Anger heh.

And that weird electric look he gave me was the end of my interrogation of him ahaha.

Hey, it was hard enough to get him to sit there and let me ask him questions in the first place, I mean, the only reason I got as far as I did was 'cause I was related to him and I knew he would want to impress me, at least a little.

And that was the one and only time he let me corner him like that.

And I blew it heh.

So that's all I got for this UFO shit, I don't believe in aliens and flying saucers and all that, and I study it as a mythology, as ammo for stories and jokes and entertainment purposes, but my Grampa gave me a weird glaring look once when I asked him about it, and I ain't sure what the fuck that was supposed to mean, so I can't totally rule anything out ahaha.

That shit could be anything, or nothing.

So as far as all that UFO stuff goes, all I got is a weird look from the Man in Black to go on.

I kinda think he heard about something, but didn't actually see anything, so whatever he heard and mebbe even believed coulda been bullshit anyways.

Or mebbe he saw something, but he wasn't sure what it was.

That's the only explanation I can give for him not just telling me they were bogus, y'know?

I mean, it'd be easier for you to understand if you knew the guy, he didn't have any imagination, he was nothing like me, and nothing like all these dudes that are into UFOs and say they worked for Top Secret Projects and shit, either, y'know, I don't think I ever even heard him tell a joke, and everybody that knows him and my gramma thinks my mom musta been adopted.

I got a lot of respect for my stepdad (the college professor) 'cause he was my mom's first sweetheart when they were kids, and it takes a lot of balls to go after the daughter of an interrogator for the CIA, especially when he catches you climbing out the second story bathroom window of his house heh.

But my stepdad says all sixteen-year-old kids got those kinda balls ahaha.

Cult Techniques for Dummies

Damn Brits

I think its kinda funny how America Alien Abduction stuff usually involves these big headed fetal-tissue-lookin' "Grey" aliens, and European Alien Abduction stuff usually involves these "Nordic" guys.

The Grey Aliens were pretty much mapped out for mainstream culture consumption in Earth Vs. the Flying Saucers in 1956, y'know?

Which is something a lot of guys (like Whitley Strieber) seem happy enough to overlook when they're trying to make a case for how amazing it is that everybody sees the same thing.

I mean, c'mon, that was a Harryhausen movie, y'know?

And about the only thing I can think of with something like these Nordics guys innit is Village of the Damned (1960).

Seems to be a little bit of Brand Loyalty or Patriotism or something going on there heh.

But what all that really makes me wonder is why we gotta spell it "Grey" insteada "Gray" ahaha.

And you gotta wonder how this all makes the poor Little Green Men feel, y'know, I mean, nobody believes in them anymore, they're like Old Hat and shit ahaha.

"Pfft, little green men, c'mon now, that's just stupid."

Compromise

"Hey, what's going on, why are all these folks out of cryosleep?"

"The ship's self-preservation routines kicked in and locked us all out of the control system."

"So its taking us back home?"

"Yah."

"Crap."

"So can you log in and take over?"

"Hell no, I've been locked out ever since I scratched the damn paint while docking at Antares 641. Stupid ass ship is never gonna forgive me."

"Shit."

"Is there some way to override the self preservation routines?"

"Not without a pilot who doesn't suck worse the AI does."

"Oh man, so one of us is going to have interface with the Training System and get our license re-instated again?"

"Yep."

"And that's why you woke me up? Shit."

"Yep."

"You bastards, I was in the middle of a kickass dream, we were about to camp the throne room."

"Hey, don't gimme any of that, I had to do it last time."

"Dude, I dunno if my brain can handle anymore of these freaking rewrites! I ain't got hardly any feeling in my hands anymore!"

"Oh quit yer whining, beotch."

The Warp Highway

I still dunno why all the space sims always cut to something like a cutscene when you enter that cool looking warp field tunnel thingie.

You'd think that'd be a cool place to fight with really huge and cheap video card special effects, with bits of your ship getting blown off and tumbling out of the warp tunnel and making shockwaves and all that.

Plus the Theory of Relativity stuff (or the lack of it) always makes me think about what it would mean to car chases, like, where one ship has to chase another one down, in and out of warp.

And we usually think of it all in terms of "Jumps," where you can't steer or correct your course once you are in the warp tunnel, so you need to "scan ahead" on your flight path and calculate a safe trajectory and take things Very Seriously before you start breaking all the rules of physics, which seems kinda funny to me, like we're trying to make up for all the Rules we're breaking by not breaking THAT one Rule, its like some kinda Physics Cheater Guilt Complex thingie heh.

"If you hit a piece of dust at that speed you would die!"

"Oh gimme a break!"

"Now you are just trying to have too much fun!"

Not that that isn't cool, I'm just saying that ain't the only way to do it.

Why couldn't you just treat it as two ships speeding up and slowing down really fast with cool special effects?

"They're right on our tail!"

"I'm gonna take a quick left and drop out of warp, hang on!"

Ex-bouncer's thing was that it would be cooler to think of it as a Warp Highway, with convoys sticking together for safety in numbers and Warp Highwaymen and Warp Onramps and Warp Truck Stops and stuff.

See, with that sorta thing, chase scenes get really interesting, when you can swerve in and out of Warp Traffic to try to avoid getting blasted.

I think that makes sense in terms of organizing space traffic better too, y'know, like, stay the hell out of the way 'cause there's ships flying between these two space beacons at warp speed or something.

And you'd need to organize lanes of incoming and outgoing traffic in any busy star system with Trantorian Planets and stuff anyways, y'know?

Like, you'd need to approach a planet's Southern Hemisphere and Stay Below the Solar Plane if you were incoming, 'cause the northern half is used by outgoing ships.

Or whatever.

Dinosaur People

So there's these guys called uh... xeno-socio-something-ologists, I think.

And they try to figure out what alien civilizations would be like, y'know, like how they would evolve and stuff.

And in order to do that, they study the evolution of human civilization and technology and sociology and stuff like that, and they make a list of all the stuff that has to happen for intelligent life as we know it to show up.

And then they try to remove the things that were just dumb luck and shit like that, in order to try to get some kinda baseline for the evolution of technology and whatever.

Now, to a comic book guy and a scifi fan, we all know the main Bug in the Machine for Earth is that Dinosaurs got wiped out by a lucky meteor strike, and if it wasn't for that, monkeys wouldn't have taken over.

So there oughta be more than a few Dinosaur People out there.

But that ain't even on the list.

I guess that's "too far out there" heh.

Actually, none of the shit I think is important is on any of the lists, but that's okay, 'cause I've only been thinking about it for like thirty seconds, and half the shit I thought of was jokes about how having an opposeable thumb or a really long tongue and a flexible spine sorta frees an animal from the bonds of reproduction and societal orders like matriarchies and patriarchies and shit ahaha.

Y'know, dolphins may be smarter and more evolved than us, but they don't need opposeable thumbs to make tools and do farming and shit, 'cause they can swim sixty miles and hour and they can survive in arctic water and they already got superhuman senses and radar built-in and stuff.

All that junk comes standard with the Dolphin Package.

Which is probably what highly evolved aliens will be like.

Dolphins, y'know, with all sorts of awesome natural adaptions to their environment.

But that's boring, so we gotta think about creatures that are poorly adapted to their environment, who need to use their brains and opposeable thumbs to survive, 'cause that's all they got.

Those are the guys that build all the tools and cool spaceships and stuff.

The hairless apes are the ones that need to wear snowsuits.

Those are the guys we wanna meet, the Dinosaur People With No Teeth Who Run Really Slow So They Have To Plan Ahead.

I think you gotta start by thinking of all sorts of crippling weaknesses and poor adaptions to an envrionment, y'know, like not having fur, and start building an alien civilization from there.

'Cause otherwise a smart creature is just gonna swim around and enjoy itself like a dolphin and never build anything cool, y'know?

Its the "ugly people are the only ones that need to have a personality" theory of evolution heh.

Star Farming

Here's another cool thing.

Especially that Stellar Husbandry bit.

Makes me think about some kinda machine that works like a pacemaker for a sick and unstable star system.

That's one big step up from Terraforming, thinking about turning crappy stars into useful ones heh.

SETI

Man this distributed computing SETI thing is cool as hell too, with the way all these guys chipped in and became the second most powerful super computer on the planet.

I love the statistics for this junk, they're like, "all this computing power is causing global warming!" and "FIVE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS OF ELECTRICITY!" and stuff heh.

Meanwhile you KNOW that twice as many people are using their computers to play WoW, so think about the environmental impact and benefits of THAT shit, y'know, the more you play WoW, the higher the ocean gets and the harder it gets to breathe for all the animals and all that ahaha.

Think of what you are doing to the children! AHAHA.

Oh, here's the place you can go to join in on the hunt for kickass Alien TV Shows that'll save us all from the hollywood writer's strike.

The Kardashev Scale

Ah, here's the Kardashev Scale junk I was talking about earlier, where you classify civilizations based on the amount of energy they can harness.

My only problem with it is the way we can't predict and categorize energy sources and potential sciences that we don't know anything about yet, which would tend to throw the whole thing on its ass, but its still pretty damn cool that somebody came up with a number for the Earth's Energy Budget and shit heh.

They know how many calories a brain uses per minute while doing a crossword puzzle compared to the juice required to sit and watch an episode of Friends or something too, now all we need to do is tie it all together into one big embarasssing chart of Human Uselessness ahaha.

Naw actually its kinda neat the way they mapped out that we'll be a Type I in 2200 and a Type III in 7800 and all that, I love that kinda junk, even if its probably about as accurate as a Stormtrooper Rifle.

Stupid Powers

There's a ton of super powers that don't make any sense to me as pseudo-scientific things caused by genetics and stuff.

The ability to fly through the air is an especially bad one, 'cause its like multiple levels of stupid.

I mean, what the hell is that all about?

It ain't any kind of jet propulsion.

There isn't gas coming out of Superman's feet that helps him stop a falling Airplane, or lift an aircraft carrier out of the water.

Is it mind over matter?

Mind over matter is another stupid power.

What's it supposed to be that's holding shit up in the air?

Are these telekinetic guys changing air density and stuff?

Is it Magic?

I can see Old School Sorcery working, where you ask supernatural powers for favors, kinda like the way Jedi ask the Force to help 'em do stuff, but then its not really the super hero that's doing the thing, its some kinda ghost or something, and it ain't got anything to do with science and genetics and whether you born in a solar system with a Red Sun or whatever.

I just don't get it.

And if you really could make shit move around with your mind, even if it was just something as small as a paperclip, or the ability to bend spoons, you'd be able to pretty much instantly kill another human being about sixty different ways, by jabbing your tiny little mind over matter shit into their internal organs or their brain and giving 'em a lil' pinch.

But mind over matter guys never do that, right?

Nope, they whip people and kitchen sinks around and stuff.

And then the mind over matter guys don't usually fly around, like there's a rule that they can lift anything except themselves off the ground.

And the dudes that can fly can't lift shit with their mind, even though they're lifting their bodies off the ground somehow, with their mind.

And unless yer made out of steel like Superman, you'd take some serious damage from flying around at even 80 miles an hour without a helmet and some thick clothing, let alone the speeds they got these guys going, that'd burn all yer hair and eyebrows off, at the very least, and you'd probably have welts and burns in all the places where you'd hurt if you did a wicked belly flop in a pool and shit too.

Y'know that saying about keeping yer mouth shut on a motorcyle, no smiling heh.

The "flying man" would be one ugly bastard in no time.

Just makes no sense to me.

And then there's all the guys like Magneto, and Pyrotechnic junk, and the ability to freeze things, or shoot lasers, or turn invisible by bending light, which is all the same goddam super power as telekinesis on a micoscopic level.

And none of those make any sense either.

Super strength and precognition and the other sorta passive ones that are extra-sensory and stuff ain't so bad, at least.

And you could read minds to know where people were looking and stuff, so you could do invisibility that way.

But these other ones are pretty messed up.

Guess its the same shit that holds Skeletons together.

Star Trek: Bones

"Hey, Bones."

"..."

"Boooooones..."

"..."

"Bones! Snap out of it, man! That's an order!"

"Huh? Oh shit. Sorry, Jim, is all these damn go-go dancer boots and mini-skirt outfits Starfleet Command keeps issuing all the super hot chicks we got on board, its hard to concentrate with the limited supply of blood going to my brain."

"Yah, I wish they'd issue them some puffy-looking snowsuits or something, the crews' reaction times are down across the board."

"Even Spock is messed up. Check 'im, out, he's playing that Vulcan Guitar of his again, wtf."

"I dunno what we're supposed to do with this shit, even that bald alien chick with the pointy ears and the gross little spikes coming out of her forehead is starting to look pretty goddam hot to me."

"Yah, what the hell happened to all the ugly smart chicks? They were WAY easier to work with."

"I dunno man, its like some kind Trapped In An Elevator Syndrome or something."

"Yah, space induced beer goggles mebbe."

"Well, whatever, gimme another shot of that Antiviagra stuff, I'm startin' to see stars and shit."

Starfleet

I was watching something on Discovery Channel yesterday and they had that Japanese physicist guy that they always interview for all the cool space-and-aliens stuff and he said that they've divided up alien civilizations into three types.

A Type 1 Civilization is an alien civilization that knows how to harness all the different kinds of energy you can get out of a planet, y'know, like geothermal and tidal-gravity energy and stuff.

A Type 2 Civilization is an alien civilization that has moved on to harnessing the power of their own sun.

And a Type 3 Civilization is an alien civilization that has moved on to harnessing power sources even greater than that (who the hell knows what that's supposed to be, guys that can create their own artificial wormholes and wield the power of solar systems against other solar systems and travel through time about as well as they can travel through space and stuff, I guess).

They say that our civilization is a Big Fat Zero on that chart, since we've mostly just been using fossil fuels made from dead plants and animals to do everything (including all the Steam Power junk from the first half of the last century), and we're only starting to figure out how to get power out of other things on our planet.

Nuclear power doesn't really fit into this rating system too well, though, its not a "planetary" type of power, its more like a "star" type of power, if anything, 'cause that's what a star is, a big ole fat gravity powered nuclear reactor.

And along those lines there's some other dumb things about trying to make things fit into this rating system, y'know.

But I like the way it sorta maps out how civilations would spread to inter-stellar and inter-galactic junk, that's cool and everything.

One of the things this space exploration stuff always reminds me of is the way we sorta skip the idea of all the survival benefits the human race would have from just being able to live in orbit of our planet, in some kinda of biodome-y space stations or something.

Where we would use our planet as a resource, and any time it had a disaster, man-made or otherwise, we would just get out of the goddam way and wait until the dust settled before we went back down with our mining rigs and shit.

Where we would use our planet sorta like a shield just to block asteroids and harmful radiation and stuff.

It makes no sense to me that we would want to colonize other planets, once we could do that.

Why go down there unless it was to grab some resource you need?

Or to have a picnic or something.

But everybody's all into this colonizing other planets junk.

Which just seems like a huge waste of time and energy to me, plus, its sorta stupid and dangerous, getting all yer equipment wrecked by Martian Tornados and shit when it was totally unecessary.

Mobility is a huge survival advantage, the biggest of all, actually, the ability to move out of harm's way.

And so giving up yer mobility is sorta dumb.

Not that I'm against terraforming, that shit is totally fun to think about.

But I think if I was a guy in a nice Mothership, I wouldn't be too excited about going down there on the surface and hiding in a cave while meteors and tidal waves strike and shit heh.

Or mebbe it'd be more accurate to say that I'd be too excited to go down there and do that ahaha.

I tend to see the future of civilization as a huge-ass network of spaceships with a lot of mining equipment that moves around and stripmines the hell out of shit to make the fleet bigger.

And I'm not just talking about mining ore and stuff, I'm talking about collecting hydrogen and whatever we need for fuel and our leaky biodome crap and stuff, too, y'know?

Some bad wind blows through space, and we either move out of the way, or we move into a position where a planet or something will take the punch for us.

Bah, whatever, the only reason I even think about all this stuff is because a Space Station with some Mobility is the Number One Most Awesome Place for an Evil Super Villain Hideout heh.

Even beats the Underwater Base (which ain't even a close second).

And the Antarctic Base is even worse than that.

So all this junk about generations of people living in space for thousands of years on route to some earth-like planet where they'll try to live on the surface just seems like a really dumb thing to think about first as far as Survival of the Species goes, y'know?

Sure, I like the way that a Disaster on Earth 1 won't completely wipe us all out, 'cause there's an Earth 2, but its still about twice as dumb as just sitting in orbit and working together to do something useful heh.

That's one place where the population boom is good thing, y'know, if you can figure out how to physically support it, 'cause you get all these smart brains showing that up that can work together.

Its just like adding memory chips to a computer or something, y'know?

The Human Brain Network keeps getting more and more powerful.

And it'd be detrimental to send half of our brainpower to Earth 2 (especially our best half heh) unless we had some kinda instantaneous communication or something so we could all benefit from anything they (or we) figured out.

Which is something we won't have until we've figured out at least a little of that Type 3 Civilization stuff, according to the Chart.

So there's that, too.

Bionic Dog Mummy

Skeletons are dumb monsters.

'Cause I don't know what it is that holds a skeleton's bones together.

Its "magic" or something, right?

Yah, see, that sucks.

Zombies are a little better, 'cause at least they aren't held together with magic.

But I feel sorry for zombies, because they're being eaten alive by bugs and bacteria and stuff.

And eventually they'll turn into skeletons, and then they'll suck just as bad as skeletons do.

Actually, if there was a zombie apocalypse, the wandering packs of wild dogs that used to be pets would probably eat them all.

And skeletons would really be in trouble with the dogs.

A skeleton is sorta like a plate of glazed donuts to a dog.

Mummies are a little better than zombies, 'cause bugs and bacteria have a hard time with mummies, but they could be better, y'know.

We could reinforce their joints by welding metal robot parts and spiked shoulderpads and junk to 'em during an A-Team Montage.

Then we'd have a decent monster that you couldn't kill with a broom.

Something that'd be able to put up a little bit of a fight during the Feral Dog Apocalypse that would surely follow any Zombie Apocalypse.

Y'know what's weird?

The way dogs are like the exact opposite of us with the undead, y'know?

'Cause to dogs, you don't get more scary when you die and turn into a skeleton, you get more tasty and delicious.

A zombie apocalypse with skeletons walking around is like some kinda candyland amusment park to a dog.

Dogs would actually get nasty and fight with each other over who gets to eat a skeleton.

A vengeful ghost and murder story is like a cooking show to a dog.

Makes me kinda wonder what a dog would write for a Scary Story.

Maybe that's why they're so goddam happy all the time heh.

Lazarus Long

The men in my biological family live about 50 years and then they start having strokes and stuff until they're dead or their brains are turned to mush.

The folks in my stepdad's familly live about 100 years and they can disco dance and crack jokes right up until the very last second.

I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself, y'know, but his momma is an independent ninety-five year old woman who lives up in Wisconsin with all her brothers and sisters who are also in their nineties and independent and senility-free, and his Uncle is an eighty three year old Ancient Mariner dude who lives by himself in the Ozarks.

The weirdest thing is thinking about how my stepdad is probably going to outlive me by about twenty-five years.

He's not as far along in his probable lifespan as I am.

Its like the Howard Foundation from Heinlein or something, y'know?

I mean, on a purely scientific level, its too bad he didn't have any kids to keep that Longevity Gene of his in circulation for folks in the future heh.

He's sixty and his hair is finally starting to turn gray ahaha.

Thanks For Giving

We don't usually eat Turkey and Mashed Taters and stuff on Thanksgiving, 'cause me and my little brother grew up eating that junk six times a week out in the country.

That Turkey Thing is just Standard Dinner to us.

So usually we do a lumberjack breakfast thing at my moms, with pancakes and french toast and bacon and sausage and shit-on-a-shingle (which is biscuits and a milky sort of sausage-gravy), and then I go home sweating maple syrup and I sleep like a snake for a week while I digest it all.

But not this time.

Nope, this time we're doing Thanksgiving at my little brother's wife's house.

With her humongous catholic family (my family has four adult members, hers has about twenty).

Not really looking forward to all the noise.

And the funny thing is, it ain't the twenty kids that make all the racket over there, the kids are actually pretty damn soft-spoken and polite and gentle for kids, its the female adults that beat pots and pans together and wear out my delicate hermit-like mad scientist nerves with all their cackling and howling heh.

I'm just used to peace and quiet, y'know, people in my family only raise their voices in an emergency, and I got sensitive ears, I can hear the heartbeats of the mice scurrying around under the snow and shit like that ahaha.

So I usually spend my time outside the house smoking on the back porch when they make me go over there, just to keep from getting frazzled and worn out by it all.

And it'll probably be a Traditional Thanksgiving Dinner, that ain't as good as my mom woulda made it ('cause she's an awesome cook and I'm totally spoiled in that department) so that'll suck.

And standing in line with forty other people with a plate in my hand ain't really my idea of a Nice Family Dinner heh.

But whatever, I gotta go to this thing 'cause I ditched out on my brother's wife's birthday.

And if I don't go, my brother's wife will start thinking I don't like her.

And if she starts thinking I don't like her, she'll annoy the shit out of my brother with that insecurity junk, and my brother is already worn thin beyond belief and teetering on the edge of some kinda nasty nuclear meltdown that nobody else in my family but me could even imagine because they ain't got the psychic link to him that I do.

And that'll bug my mom.

And if my mom gets bugged, then that'll bug my stepdad.

And then my mom and my stepdad will bug me.

So its the Old Pony Show for me, gotta go over there and do the mentally exhausting Hannibal the Cannibal thing and wave my magical fake personality around to keep everybody happy.

This is just one of those things where its sorta hard to stop the train from going where its wants to go, even though it sucks.

I mean, its not like I'm a bad guy or something, that's why they want me around so fucking much in the first place heh.

But they really are sorta blackmailing me into performing for them by threatening to hurt each other if I don't, y'know?

Well, from my point of view, at least.

And thats pretty fucked up.

And its only gonna get worse unless I figure it out a little better and do something.

'Cause I ain't got as much energy left over for this kinda junk as I used to have, and that ain't gonna get better from here on out, either.

Make It So

When you do a science fiction thing with spaceships, the first thing you gotta do is the whole Warp thing.

What's the fastest speed and your technical mumbo jumbo for it.

How do the engines work, how do they operate.

What fuel do they use.

Your ship is rated on how many Warp Jumps you can do without having to refuel right?

And some ships can refuel in the atmosphere of gas planets or by using the magnetic field of stars or something.

And some ships have those Solar Sails so they can sail even when they're out of fuel, so you can freeze yourself and sleep until the ship pulls itself into an orbit somewhere where it can recharge.

You gotta do all that stuff.

Then you make floorplans for the ships and you gotta think about all the crew positions and cargo space and whether or not there's passenger rooms on the ship and stuff, how much upgrading the ship and paying salaries costs and stuff.

And the people that work for him might be getting experience and saving up to buy a ship and run their own operations.

And then there's the planets.

With all the different alien cultures and classic scifi action.

And by classic scifi action I mean lusty amazon women in silver space bikinis shooting lasers.

And superjumping robotic exoskeleton motorcycles.

Magic Robot

Even though you aren't allowed to write stories about gay people, you could still write stories about gay robots, right?

'Cause robots don't have souls.

See, I don't understand the problem then, gimme a Gay Robot Story.

Brokeback Mountain

This is backlash from the Gays stealing Cowboys from us, right?

First they made it so that we couldn't hold hands in public, then it was skipping, and now its Cowboys.

I told you this would happen.

Yer lucky we still had a team ready at the monster truck place or we woulda lost that too!

Edit: Oh man I think they're stealing the exclamation point from us!!!

Gay Love Stories

There's all these guys arguing.

They're saying that if you worked at a game company, and they asked you to write a Gay Love Story, some of them would quit, some of them would ask to be reassigned, some of them say they wouldn't even take a job in a place that might ask you to write a Gay Love Story for Money.

So I'm thinking that a guy that could write a really good Gay Love Story would have a distinct advantage hmm.

I think there's a certain amount of respect involved for Gay People when a Straight Guy refuses to write a Gay Love Story.

'Cause I wouldn't refuse to lie about my love for a woman for money and quit my job for it, I'd just go ahead and lie and take the money.

See the difference there is that I think the Gay Guys would know my love story was crap 'cause Gay Guys have good taste in Literature and shit, they're a Discerning Audience, where you can just hold a puppy up to the screen and Everything You Ever Did is Forgiven with the women, y'know, I got a Hard Boiled R&B Formula for that shit.

What

So can we play that Myst Online Land of Uru thing?

I'll be the cowboy and you can be the construction worker this time.

I wish there was a multiplayer cowboy game where we could ride around and steal people's land and stuff.

Man there should be at least one Star Trek Channel, it should be a Rule that there should be Star Trek Episode of Some Flavor on at all times.

Deep Space Nine Will Do.

Credentials

I have colored extensively in both Planet of the Apes and Dukes of Hazzard coloring books.

I am proficient in those Sticker Things where you apply the stickers to a scene 'member those?

Remember that helicopter with the trigger from the 70s that flew around in a circle on a wire and you could make it fly or land?

I'm a master of that art.

When I was a kid I had this Micronauts Racetrack that was pneumatic, all these air tubes with these silver surfer alien coffins, it was truly bizarre and awesome.

The Mothman

I think the mothman is a great horned owl.

You ever seen a great horned owl sitting on a fence?

They're freaky, they have human-sized heads and shoulders and eyes that never move.

In real life I've only seen them at twilight when there is no color so that makes them spookier to me they're just big black batman shapes with eyes they give you a heart attack when they move.

I could totally see people running indoors if one of those things landed on their backyard fence these things are huge they're like the size of a man without the legs and they got huge wings.

You definitely wouldn't want one or two of them chasing you around.

Only thing is the Red Eyes, they don't have Red Eyes, they got Glowing Yellow Eyes, right?

Yah see that's the only weird thing.

Time Check

Its Southpark Night.

Get On It

Y'know, ever since we bought the Food Replicator, and the Holodeck, and Gravity Generators, and the Teleporter, and weapons we could set on Stun, and especially the Cryosleep Tubes, we haven't had a mutiny on the ship and we've had the same captain.

But before that we were like barbarians in space man we had four different captains in the same year one time.

It wasn't always a mutiny that killed a captain I mean you know captains make out with green women and get killed and eaten by green alien husbands and stuff too.

But before the food replicator, we had to eat a lot of those airplane peanuts and drink water out of one of those stewardess carts with the drinks 'cause that's all we had if the computer woke you up everything else was packed away.

There is a snack machine in the hallway like they have at Rest Areas but the food in there never goes bad because it isn't really food its more like candy hotdogs and mustard shapes made out of the same powder and water, steaks made out of Blue Play Doh, its like a candy machine filled with those valentine hearts made out of chalk.

That's Ex-bouncer's favorite invention, the Food Replicator, that's what makes Star Trek Utopia Possible, really, y'know?

"Yah yer fine you just broke your leg but the Doctor won't use the teleporter so you just gotta just hang in there trooper you just gotta wait for him to arrive by boat soldier hang in there don't you die on me don't you dare die on me that's an order!"

Building a Better Future

As Time Police, its our job to stand at certain key points in Timelines A and B and make sure that nobody changes them without the appropriate paperwork.

And if somebody does appear to come from a Better Future, we still have to call up to Time Headquarters so they can keep everything synchronized, we can't just say "okay go ahead and dump all your toxic garbage in A23."

So get in line.

Alien Invader

The conditions are deplorable here on Planet Earth.

You can't even get Xggt here.

And don't drink anything with ice!

Its weird they have Pepsi though.

And velcro and duct tape!

And they watch these little TVs.

Its so cute.

For the price of ten credits a day, you can adopt one, and they'll give you anal temperature readings and tracking implants and everything.

Road Trip

I'm going to Dallas with my stepdad to pick up a truck on the weekend.

We're gonna stop off at his Uncle's house on the way back, his Uncle is a 80 year old sailor who lives in the swamps of Florida where people see "swamp lights."

Its like the beginning of a science fiction movie with the Professor and the Kid From the Wrong Side of the Tracks and the Crazy Old Shark Hunter guy.

The Hamster Switch

My girlfriend had all these pets in a GM-created fenced-in pet area on the side of the house with a little gate that worked and everything.

Each of the pets had their own names, 'cause in that game you could rename everything.

There was a sheep, and a couple squirrels, and I dunno what, I never really paid attention to it, I don't think there were any horses.

Anyways the animals were there in that pen even when we logged off.

This one time me and a buddy were practising magic spells inside the house and I accidentally killed one of her named pets with a fireball or something so me and him had to go out and find and tame and rename another animal just like the one I accidentally killed.

Y'know the Olde Hamster Switch.

'Cause there's no way she could tell the difference between the Old Kitten and the New Kitten, y'know?

That's not really the worst of it, though, the worst of it is that I looted and skinned her dead pet to get rid of the corpse faster.

And then sometimes I would log in first and I'd notice that somebody else besides me had killed one of her pets.

Y'know it just be laying there dead nobody would actually kill and skin a pet like I would to get rid of a body.

But since I had done it myself, and covered it up, I couldn't really be all outraged about it.

And to keep my girlfriend from making noises, I ended up covering up the pet crimes other people did by pulling the Olde Hamster Switch.

I got so good at pulling the Olde Hamster Switch that I began to take a sense of pride in it, and I'd cover up Dead Pet Crimes that I didn't even have anything to do with, just for the excitement of pulling a fast one on everybody.

And I'd imagined the frustration of the thwarted pet murderer who did it on purpose only to have the pet replaced before the owner could find out about it.

It was a Secret One Man War between the People Who Killed Pets and the Guy Who Brought Pets Back to Life.

And then I started to wonder if I was the only one, I mean, how many Pet Killers and Hamster Switchers were there?

How many times have these pets been replaced with a look alike?

How deep does this corruption go?

But I don't really care about all that so I forgot about it until now.

Seriously it was more like a I Love Lucy episode heh.

Star Trek Emperor

The first thing wrong with Star Trek Enterprise is the intro song.

Its bad, Jim.

He Sees the Future

One day they may make us stand in a Time Bubble to smoke.

We can take as long as we want but it doesn't count.

That'll suck.

It should count.

Monkey Vs. Robot

You look like you needed to be reminded of the Eternal Struggle Against the Robots my brother.

Detect Corpses

If you could Detect Corpses in Real Life like a Necromancer in EQ, you would probably Detect the Corpses of other Corpse Detectors.

How many corpses would a corpse detector detect if a corpse detector could detect corpses?

The Russian Deathray

Oh man are we gonna do the voice thing?

Its Monday already.

What do I gotta do?

Frankly

Frankly I'm shocked and horrified that we haven't managed to steal an alien spaceship or two yet.

Thats why I've founded the Let's Steal Some Spaceships Already WTF Institute, to bring the knowledge of inner-city youth to the hillbillies on the outskirts of civilization, like two great forces coming together for the first time, peanut butter and jelly.

I hope you people realize that all we need to do to solve World Hunger and end all the wars and all that is steal a spaceship.

That's it, steal spaceship = problems solved.

So let's get on it people.

I expect your report by Friday.

And don't give me any of that "Flying Triangle" stuff, we need a cool one, unnerstand?

Smoke Break

Have you seen the pilot on this boat?

Yah.

But pilots can get away with that crazy shit.

Oh they keep him frozen most of the time don't worry the computer only wakes him up for landings the automatic pilot can't handle, like frontier planets with no sats and heavy cloud cover and stuff like that.

Trust me its better if we don't ask him to help us load up.

So you been with us a while if you seen the pilot.

Ah yah.

Hey I just work here man I don't pick the planets we do.

Yah I'm just a Terraformer Mechanic I've been down here keeping the Susan Sarandon running from the inside for the last twenty years.

Yah I sleep through most of it.

Oh no I do go out sometimes, heck, we're the first ones out there once the readings say Susie has cleared us some space.

Yah, y'know, the crime rate skyrockets as soon as folks can walk around on the surface of the planet so you got to keep an eye out.

But when you are the first one out there its like the only crime there is is whatever you bring with you.

Its pretty cool.

Although the Susie is an old rig and she tends to terraform stuff a little high on the PH side.

Hey, saves me credits on haircuts, right?

Adult Swim

Three little words.

Not enough Spaceghost.

Those Spaceghost guys are lucky I'm not an insane emperor like Caligula.

Jeeze this is like six hours of watching two guys sing along to the radio.

Oh man wtf is this shit.

No Robots Allowed

"You know when yer android is like ninety days past his warranty and he's starting to freak out and he does that joke where he pretends to break down?"

"Yah."

"Or how about when an android does an impersonation of HAL and keeps saying your name in every sentence 'cause they're programmed with a knowledge of psychological warfare."

"Yah that sucks."

"Or dribbles milk out of their mouth like the one from Aliens."

"Oh man that's the worst."

"Especially when they laugh 'cause you know they aren't really laughing they're just imitating laughter and looking at you with their Robot Eyes."

"Yah."

"And you know what they're thinking about, right?"

"What?"

"You know what they're thinking about?"

"No."

"They're thinking about what would happen to us in an airlock."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Man."

"Yah, see, it all comes down to the airlock, any other place, we could put up a pretty good fight, but they really got it over us in the airlock."

"Yah."

"Yah that's why I hate this job they gave us working in the airlock."

"Yah."

"Its weird that no robots work here."

"Yah, that's weird."

Space Cowboy

Y'know how Space Heroes end up, if they live too long?

Where they're like part robot and they got the genetic memories of a symbiote and their brain was once used to host the entire knowledge of the ancients and they've been Ascended Beings but they've come back to life multiple times and had their memories erased but they're still in love with that ghostgirl from the Time Loop That Never Happened?

Y'know how it gets all piled up after a while on one guy like that?

Where your clones and evil twins aren't as scary as you are and more than one of your True Loves has been killed with lasers?

Y'know know what I'm talking about?

Really?

Okay, well, I got some questions, then.

Are holographic doctors allowed to vote and stuff?

'Cause that seems kinda weird.

How long are they programmed to live?

Forever with upgrades?

If I used a hologram machine to make a leprechaun, and then I hunted it and killed it and cooked it and ate it, would I get in trouble?

Feudal

If you are the newly assigned lord of some cursed village, and all the villagers start killing themselves before you even get there because they're superstitious and they worship some weird forest god and there was an eclipse or an earthquake or something and they're afraid of you, what do you do?

You are gonna need some immigrants.

You are gonna need some kinda Hey Move Here advertising thing with Travelling Minstrels or something.

And you gotta do damage control too 'cause you don't wanna be known as the lord of that cursed village where everybody killed themselves at all the Fancy Lord Parties either heh.

The Man

You know what would be an awesome game?

A game where you went around as the Corporation Man.

Doing all sorts of awesome evil corporate shit to people and then cutting lawyers in on the deal to get you out of it.

Wiping out whole villages and burning rainforests and everything.

Y'know, so you could get all that out of your system without hurting anybody ahaha.

Brothel Math

If you are a pimp, and the pimp across town cuts all your prices by five bucks, that would be bad, right?

I mean, not only is he stealing your customers, but he's making it so that everybody makes less money per night, including him.

Unless he's worked out some kinda micro-payment system where he makes up for the five buck discount for layered services and upgrades or something.

So maybe you kill him, if you are in a movie, or maybe you buy him out so you can control prices for everyone's benefit and monopolize the market, or maybe you spy on him and figure out his micro-payment system or something, but the worst thing you can do for everybody is lower your prices by more than five bucks.

Unless you are willing to wage some kind of "cheap hookers have more personality" spinwar.

Smile

There's only two things my grandparents would watch on TV.

Kungfu movies and Wrestling.

It was the best time to hang out with them, too, I think it was the only time they ever exercised their laughing muscles.

They were the kind of folks that got four hundred frowning muscles and only three smiling muscles.

I'm like that too, so is my mom, y'know, we have to put some conscious energy into looking cheerful or people think we're pissed off and stuff, I look angry when I relax, so if I'm spacing out people get worried, and then they're all like "what's wrong?" and I have to smile and make them feel comfortable its a pain in the ass man.

But its really just the way the rubber sits on my face y'know heh.

And I get tired of keeping that happy face up all the time.

But then again, just because I have that angry face thing going on, it doesn't make me able to see through other people's angry faces.

Like I never know if my mom is actually pissed or not, she has to talk for a while before I can get a feel for it.

Her face is totally detached from her emotional state when she talks to someone she considers an equal, it doesn't give away any tells, 'cause all that stuff is "shining somebody," its like patronizing and disrespectful.

She got real tired of me asking if she was pissed off all the time when I was a kid.

Just think of hanging out with Clint Eastwood and you'll know what I'm saying heh.

"Like, hey man, are you pissed off or something?"

"What? No. Haha man no I was just spacing out."

"Dude you always look like you are pissed off."

But I'm not complaining, y'know, 'cause looking like you are paying attention or deep in thought when you ain't can be handy sometimes too heh.

The Incredible Frogboy

You know what is bad about doing comedy on TV?

You never know what kind of commercials they're gonna play during the commercial breaks.

Well lately its been a mixture of Penis Enhancement Ointments and Genital Herpes Treatments which is an interesting clash of spices even without little squirts of comedy gold in between heh.

But if you are like a new comic and they do that shit to you that's horrible I mean you could be doomed because people are always gonna associate Genital Herpes with you and shit y'know?

See you need somebody smart like me to look out for your best interests baby somebody that'll pimp yer ass out right ahaha.

Its time to listen to a little inspirational music.

Ahh.

Ahaha hellyah goldmine.

This is like mental training for one of the infinite planes of the Abyss this'll toughen you up trust me you need this heh.

Who

I like how there's a special section in the wiki where the Dalek Lovers defend themselves against my Daleks Can't Climb Stairs Attacks.

I like Doctor Who but the Daleks always made me laugh, big old fashioned vacuum cleaner with the little wheels on the bottom and the musket sticking out of its chest ahaha man gimme a break.

M-M-Max

This is not how I remember it at all.

My mom and my little brother and me saw that when it interrupted Doctor Who on PBS, and the way I remember it was funnier.

The Guy in the Max Headroom Mask came on and said "Do you know why you never see me below the waist?"

And then he stood up and mooned the camera heh.

That was all I remember I don't remember any of this junk that they say happened.

That's kinda weird that I remember it different.

Doritos Ain't Food

Somebody I know says that Doritos Ain't Food that they're more like little chips of wood or cardboard with some chemical powder.

I think it was my Uncle, the one that ain't really related to me but was my dad's best friend from Vietnam so he was my Uncle in that way, y'know.

He really was my godfather so there's that too but he was my Uncle before he was one of my godparents so it stuck.

No wait, he said that Tombstone Pizza was like cardboard, he said Doritios were like those scented wood chips you put in a Hamster Cage ahaha.

He's the one who liked Conan and Underground Comics and made all the little kids laugh.

He was a big ole bear of a guy with one of those truckstop hillbilly asskicker moustaches but he had that Santa Claus thing where you knew he was a Good Guy right away.

I think it was him that said Doritos Ain't Food.

Anyway whoever it was made this face when they said it, and ever since then, I ain't been able to eat Doritos without thinking about the bottom of a Hamster Cage.

And it makes Doritos really hard to eat sometimes ahaha.

So which voice thing are we gonna use?

The good thing about voice is that I can eat anything crunchy and just pretend they're Doritos if we get Doritos as a sponsor or I have to apologise to the Doritos People for doing that Doritos Ain't Food Routine ahaha.

The Prison State

Another thing I saw lately that tumbled around in my brain for a while was this Prison State Chart where it shows how many folks different countries have in prison, and the U.S. is like WoW on there, with Seven Million people in prison, and all these other countries have like six guys in prison.

I'm not sure what the chart is supposed to be implying but the thing that keeps coming back to my mind is that thing Ex-bouncer and me always yap about where the U.S. is a young country full of people who just moved here and don't really know each other.

Its a lot easier to throw people in the slammer when you don't give a shit about them because you don't know their family and where they came from and stuff (like you would in an older country, where they'd probably just give Olaf Olafson a little slap on the wrist 'cause everybody knows his dad or some shit like that).

And on the flipside, its also probably easier to commit crimes against folks that your parents (if ya got any) don't know and shit.

Well, its not really the "flipside," y'know, 'cause giving somebody a horrible sentence in a court of law is pretty much the exact same thing as committing a horrible crime against somebody.

So there is that.

Sexist Bastard

I just read this thing about how Sexist Jokes are bad.

Yah somebody did some study where dudes were exposed to Sexist Jokes (whatever that means) and then they were told to split up funding for different groups and the ones that had been exposed to Sexist Jokes gave Women Groups Less Money.

It always comes down to the money for women, y'know?

AHAHA.

Anyways, I'm not exactly sure what a Sexist Joke is supposed to be, y'know, I mean, sex humor stuff where a guy and a girl exchange quips and zingers is actually just a bunch of pig-tail pulling and friendly flirting, y'know?

That's two people testing each others wit or keeping each other sharp.

And I've heard way more blonde jokes from dark haired women than anybody else (that's probably because I'm blonde heh).

And then there's the bit where Sexist Humor, y'know, like a well-timed Wife Joke, is one of those ways to bridge cultural gaps and avoid being eaten by cannibals.

I mean, it can really save your life if you think about it.

And do I really think women are any different than men, aside from all the cultural stuff and the physical junk that goes along with reproduction?

Nope, not at all, actually, they come in all the same varieties as men, smart ones, dumb ones, confident ones, insecure ones, aggressive ones, passive ones, whatever.

And I know that nobody likes to be disrespected, but there is a certain respect required to even understand enough about the human condition to even MAKE a joke, y'know?

I mean, you had to actually pay attention to shit before you can come up with a zinger about a situation or something heh.

And then there's the jokes that are meant to be funny by virtue of immitating the opinion of an idiot, where its actually not the Sexual Subject that's the important part, but the Stupid Thought Processes that are the Real Subject of the Joke.

Those kinda things are actually the way we get RID of bad ideas and thought processes, y'know?

And that is what I think the experiment that I read about has a lot more to do with, actually.

I mean, let's say we're in a laboratory environment, and I'm a guy with a white coat and a clipboard, and I hand you a bunch of videotapes full of Blonde Jokes, and I don't say anything about it, and I don't give you any other clues about me to work with.

Aren't you going to think I like that kinda shit?

And if I'm in control of the air conditioning and your comfort and your general well-being, don't you think you might adjust your reactions and adapt a bit to try to fit into that culture?

Even if, later on, you might use your power in the community to change an aspect of your culture that you don't particularly like, the first step of that strategy involves establishing a common ground without setting off any cultural defense systems and gathering some support heh.

And that goes double if you are getting paid to be in an experiment, y'know?

I mean, let's say you give me a bunch of porno tapes in an experiment, I'm not gonna yell out "DUDE NO! PORNO IS EVIL!" and get kicked out of the place right off the bat if I wanna take your money for sitting there heh.

And then there's the thing where people are supposed to divide up the funding for an imaginary corporation or whatever, like I'm gonna need to take that real serious, I mean, what exactly is the benefit of dividing up all the funding in a way that the guy's who gave me all the porno tapes wouldn't like?

That's why nobody tends to do it in a way that the porno tape guys (or whoever) wouldn't like.

And then finally there's the whole point of the article, which seems to be that men shouldn't make sexist jokes.

Which is sexist and does absolutely nothing for the idea that everybody is equal ahaha.

Plus its kinda like telling people to Shut Up.

Which is probably the most disrespectful and inconsiderate thing you can possibly do in a multi-cultural universe made out of words.

Or its like saying "don't pick on them, because they're weak" which is even worse, I mean, shit.

And this is really all because somebody built an experiment around trying to sum up a very sophisticated and complicated piece of machinery, because it was too hard to understand all the little bits that make it work.

I mean, did the folks in the experiment give funding to Equal-Rights-For-Men Groups and stuff like that instead of Equal-Rights-For-Women Groups?

Or did they choose to fund things where they thought men and women would benefit equally?

Isn't it sexist for women to divert everyone's funding to groups where only women will benefit in the first place?

See, that is just not the way we do Science.

But of course you wouldn't know that because you are a woman ahaha.

Love and Her Majesty's Gratitude

"I'm not leaving my submarine without a fight!"

"Yep, they'll never forget the day whats-his-name Rode into Hodunk and set them all straight on that one issue. Or whatever."

Whoah so the king catches you making out with his wife and then you kill him and then you find a guy in a cell that's the real king 'cause the first guy was just an imposter?

And then the Real King and the Guy That Was Making Out With His Wife have a swordfight and the Real King wins and everybody lives happily ever after but the Queen got to make out with two guys.

No, wait, three guys, if you include the imposter.

Man this is a long swordfight shit.

Ah nobody won the swordfight after all that?

The dude who was Making Out With the Queen jumped out a window and swam the moat oh man that is such a typical archvillain rip-off ahaha.

Echo Echo Echo

We should do some kinda Internet Radio Thing.

Like, use Ventrillo for it or something, I dunno.

The only hard part is finding somebody sober enough to man the switchboard-operator position and let "callers" through right?

I don't care if its somebody else's Radio Show either as long as we can all barge in there.

Well who cares if its stupid let's just do it anyways.

Dude Winst and Madjack and those guys had a good sound system when we were hanging out with them but they got a lot of british guys on there so that kinda sucks y'know ahaha.

Yah, even though Madjack tried to keep them all segregated at my request a few of 'em still got through 'member it was awful I couldn't understand a word they were saying AHAHA.

Oh I'm just kidding y'know I love brits that Lord of the Rings movie was really top notch ahaha.

Man we could even pretend that Soccerman was there 'cause he never says anything that anybody can hear anyways.

C'mon Ex-B and Big Tuna are so much better with their Joliet Jake accents fully restored and remastered ahaha.

We can even listen to Ex-B's wife yell at him!

Shit man she went to some kinda School of Broadcasting or something didn't she?

Linst would be awesome if he'd do it, y'know, he was the one doing the Say Friend Plastic Man Radio Announcer Voice when we were all kids, he taught me all about how you can't have any Radio Silence and shit or people think a nuke went off ahaha.

Oh c'mon man we could even have Red Headed Stepchild's band on there (we'll get the band back together! Ahaha) and get Raph Koster to play us one of his love songs and then we could pretend to smash him over the head with his acoustic guitar with sound effects.

Haha man you know what we need is a sound effects machine that can do crowds laughing and that "eee-oooo" foghorn noise ahaha.

"BZZZZT! WRONG!"

I'm not talking about signing a contract or anything I'm just talking about something I can do while I kick back and watch Turner Classic Movies and think about how I should write up one of my patented magic spells that makes 'em to put the Old Guy Back in the Bomb Shelter 'cause I was just kidding with that other thing I wrote that they should do and then they went ahead and did it so now I want 'em to change it back ahaha.

Who is this New Guy?

Is he supposed to be the Old Guy's Number One or something?

Man why'd they have to make everything so complicated ahaha.

I'm glad the Old Guy got to meet Danny Devito though looks like he had some fun on his vacation now put him back in the Movie Vault Bomb Shelter and take the rest of these people out back and do 'em like that guy from Vanguard would do 'em.

Just Gonna Sit Here

Man I'm supposed to go to my brother's wife's birthday party in a couple hours but I don't wanna go y'know I'm still just barely coming out of Mad Scientist Mode.

I know it'd be easiest for me in the long run to just go through the motions, y'know, Put On the Happy Face and Do the Voice and stuff but I'm still trying to think up ways to do the phone call to get myself out of it and what kind of promises I would have to make to pull that off heh.

And it don't really matter if I'm there or not y'know, 'cause really there's like fifty people at these things, but the women in the family says it matters, and if I don't show up then they'll "start to worry about me" and shit like that and then I'm really in trouble 'cause I've landed myself on the Telephone Gossip Radar.

And the guys won't help because they'll be mad that THEY had to go to the Pony Show and stand around like a jackass when I DIDN'T so there's no quarter there ahaha.

Yah I just don't feel like it.

Sometimes you just don't feel like it.

Other times playing with their kids and eating barbecue sounds great.

But not this time.

And I really don't care about all the women jibber-jabber they always find a new target if you just keep playing dead ahaha.

I suppose I should add that I already used the "I'm sick" excuse LAST weekend to get out of the Halloween Junk so that's why I'm wondering if its gonna be strong enough to hold up two weeks in a row and shit AHAHA.

Well I got a good real excuse for that Halloween one, it was horrible, man, see, they invited my stepdad's mom, and she's really great and everything but she's in her nineties and so she's always acting like its the last time she's ever gonna see you and it gets depressing and I just didn't wanna go to some kinda creepy Halloween Pre Funeral Party.

Firemen

When I was little, my mom told me that everyone says that Firemen just sit around the Firehouse all day reading porno mags and then she laughed.

It was just some joke from when she was a kid or something y'know just one of those weird things your parents blurt out.

But it stuck with me, because I was so small that I didn't really know anything about firemen, and also because I always understand exactly what she's saying and where she's coming from when she says anything, y'know, 'cause she's my mom.

And so anyways, unlike all the other children on the playground, the first thing that came to my mind when anybody brought up Firemen was Sitting Around the Firehouse All Day Reading Porno Mags.

I didn't get into trouble over it, or anything, y'know, I was able to hide my psychological disfigurement in polite company by not saying anything, I always knew that Reading Porno Mags might be unsettling to some of the younger viewers in the audience ahaha.

And so with this personal burden of silence I continued as a child until all the other children started associating Firemen with Sitting Around the Firehouse All Day Reading Porno Mags of their own free will.

And suddenly I was the popular guy hurrah and I saved the whole town by rollerskating better than this other guy.

Naw I'm just kidding we both rollerskated just as good as each other and became fast friends at the end.

But eventually I wasn't cool anymore because the New Cool Thing was that Firemen Messed Around With Hookers All Day At the Firehouse and I never heard of that before.

When I got old enough to actually have friends that were my age that were Firemen I was all like, so, do you guys sit around all day and read porno mags and mess with hookers like everybody says?

And they're all like, no, fireman stuff is serious blah blah blah, and then they give me a speech about fire safety, y'know, like, what kind of fire suppression system they have in the building we're in and whether it'll suffocate us or not when it triggers and whatever ahaha.

I Ate All Your Bees

AHAHAHA*cough*AHAHAHA

"Hey, kids, don't huff gasoline."

Jealous

I think they should pay hollywood writers more.

I mean, those cop shows they write with all the teenage witches with guns and kungfu and special effects and quick camera movements are pretty good.

Way better than the Price Is Right OMG I thought the psychological warfare department of our government created that show to make us quit cutting school when I was a kid ahaha.

A Boy and His Dog

Y'know how they say that the filming of Poltergeist was Cursed or Haunted or something?

Well that's how anybody who tries to make a Post Apocalypse Game seems to be now.

None of you guys murdered that dude that did Gamma World or something, right?

And the Fallout Guy is still alive, I think, although nobody knows what he looks like, he's like some kinda Mysterious Shakespeare Guy, he may not even exist, he may be a collection of people, or he may even be a woman ahaha.

Do they still print Heavy Metal Comics?

Man see the whole world is turning into people that wear scarves and v-neck sweaters like that dude that drove the Mystery Mobile.

Its actually happening.

We all have to be nice to women?

Well I'm not doing that.

What's next!

That's the Real Apocalypse, Scoob!

You turn into a guy with a scarf and a pink sweater and then you drive a van around and help women solve mysteries until you die!

Pass me s'more of those don't get yer slobber on 'em and hog 'em all now ahaha.