Monday, September 17, 2007

Dlunt Bamage

Maces aren't cool.

They're like the red headed stepchild of the blunt weapon world.

They have never been cool, going all the way back to the priests that were forced to use them because otherwise nobody would.

If you woulda told a priest, "hey, you don't have to use a sucky ass mace no more! From now on, you can use a sword!"

He'd say "really? OMG!"

And you'd say "no, you are a priest."

And then he'd cry.

Because really, there's only so much a guy can take of being a priest with a sucky mace, and yer pushing him over the edge.

Hammers are pretty sucky, too, but the sledge hammer ones that look like Thor's hammer, y'know, from the comics, are okay, for beefcake dudes like dwarves, mostly.

So are some of those flail things and morning stars, y'know, 'cause they're kinda like nunchucks and shit, but computer games still cant seem to do stuff like whips and chains and junk right, 'cause that's too hard, so you don't hardly ever see anything like that heh.

And staves are alright, knocking shit around with a Big Stick is always gonna be okay.

But maces?

Nah, no way, never.

Unless they look like a baseball bat, 'cause then they're alright.

But that's sorta like turning 'em into nightsticks and shit, yer getting rid of the bulbous cocknocker bits that make a mace the sucky and embarrassing thing it is, and that's cheating, y'know.

Anyways so much effort goes into foisting these damn maces on us, over all these years, forcing us to use them by adding game mechanics like stuns and classes and shit that require Mace Usage.

And it bleeds over into other weapon groups, y'know, 'cause sometimes you'll be able use other weapons at a penalty, if you choose to ignore the benefits of mace usage, just because you hate maces, like everybody does.

Y'know, so you might be a burglar that uses daggers, instead of maces, but you won't be as good as a mace burglar, or something.

And there's a lot of people that wouldn't even play a burglar, if he could only use maces, y'know?

I wouldn't heh.

So that's a huge amount of content that's just stuffed behind an impenetrable Must Use Maces Barrier.

What a waste, y'know?

Its like, your game has so much replayability, but anything that has to with maces might as well not even exist ahaha.

And I'm not sure if forcing people to use maces is worse than sorta suggesting that they use maces through game mechanic shit that allows them to use something else while punishing them for it with a penalty that makes it hard for them to get a group in the end game, they both seem sorta horrible in different ways.

Anyways its just something to think about.

Oh, and don't even try to tell me that you like maces.

That's like telling me you love being kicked in the nuts after I kick you in the nuts or some shit, y'know, you can brainwash yerself to put up with the shit that you gotta suffer on your own time, there's no need to drag me into it.

You know what's weird?

Those Captain Caveman Clubs.

What the hell part of a tree is that made out of?

Well, y'know, it looks sorta like a chicken leg, or a leg of mutton or ham, or one of those Orange Traffic Cones, made out of wood.

And we always give Cavemen and Barbarians those things, when I'll be damned if I ever saw a stick or anything that fell out of a tree that looked like that, and I grew up in the woods, y'know?

Its not a log, it ain't a branch, I dunno what its supposed to be.

But nobody says anything about it, just like we don't ever speak about how much we hate maces, and it just keeps hanging around forever, getting passed down from one generation to the next, like a fruitcake or something heh.

1 comment:

W.Churchill said...

"What the hell part of a tree is that made out of?"