Friday, April 6, 2007

The Fat Man

Why is it that everybody's drug dealer is a Fat Man?

It can't be the same guy, can it?

Well, I've moved like six times since I was first old enough to order pizza delivery, and everywhere I go, there's the same Fat Guy that delivers my pizza, no matter where I order it from.

I remember him from the very first time I ordered pizza when I was a little kid, 'cause I called and cancelled and ordered from somewhere else 'cause it took the Fat Dude like two and a half hours to show up and I was starving when I started.

And when he finally did show up, me and him had a yelling match.

Which is why I'll never forget his face, I mean, hardly anybody has the balls to actually start a yelling match with me in real life, that's some pretty rare shit.

But over all these years, we've become close friends, 'cause I usually give good tips, y'know, 'cause working fer the mob taught me to do that.

He still looks at me a little weird, 'cause of that first time we met, and 'cause I could totally destroy his ass if I wanted to, and I always think about doing exactly that when I look at him, for some reason, but then we exchange nervous laughs and stuff and its all good.

Well, sorta, heh.

Anyways its freaky that this dude keeps following me around from city to city and working at all these different local pizza places, y'know?

Well, maybe my Pizza Guy is exactly like the Drug Dealer Fat Man, like some kinda weird Modern version of Santa Claus or something, a tiny little god of a bizarre new little pantheon, some kinda greasy and mildly unpleasant supernatural force heh.

Or mebbe the gods are just cutting corners and shit.

Anyways, I s'pose I shouldn't make fun of him then, 'cause he might have super powers.

Aw, he prolly spits-and-worse in my food anyways, so fuck him, man.

If he's a supernatural being, than mebbe I am too.

Yah, like, the Worst Customer Ever or something.

Yah, mebbe everywhere he goes, there's this asshat customer that follows him around and treats him like shit ahaha.

Well, whatever, I prolly drink booze less than I can count on one hand every year, and I get to smoke weed with the Indian Chiefs in the Smoke Lodge much less than that (although that's not exactly by choice heh), so I'm not recommending that kinda shit or anything, I mean, my pitiful-ass stone-cold sobriety is probably why I notice hideous patterns like this in the first place heh.

But it is a little odd, y'know?

I mean, I've heard people talk about the Fat Man all over the place.

And I even got to see and hang out with the Fat Man a bunch of times, when I was younger, hanging out with the Real Life Dwarf, so I actually know that's he's aptly named and shit.

Bah, it probably has something to do with the munchies heh.

Yah, just like the Pizza Guy has positioned himself to have all that access to Pizza ahaha.

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