Monday, April 9, 2007

Sick Bastard

There is nothing quite like being able to watch your own cognitive powers fart away happily into the darkness like a deflating balloon when you get sick.

When I start reading stuff I contrived and going "huh that's cool" I know I'm in trouble heh.

When you get the flu, its sorta like your head becomes a badly cooked dish of lasagna, yer noodles get all chewy and parts of it turn into heavy tire rubber on one side, bits of mozzarella become plastic woodchips with little bits of dirt and gristle embedded innit that used to be meat, yer ricotta gets all dried out and crumbly and tastes like styrofoam packing peanuts, and all the vegetable stuff is more like eating crayons and construction paper than onions and tomatos and spices.

And then when I smoke, everything starts to taste like pencils for some reason, I mean, if I really loved the way pencils taste, I'd be in frickin' pencil heaven right now.

See, this is exactly what happens when you have to hang out with kids too much, not even working downtown for three years in human-sized glass and aluminum hamster tubes crammed with moaning corpses and no air holes in the tupperware lid can help prepare you for all the designer diseases those damn kids cultivate, they're like roving military grade biological weapon platforms and shit.

Although I guess I shouldn't complain, 'cause at least I'm half immune to everything.

Yah, I only got half a fever and only one side of my hat-holder is completely congested and pulsing like an alien egg sac filled with twenty-five pounds of It Definitely Ain't Butter.

Yah, and somehow, the other side of my head is all fine and symptom-free, I mean, aside from the fact that for some totally unfair reason, it seems to be permanently attached to the absoshmiggenly funged-up mutant side of my head.

Guess I'm like the Three Legged Pig, y'know, too good to eat all at once.

Yah, and crying like a baby from only one eye, with tears running down just one of my cheeks ahaha ow shit.

Its funny how I was just thinking about writing something about people who have bosses that read the shit they write on the internet having to pretend to be sick in text format when they play hooky right before I suddenly became sick heh.

But now I'm too messed up to write anything good like that ahaha.

Well, no matter how bad things get, you can almost always take comfort in the fact that they ain't even begun to be as bad as they can be until Dennis Hopper shows up and tells you to bite down on a sock.


W.Churchill said...

ahhahha damn that last paragraph!

Yeah man I hate being sick, havent been for awhile I think cause I smoke so much that any bugs that enter my lungs get trapped on the years of cigarette tar and die before they can enter my system.

As for little kids, oh man that aint no joke, I see'em all over with snot hanging, then they wipe it off and start touching door handle and shit, just like their programmed to do so they can infect the other kids who dont have whatever they got and then they can help spread that shit around faster. Thats how they get stronger, unfortunately us adults havent had this new strain and we get sick from it.

Oh and it isnt just little kids either, the community college I go to started a campaign last month. Cant remember the little slogan, it was something like “wash yer fucking hands after you use the bathroom” or something like that. Dude I see college age kids not wash up all the time.

HAHHAH I even caught a guy faking a hand wash once. I was at the sink using soap and this guy flushes, walks up next to me, turns on the water and outta the corner of my eye he's rubbing his hands together in the sink no where near the water!!! LOL he even used a paper towel to dry his hands afterwards! I did say something to him, "What was the point in all that man?" Called him out on the fake hand wash, he just looked at me like he just smoked a bunch of weed and walked out, goddamn clueless these punkass kids these days.

Dont even get me started on how these lazy shits treat public bathrooms, fuckers too embarrassed to use a urinal so they gotta piss all over MY toilet seat ffs....

So yeah kids do it by instinct, but these college age kids are just plain old lazy scumbags. So lazy someone at the school had the idea to hang signs up in the restrooms to remind these shits to use soap and water.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Yah I'm only a wuss about getting sick 'cause I hardly ever get sick.

Ain't had a sore throat or a stomach ache for like twenty years.

And even when I get the Black Plague, y'know, stuff that means a trip to the hospital for the rest of my family, I usually only have mild symptoms like a headache for a few hours and then it goes away (my flu was gone when I woke up this morning).

It probably IS the smoking thing.

That or some weird cult of people with super healing powers on the internet heard me complain and fixed me, y'know, I don't want THEM guys thinking I'm ungrateful or something heh.

Most computer guys (and artists and writers and probably a million other things) are pretty obsessive compulsive about washing their hands fifty times a day, can't concentrate with sticky hands and stuff.

Lotta obsessive compulsive folks won't use public facilities though, 'cause of that thing where you might pick up more germs turning the water on and off than you actually get rid of.

I'm not like THAT, I mean, I grew up on a farm with dirt in my hair, and I'm pretty sure my appendix still works and everything.

That STILL don't explain YER weird guy, though, I dunno WHAT the hell he was doing, HE'S like Typhoid Mary or a Nurgle Worshipper or some shit heh.

W.Churchill said...

lol yeah

also never use a bathroom that has a troft, it isnt that often you see them down here its a texas thing maybe I dunno, but I hate them if I dont time it right and gotta share it with another guy.
Well, sprinkles.

It hasnt happened to me, yet, and I dread the day it does. Its happened to a buddy of mine a few times, lol I told him maybe they like you or something, he didnt think it was funny. He's like "Stop pissing on me NOW!" or he's thought of turning it back at them so to speak.

The day that happens is the day I get thrown in jail for kicking the crap outta some guy in the mens room.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

And at the opposite end of the spectrum, you got the places the mob hangs out at, where they actually got a dude in a tuxedo who stands around in the bathroom and waits to DRY YOUR HANDS WITH A TOWEL.

So you DEFINITELY can't be no kinda weird ass freak in a place like that.

Yer supposed to give that dude a tip, too.

Luckily the Big Guy was there and he took care of that for me 'cause he saw I was sorta in shock at the whole goddam thing, I can totally handle shit like killing people who pissed on my shoes and stuff but I don't have a single line of programming to handle ANYTHING like standing there while some fancy guy dries my hands, it was SO frickin' awkward ahaha.

That's the time I the Boss gave me some thousand-dollar scotch, too.

Man nothing beats those guys for hospitality, they DO NOT FAIL to impress heh.

Plus they're all good natured and down to earth and giving you a nudge and laughing along with you and shit so you don't feel like a total asswipe ahaha.