The Book of Lies

The first thing the God of Liars does, when you become a Priest of the God of Liars, is make you beautiful.

'Cause the God of Liars hates how ugly everybody is.

And He definitely don't wanna be associated with no ugly people, let alone be represented by 'em.

So He makes you all young, 'cause old folks are ugly, and He gives you a sweet head of hair, and a charismatic aire, and He puts a twinkle in yer eye, and makes yer breath smell like perfume, and all that kinda shit.

Yah, He fixes you all up and changes you around, 'cause He didn't like you the way you were.

And that used to be a pretty good sales pitch for the religion to the masses, if you were a Handsome Priest of the God of Liars, and they were a bunch of old bald folks who were afraid to die and stuff.

Not that you needed a good sales pitch, y'know, 'cause the second thing the God of Liars does is make you a real honey-tongued sweet-talker, so you sound good to folks no matter what kind of stupid crap you say.

Which is pretty important to the religion, since the Book of Lies is so stupid and backwards, and you end up wondering if anything is true at all.

I mean, why would a God of Liars be tellin' ya the truth when He tells you His True Name is Mike?

He's the God of Liars, y'know?

His name is probably Steve or something.

And He probably ain't even a He!

And Steve probably didn't even write the Book of Lies, 'cause She says She did write it!

And then there's the Book of Lies itself, I mean, is it actually full of Lies?

Or no?

Wouldn't it be a better lie for the Book of Lies to be fulla stuff that was true?

See, its stuff like that that got me booted out of the Liar's Priesthood.

And the God of Liars was so pissed at me, He made me even uglier and older and even worsed at talkin' than I was before I met Him!

And so I wandered around all bummed out and confused and ugly and shit, for a bit, until I bumped into a Priest of the God of Truth, and they let me join up with their team.

Yah, that's why I ain't allowed to shave anymore and take a bath and all that, 'cause the God of Truth wants you to be the way you are, all stinky as fuck and without any frilly shit and ribbons, 'cause that's the way he made you.

That's honest, see?

And its pretty fucking hard to do the sales pitch for this religion, lemme tell ya, 'cause besides being all disgusting and dirty and ugly and bad at talking, as one of His Priests, the God of Truth don't help nobody, 'cause helping you would be robbing you of an honest experience or some fucked up shit like that.

He don't even want us to wear shoes, the Book of Truth says we're supposed to feel all the rocks He put in the roads and shit.

Yah, fuck that, man, I'm wearing shoes.

What?

Naw.

Naw, I ain't worried, I can do whatever I want, as long as I'm honest about it.

And the God of Truth don't punish you for being a liar anyways.

Naw, see, the Book of Truth says that creating punishments for shit would make folks act different than they were supposed to, and that they'd therefore be untrue to themselves and the way they were made if they acted different and stuff to avoid some kinda punishment.

Yah, well, that's all and good, and everything, but what if you were a born liar?

Then it'd be untrue of yourself to go around tellin' the truth all the time and behaving honestly and shit.

See, its the shit I'm always thinking like that that makes me worried that I'm gonna get the boot out of this religion too.

But that's okay, y'know, 'cause I never really quit working for the Liar God.

Yah, see, I was just pulling yer leg about all that Truth God shit.

There's no such thing as a God of Truth, man, c'mon, I just made all that crazy smelly Truth God shit up.

Yah, naw, see, I really did used to be beautiful and stuff, that was the truth, I'm just all fucked up and bad at talkin' and stuff now because that ain't the way I really am.

Yep, this ugly smelly old Priest of the Truth God guy costume is actually a disguise, see?

Underneath all this get-up, I'm totally smoking hot and shit.

I could talk all good if I wanted to, too, you know, but I'd lose points fer being too honest, then, y'know?

Yah, see, you should sign up with us Priests of the Liars, we're smooth as fuck, and we get all the chicks, man.