Thursday, April 19, 2007

Just Blame Raph

It's kinda funny that they spent all this development energy on like a hundred dance moves and two hundred bizarre little "ow my ass is so sizzling hot let me lick your face" animated emotes that I bet hardly anybody ever uses more than once or twice, if they even bother to try 'em all out in the first place and they don't skip most of 'em (in which case, the development energy was a complete waste of time).

But then they turn around and try to make you feel like a dork because you just want to be able to jump.

In a Star Wars Game.

Where everybody is a stickler for canon but they hate jumping and jedi and the lightsaber crystals and force powers are all wrong.

I always blame Raph for everything, y'know, just 'cause I saw another guy doing it a long time ago and it looked like it was really fun (AHAHA), but sometimes I think he actually deserves it.

Yah, I think Raph wanted to build a New UO with a Star Wars Skin, which actually woulda been fine with me, if he hadn't treated Star Wars like it was the Enemy of his Designs, like it was an obstacle in the way of him making his New UO.

And then of course he wanted to strut his stuff as community management guy, too, y'know, and he blabbered to all his little Kosterians on the pre-beta forums about it, to win support and spread the hate for the things he hated, like, y'know, STAR WARS, which is how we got to this weird-ass place we're at right now.

Yah, you can't fool me, man, I was there the whole time, and I know when you are repeating something to me that came out of Raph's Mouth originally, even when you don't know that's what you are doing.

"Jedi Should Be Rare."

The Real Life Dwarf, who is the biggest Star Wars Fan I know of in Real Life, I mean, he had all the comic books and encyclopedias with the starship schematics and everything, flat out refused to play SWG 'cause Raph said...

"You can't be a Storm Trooper because you'd be AWOL all the time LOLOL!"

Yah, sure, if you don't wanna make anything for Storm Troopers to do.

Wouldn't the game have been better if you could've joined the Imperial Army and gone through Storm Trooper Boot Camp?

Insteada chopping wood like in UO?

And then, on top of all that, there was all this brave new theoretical shit that was sorta piled on to things from UO, and I'm always cool with testing stuff like that, as long as we can get rid of it when it eventually goes off the tracks and smashes into a helicopter.

Like the crafting system, which is totally bleeding-edge and kickass in a lot of ways, but needs to be re-evaluated and stream-lined big time so that it doesn't exclude practically everybody from doing it and then you won't have to the balance the game for the fact that practically nobody, especially new folks, can craft anything worth a damn.

And the way they didn't target the eleventy-five kinds of useless ore when they started running into database problems, I just go ahead and blame Raph for that.

And the Skill Box system that kinda prevented you from letting low level characters make low level armor out of low level resources for themselves.

Well, I say kinda, 'cause there's always ways around everything, like composite armor required certain attribute levels to wear, but y'know, whenever you mess around with those "kinda" things, you tend to make stuff more convoluted and harder and harder to fix, insteada just fixing 'em, to say nothing of how annoying it is for the players to deal with, which is actually all I care about heh.

Anyways I just go ahead and blame Raph for that, too.

Yah, what the hell, I mean, I'm blaming him for everything else, y'know.

But I don't blame Raph for everything.


Like that 30 fps limit thing, I dunno where the hell that came from.

So I only sorta blame Raph for that, 'cause I think he only sorta hates non-text-based computer games.

And that one-character-per-server thing, now that seems like a classic SOE Stab-Yourself-in-the-Eye Money-Maker, even though they wrap it up in a bunch of artsy smarm about how it supposed to make roleplaying better or whatever (does anybody still fall for that one?).

And the way they give out prizes like BARC Speeders for buying expansions and stuff that sorta flies right in the face of the rest of the game's design as a crafting game, although it is very Modern Day UO heh.

That doesn't seem like Raph stuff to me.

But mebbe Raph was trying to impress 'em by showing 'em he wasn't just some crazy shoeless joe pie-in-the-sky game design artist, that he could, y'know, like, make 'em money and manage communities and stuff, heh.

So mebbe it is still all his fault ahaha.

Or we could all blame Lucasarts for uh, something, I dunno what.

Naw, see, that just doesn't seem as fun (AHAHA).

Oh, I know I'm all cruel and stupid and irreverent and I don't really have a clue what I'm talking about and I definitely pick on Raph too much and stuff, blah blah blah, talk to my Kickass Robot Hand.

So in the interest of promoting peace and to make sure there's no hard feelings and misunderstandings, I'll extend my Kickass Robot Hand in friendship.

Hey Raph, wanna play Star Wars with me?

Seriously man, I need somebody to give me entertainer buffs and craft stuff for me AHAHA.


RickR said...

I definitely like your original viewpoint of all things SWG hehe.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

It drives me crazy when I wait around for somebody crazier than me to show up and say the crazy stuff I really want some crazy person to say and then nobody crazier than me ever shows up heh.

I actually like Raph a lot, y'know, but that doesn't change the fact that SWG is more twisted than a bag of chocolate covered pretzels ahaha.

Sundry Chicken said...

Patience young padawan.

Yoda once told me,

Always ones crazier than you there are.

then the little bastard disappeared behind a shrub and left me standing there with two double-mocha lattes and the bill. Come to think of it I bet Yoda would have flunked Raph out of training, but kept him around to wax his plexiglas desk ornaments.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Ah, better late than never.

Man, they really need to make a two seater speederbike so that me and Raph can ride around together in SWG and I can show him what he's done to Star Wars like the ghost of christmas future while he keeps telling me to pull over so he can puke 'cause he gets car sickness at low framerates.

The reality is just the opposite, though, y'know, I really don't wanna hear those guys complain about the jobs and all that "Nobody understands me! Player's suck! It's the suits fault! See what I was trying to do there?" mopey arthouse shit while I'm trying to shoot stuff.

Plus I don't wanna share my loot with 'em.

"I think you should let me have that painting you just looted since I DID design this game, after all."

"Ummm... no."

"Come on, man, I don't have anything to decorate my house with and I'm the Inventor of House Decorating!"

"Mebbe you shoulda invented a better loot distribution system."

"You ninja looting bastard! You did it again! Now you're just doing it on purpose to infuriate me!"

"i dunno wtf u r talking about RALPH heheheh"


The Lost Ranger said...

Oh the flying monkeys will come get you now... you dissed the Raph and the SWG (though omg you found the emotes! walk up to a newb and fire a whole string of them off and watch their little heads explode as they try to fire their flame throwing laser guided saber at you)

I still love SWG, like the one eyed half bald halitosis ridden former girlfreind who will still do that 'special' thing that the other girls go "eeeuw you sick f*ck" at.

But there are things that give me the screaming abdabs. Like the abyssmal mess they've made out of targetting after trying to marry EQII, SWG and WoW's seperate keyboard layouts into some sorft of FPS-lite thing.

Glad you're having.. something.. ingame. Maybe have to come hunt you down sometime ;)

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

"Don't make me switch to my MAIN!"


The Lost Ranger said...

My alts dad's bigger than your alts dad.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...


MAN, I was just reading the bounty hunter forums over there while I ate dinner and those kids are DEFINITELY having some fun following marks around and listening to them chat with their pals and then shooting 'em when they go afk to take a piss and stuff heh.

I think that's the first time I seen a star wars forum (besides the pilot ones) that didn't make me totally sick to my stomach ahaha.

The Lost Ranger said...


(throws teenage angsty pose against the railings... which is really pathetic in a fat man of forty)