The Moustache Network

When I was really little, my family was really poor.

And my mom had to drive around in a car fulla holes that broke down all the time, working like seven jobs to pay for all the star wars toys she bought me and my little brother, so I was sorta like one of those Dickens kids, left to my own devices, going around stealing cigarettes out of cars and stuff, y'know.

But unlike the baggy pants punkass kids of today, I din't actually have an evil bone in my body, I was a little blonde-haired blue-eyed hippy-version of a Norman Rockwell-looking kid, and so people liked me everywhere I went, even when you were one of those people that caught me stealing cigarettes out of your car heh.

So I made lots of friends.

One of them was this twenty-something year-old (at the time) Italian House Painter Guy With a Moustache that Sunsword always reminded me of.

And I don't 'member how it all went down exactly, 'cause I was only five years old or so, but I remember I was talking to him and joking with him while I watched him paint some construction site I had wandered into, and suddenly he was saying "YOU NEVER SEEN STAR WARS?!"

And he was acting like a kid being too poor to see Star Wars was some Great Injustice in the World that he just had to do something about.

And so a couple hours later he took me to see Star Wars for the first time.

Along with some smoking hot blonde chick that he was trying to impress.

Never pass up a chance to kill two birds with one stone, y'know.

And so that's how I was initiated into the Moustache Network, Star Wars, and How To Handle Blonde Women On the Side.

When Empire Strikes Back first came out, I was still too poor to go and see it, but I wasn't cute anymore, so I had to go to the library and get that book with all the pictures from the movie innit and read that.

But I do know that by the time Return of the Jedi came out, me and my little brother had gotten jobs working construction, foundation work, y'know, making basements, digging ditches and pouring concrete, working for that kind-hearted muslim inventor guy who wouldn't kill a mosquito and told me to take care of my little brother 'cause he was "precious cargo."

My little brother was seven and I was nine, but I looked older, 'cause I'm a big dumb country boy, I'm one of those kids that was six-foot three by the time I turned thirteen, so at nine I was actually taller than about half the dudes I was working construction with, including this seventeen-year-old guy who always referred to himself in Third Person as "the Lean Mean Sex Machine" and was always bragging to me about his female conquests as if I actually understood anything he was talking about.

I guess he thought I was on the same page as him 'cause I hardly ever said anything.

So me and my little brother went to the Big Fancy Movie Theatre and paid for our tickets all by ourselves, and we were so frickin' proud and happy that we had finally beat the system heh.

That's also how me and him had the money to buy a Nintendo for ourselves when it first came out.

So that's why Star Wars, Rags-to-Riches, Blonde Chicks, Computer Games, and everything else is all inter-related for me.

But it all started with an heroic gesture of kindness from the Moustache Network, who couldn't stand to see a kid walking around that Hadn't Seen Star Wars.

That's really what the Moustache Network is all about.

Well, besides flying helicopters and stuff.