Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Children of the Damned

So I went to the Aquarium yesterday with my brother's kids, who realized, during the car ride there, that they are all blonde-haired blue-eyed Village of Damned Kids, just like me and my little brother.

Kid 1: "You have blue eyes!"

Kid 2: "Just like us!"

Oh, we're not Get-Your-Freak-On Andy Warhol Blonde, we're just Dirty Trailer Park Blonde, y'know, so its not that bad, thank the frickin' gods for small favors.

Everybody else in our family, including our parents, are not blonde blue-eyed people from Outer Space, our mom, even though she was born in germany, looks almost exactly like Pocahontas and had the blackest hair you ever seen, well, before me and my little brother turned it gray heh.

And my brother's wife is not naturally blonde (she comes from a family of redheads).

And the rest of the family on my dad's side, even though they're actually mostly german and Campbell Soup Campbell scottish, couldn't look more italian if they tried.

So me and my brother always stick out like a sore thumb in all the big family pictures, and our cousins had to give us hats to cover our glowing heads when they wanted to sneak around at night ahaha.

"You wanna get us all caught? Keep that shit tucked in, goldilocks!"

Oh, aside from the hair and eyeballs, we look just like every other dude on our dad's side of the family, I mean, if you made us all the same age, we'd all look a lot like twins, so its not one of those things, even though that carbon copy shit kinda gives me the creeps in the exact opposite way, like when you see pictures of yourself selling newspapers on a streetcorner in clothes from the 1920s and find out its actually your grandfather.

"Man, the gods were really cheap with the models in this game."

Anyways, my brother's oldest one, who just turned seven years old, is already a 98 Pound Weakling, and he's starting to watch me carefully and imitate the way I move and stuff, which is pretty frickin' funny, 'cause it makes me self-conscious about my own stupid automatic primitive threat display posturing and shit.

He only does it when he thinks I can't see him doing it out of the corner of my eye, which makes it even funnier.

Well, the funniest part is the innocent face he makes when he's studying me, right before he puffs out his chest and throws his shoulders back and starts to try to strut around alongside me, its like watching a scientist try to work a puppet.

I dunno where I got that shit from, its probably something I learned on the farm to make animals get out of my way, but my mom has been making fun of the way I walk when I get pissed off with crowds and stuff since I was a little kid, so my whole family will know what yer talking about if you ask 'em about it, they're always telling me about guys in movies that are "trying to do my walk" and then laughing their asses off heh.

Well, whatever, at least little kids and movie stars think its cool ahaha.

Anyways, we get back from the Aquarium, and then this happened:

Kid 2: "I like Boba."

Kid 1: "Yah, I like Boba too."

Me: "The little kid?"

Kid 2: "No, the guy in the green armor."

Kid 1: "Yah, Boba is awesome."

Me: "Oh no you don't, you guys can't like Boba, you guys have to like Jango, I wrote this whole frickin' thing on the internet about it, so that's that. And stop reading my mind."

Kid 2: Little Anakin is Luke Skywalker's father?

Kid 1: Han shot first?


Kid 2: That's stupid that you can't drive AT-ATs in that game you play.


Sundry Chicken said...

Han shot Greedo, then tried and failed to shoot Anakin, who despite being all evil, dressed in black and shit, was way more attuned to teh myst3rious ways of teh force and such and was able to laugh off his silly attacks. Whatever happened to Boba anyways? Please don't tell me Han did it... sure it was that big sand dwelling monster who ate him for like 10,000 years, but who pushed him?

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

George Lucas pushed him in there, but I think it was the Three Stooges that made him do it.

Sundry Chicken said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sundry Chicken said...

hmmmm, they did or joseph campbell did... either way, very suspicious. very much like the emperor, never getting his hands dirty but running everything behind the scenes.