Bionic Dog Mummy

Skeletons are dumb monsters.

'Cause I don't know what it is that holds a skeleton's bones together.

Its "magic" or something, right?

Yah, see, that sucks.

Zombies are a little better, 'cause at least they aren't held together with magic.

But I feel sorry for zombies, because they're being eaten alive by bugs and bacteria and stuff.

And eventually they'll turn into skeletons, and then they'll suck just as bad as skeletons do.

Actually, if there was a zombie apocalypse, the wandering packs of wild dogs that used to be pets would probably eat them all.

And skeletons would really be in trouble with the dogs.

A skeleton is sorta like a plate of glazed donuts to a dog.

Mummies are a little better than zombies, 'cause bugs and bacteria have a hard time with mummies, but they could be better, y'know.

We could reinforce their joints by welding metal robot parts and spiked shoulderpads and junk to 'em during an A-Team Montage.

Then we'd have a decent monster that you couldn't kill with a broom.

Something that'd be able to put up a little bit of a fight during the Feral Dog Apocalypse that would surely follow any Zombie Apocalypse.

Y'know what's weird?

The way dogs are like the exact opposite of us with the undead, y'know?

'Cause to dogs, you don't get more scary when you die and turn into a skeleton, you get more tasty and delicious.

A zombie apocalypse with skeletons walking around is like some kinda candyland amusment park to a dog.

Dogs would actually get nasty and fight with each other over who gets to eat a skeleton.

A vengeful ghost and murder story is like a cooking show to a dog.

Makes me kinda wonder what a dog would write for a Scary Story.

Maybe that's why they're so goddam happy all the time heh.