Friday, September 14, 2007


So a long time ago I stole this time machine from this old punk rock time traveller guy who had come back in time to party with me 'cause he said I was famous for something I was gonna do in the future but he didn't say what it was.

And so the first thing I did was go into the future, y'know, to see what the hell he was talking about, to see what it was I did that was so awesome and stuff.

But when I got to the future, I found a world that was totally abandoned, all the lights were out and nobody was home, the streets were empty, there weren't even any newspapers blowing down 'em all dramatic-like, I mean, the place was quiet as hell.

And at first I figured there musta been some kinda horrible disease or radiation or something, y'know?

But there weren't no signs of anything funky, aside from a lot of dust covering everything everywhere, there weren't no bodies or skeletons or anything, there weren't no cars in the streets, all the cars were parked nicely at everybody's house, and all the doors were locked, and there wasn't any signs of looting or nastiness at all, y'know?

Everything was all neat and orderly and put away in its place, it was like everybody just packed up and went on vacation or something and never came back.

Anyways it really started creeping me out, y'know, 'cause it felt like the perfect set-up for some kinda horrible shocking zombie movie or something, and I didn't wanna stick around after it started getting dark just to solve the mystery and stuff, it was just way to creepy and shit to hang around, so I started heading back to the time machine.

And I was just about to fire things up and leave when there was a knock on the window of my time machine that practically gave me a heart attack 'cause I was getting so used to all the peace and quiet and stuff.

And there, peeking in the window at me, and telling me to relax and to shut things down and come out so that he could explain everything to me, was me, or another copy of me.

So I shut everything down, and made sure the parking brake was set and everything, just like that first old punk rock Time Traveller guy had told me to do, when I got him to drink too much, and I stepped out of the time machine.

And that's when this other copy of me explained that nothing had happened in the future.


See, once time travel had been invented, everybody had decided to go back in time and live out their dumb little lives in other, more interesting, ages.

''Cause the future was boring, y'know?

I mean, just look at it.

And there wasn't even nobody to hang out and play playstation with, 'cause everybody was going back in time and hanging out in other places, like King Arthur's Court, and the Civil War estates, and the markets of Babylon, and those little shacks in the prohibition days where they played kickass banjo music and got wasted.

And nobody wanted to go to the future and learn all the new shit all by themselves, like how to work the super complicated remotes for the TVs, because that was a total pain in the ass, they had like two thousand little buttons with weird symbols and letters like AVO and EVDV all over the place.

I mean, why do that, when you could go back in time and have fun and be a genius who could predict the future and win the lotto and stuff?

So everybody was out having fun someplace in the past, and there weren't nobody left in the future.

And that's why the future was totally abandoned.

Well, besides me, and this other copy of me.

And that's when the other copy of me told me I had to use the time machine to go back in time five minutes, and talk to myself, like he was doing right now, y'know, to explain everything that he just explained to me, to the me I was now, or it woulda never happened, and I wouldn't know what I know now.

And I was all like, fuck that, man, why can't you do it.

And he was like, I just did it, just now, in case you didn't notice.

And I was like, well, then it shouldn't be too much trouble for you to just do it again, I mean, I don't think I could even remember everything he said, anyways, y'know, in order to repeat it to the next guy, 'cause I'd been drinking with that old time traveller guy before I came there.

And I couldn't see why it mattered which one of us did it, I mean, we were copies of each other that were only five minutes apart, and who the hell was gonna know if it was me or him that did it, y'know?

And he got all pissed off, and he was saying stuff like how he had to go in the past and do some other stuff that was important, like give everybody the time machine we stole, and he was all pissed at me, saying I was a lazy bastard.

Y'know, its real easy to be a dick to yourself, and that works both ways, when there's two of you.

Anyways I made him do all that shit that he wanted me to help him do heh.

And there's no way I'm going back to the future just to have some younger version of me make me do all the work, like I made him do, y'know?

Anyways, I'm feeling pretty drunk, I can't drink like I used to, I can't keep up with you kids no more, so I'm gonna take a nap, and I don't want you stealing that time machine I got parked out there while I'm passed out or anything, it's dangerous, and you could get into all sorts of trouble.

And don't listen to no time traveller guys that tell you yer gonna be famous, they're all a bunch of liars that'll say anything to get a free drink, I never got famous for jack shit.

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