Thursday, April 5, 2007

The Sorta Psychic Fun Machine

I actually do have pyschic powers, precognition and mind reading and stuff.

Mmm-hmm oh sure I do.

Well, mebbe what seems like mind reading is really just a weird version of precognition and postcognition or something, some kinda whacked-out cerebral detection of echoes and imperfections-in-discrete-time-sequencing or some kinda physics hiccup or something.

Lemme know when you start to feel razzle-dazzled by my fancy star trek "reverse-polarity" footwork there heh.

Yabbut, see, my super powers only work in a certain way.

Yah, they only work when I'm trying to be funny.

And they usually only work against me.

And besides finding wallets and avoiding horrible accidents every once in a while, and as much as I say that I use my super powers to pick up chicks, that happens to be exactly how I got credited with the Worst Pick Up Attempt In The Entire Universe Ever, see.

Yah, my buddy Linst (and Good Ol' Nick, too, actually) was there when it happened, so he knows I'm speaking the truth.

Yah, see, there were these two pretty girls at an extremely crowded bar (I don't actually ever hang out at bars, 'cause you can't hardly do anything fun in a bar, but this was a special case).

And we were waiting for some guy to show up, and I was bored, so I go up to these two girls and I ask the first one, a dark-haired little mouse, what her name was.

And she says she didn't want to tell me 'cause she hated her name and she was embarrassed.

And I thought that was cute, so I said "well, no matter what yer name is, it can't be as bad as Agnes, man, y'know, 'cause that name is the worst. Just be glad yer name isn't Agnes, holy shit!"

And then her friend had to step up like an ambulance driver and explain to me that I had guessed her buddy's name on the first try.

And so I said "well, what's your name then? The only thing I can think of that's even worse than Agnes is...."

...and I tried real hard to guess something that couldn't possibly be Agnes's friend's name, even though I had a really, really bad felling that no matter what I guessed...

And of course I guessed her name, too.

Well, honestly, I can't even remember what it was, but it had to be something like Ulga, right?


And then it turns out we were supposed to meet these two girls at this place, 'cause they were old friends of the guy we were supposed to meet, and that's actually why my buddies had brought me to this goddam bar, y'know, to meet this guy, fresh out of the navy, who wanted us to meet his girlfriend Agnes (ugh AHAHA), so I had to hang out with them all night for weeks and weeks afterwards.

Yah, so I had singled them out of a crowd, guessed both their names, and totally insulted 'em.

And man-oh-man they always hated my guts.

So that's how I learned the hard way not to tempt Fate and play the Name Game anymore, y'know, 'cause Fate's a real bitch and she don't want me flirting with any other women heh.

And I'll never get one of those jobs at a circus guessing people's weight and shit either, holy crap even thinking about doing anything like that makes my spider senses tingle all crazy with omens of an impending trip to the hospital sponsored by a crowd of angry hillbillies ahaha.

What's worse, even though I'm only psychic when I'm trying to be funny, it seems like everybody else in Real Life can read my mind all the time.

I dunno what the hell that is all about, they don't even have a cool X-Men Name for that Shitty Magic Power, but I learned a long time ago not to bother trying to lie to people, y'know, I just go around being completely honest all the time and taking my beatings right up front 'cause there's no sense in trying to postpone the inevitable or get away with anything.

And that curse where everybody can read my mind sorta forced me to learn to start liking people right off the bat or get murdered a lot, y'know?

Which is why all the old people and little kids and drunks and animals follow me around everywhere, I guess.

So its not all bad, y'know, I got that stupid-ass disney mister-blue-bird-on-my-shoulder thing going for me heh.

But I also attract crazy people like a frickin' lightning rod.

Yah, bums have a habit of zeroing in on me from across a busy street full of people so they can try to explain to me how they ain't guilty of whatever they're guilty of, and that gets old really fast.

And I bring out the crazy in normally un-crazy people, too.

Which is sometimes good and sometimes bad, its a little annoying when you are just trying to get through the check-out line at the grocery store with a can of coffee and everybody is trying to tell you their life stories and shit, but I've gotten used to it over all these years, and it usually works to my advantage 'cause I get treated like a long-lost relative and shit when I need help, which is basically all the time since I never needed to learn how to do anything by myself 'cause I can always get people to help me heh.

Anyways, I know I'm not the only one like me, I mean, Ex-bouncer has the exact same disease, and probably half of you guys that read this crap I write have it too.

Yah, me and Ex-bouncer can actually attract two separate crazy people and make them fight Godzilla versus King Kong style, we used to do that on the train when we got bored, I mean, there's actually Secondary Skills we learned over all these years that come into play in a situation like that, where you not only know how to attract crazy people and fire up their Crazy, but you can make yourself invisible to them somehow so they can't target you directly when they show up heh.

And it might seem kinda like magic or something, but it ain't, that crazy-guy invisibility thing is just a survival mechanism or something you pick up after so many years of being a human lightning rod for crazy shit.

And its just another one of those things everybody sees and nobody talks about 'cause it makes you sound crazy.

But I can't hide nothing 'cause y'all can read my mind so I'm not even gonna bother trying.

And when we all get to hang out on the Hot Pink Jet Plane, you'll see some crazy ass shit happening, so I figgered I'd explain it a little ahead of time.

Well, at least it makes us good bodyguards and Scooby Doo Mystery Solvers.

And there's other advantages, too, y'know, as long as I don't totally fuck it up like I did with Agnes and her buddy Ulga or whatever.

Yah, after all these years, I know I should've said "I think Agnes is an absosmashingly lovely name" when that kinda psychic cheating junk pops into my head, instead of something negative, but y'know, you don't start out wailing away on a guitar like Eddie Van Halen the first time you pick one up heh.

Well, actually, I still fuck it up all the time, and after all these years, I know I ain't never gonna be able to play that goddam guitar like Eddie Van Halen ahaha.

But at least its sorta funny.

And luckily for me, most people have a better sense of humor about that kinda shit than Agnes and her buddy Ulga heh.

Yah, well, I'm also lucky that hardly anybody names their kids something that ugly ahaha.


Sundry Chicken said...

Nothing beats being harassed 4000 miles from home in a dirty train station by a utterly wasted eastern-European transient whose yammering in a strange tongue is nonetheless understood to be rather insistent declarations that you too must and will enjoy sharing his incredibly humongous bottle of grain alcohol and tomato juice.

Nothing except that maybe Morphic fields are indeed real and that both you and me and everyone we know is indeed a manifestation of the one cosmic reality known as The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

That Spaghetti Monster is just the Tomato Juice talking.

Sundry Chicken said...

Indeed it is. An alternate manifestation his magnificence pre-digested by the Cuisinart of societal expectation sans egg, flour, water and perhaps Bolognese.