Thursday, July 31, 2008


Let's start out with this:

The original stargate, with its spinning metal wheel and its jets of steam and its vault doors and weird little metal staircase, is way better than the new Miami Vice pastel-colored solid-state "electronic" stargate from Atlantis.

And I know its tough to figure out what to do with the thing, 'cause its like, a ring and everything, and the only sensible thing to do with it would be to lay it down on the ground and then jump and dump shit into it, and that wouldn't look good on TV, but it doesn't look good half-buried in the floor, either.

Man, if I had a stargate, I'd use it to get rid of trash, y'know, there'd be an "alpha site," and a "dump site" for old TVs and diapers and bags of crap and shit, the Trash Planet that you never hear about on Stargate heh.

There's got to be an alien race that uses the stargates for that, "incoming wormhole sir!," and then a couple bags of trash come tumbling out of the thing ahaha.

And you know there's tons of planets with kids that have easy access to working stargates, man, I mean, if we had access to a stargate when we were kids, we woulda been doing "prank calls" and playing ding-dong-ditch and throwing of bags of burning dog shit and our buddy's favorite hat through there at randomly-dialed super-serious alien races, I don't think they can even figure out who dialed 'em 'cause of the way wormoles work, its perfect AHAHA.

And even though I'm a sorta scottish guy, the scottish medical dude on Atlantis needs a new hairstyle.

Its almost hilariously cheesy the way each dude on Atlantis has the same hair, twisted in a different direction, so people with bad eyes can tell 'em apart or something, y'know?

Its kinda like the way they all started out with different colored lapels on their jumpsuits, like the Power Rangers or something, the boss chick had red, the science guy had blue heh.

I guess that was supposed to be something like Star Trek, where the "science guys" have blue uniforms, and the "military" guys have red, or something, but that's not how it ended up, 'cause the only people that wore the outfits were the main characters, so it ended up looking all stupid, 'cause your brain is like, "dude, does the government pay for these costumes, or is this supposed to be something that the characters choose to wear and color coordinate amongst themselves? Dude, the boss chick is a civilian. Why are they dressed like power rangers?"

And the scottish medical guy, being a less important character, got the bottom of the barrel "Friends" hairstyle, y'know, its the "oh man, we're out of hairstyles, oh wait, I got an idea!" hairstyle, 'cause all the more important dudes on the show picked the good ones and nobody else can have the same hair as them 'cause that would detract from their awesomeness or something.

Seriously, the medical guy's hair is like, combed from the back of his neck forward or something ahaha.

I wouldn't want a guy with crazy hair like that performing surgery on me, man, the dude would sew your legs on backwards and shit AHAHA.

And you know how his character sorta got killed off over and over again, the guys at the show probably think folks don't like the guy 'cause of his acting or something.


Not that I want him back in the place of the chick from Firefly, now that they finally decided to give her a little personality.

Dude, I liked her way better as the dirty-faced mechanic chick, you can't really beat a cute and loose spaceship mechanic chick who can swear in chinese for a character, its impossible.

And you know the way that all the actors always go around pretending they don't know anything about their character, like Gillian Anderson on all the Late Shows this last week, as if she had more important and serious things to think about, like her musical career.

Dude, you know she studied her character way more than any of us ever will, you know she bugged the writers about stupid detail changes and everything, that's like, her job man ahaha.

And there's something multidimensionally funny about her, a beautiful woman, famous for playing a smart character, pretending to be a dumb hot chick in real life, and... failing?

Because she's either a dumb person in real life who is too dumb to act like a dumb chick well or maybe she's into that whole thing where "if you can pretend to be one then you probably ain't one" heh.

Like, here's a beautiful woman that doesn't want people to think she's smart, for some reason, which is strange enough in the first place, and I'm not sure if she's failing or succeeding at it either ahaha.

"Oh, just think of me as a hot chick, that's good enough."

"Uhm, is this a trick?"

And why do scifi writers add all sorts of Leave It To Beaver crap to their scripts, like making pregnancy enhance the super powers of pregnant women, even though they're supposed to be super liberal scifi writers and stuff?

Pregnancy always enhances a woman's latent supernatural powers heh.

Barefoot and pregnant women are the best, that's a womans super power right there, that's all they're good for, non-pregnant women aren't as good ahaha.

"Hmm, I think the black dude needs to be an alien. Let's see how he looks with a lump of clay attached to his head."

"Maybe we should give him a visor."

"Dude, that's been done before."

"How about a unicorn horn?"

"Let's not get crazy now. Let's just spraypaint him silver or something."

"Dude I think somebody died from that in the old days."

See, its something like this, some dude from the future, making fun of this stuff, that's probably what makes all the scifi people self-conscious about the shit they do.

When I love scifi, I would never say anything bad about scifi.

What I actually think is cheesy is hollywood and actors and "real life" and shit.

And it really is the human element that I'm interested in heh.

Kinda weird that I'm the exact opposite of all these hollywood folks who seem to think that they're interested in the human element but that scifi is the cheesy thing ahaha.

Anyways all this junk is another part of the game me and Ex-b were talking about, having a Scifi show (and a bunch of other media stuff, like newspapers and magazines for AI) inside the game, sorta like Wormhole X-Treme for Stargate, y'know, 'cause this is supposed to be an eleven dimensional game and everything.

And that made me realize that its actually the behind-the-scenes dimension that's where all the comedy is, when you make fun of a scifi show, you aren't really making fun of the scifi part, you're making fun of the show part.

And that whole thing evolved from me and Ex-b talking about how weird it was, the way we're 100% serious and 100% not serious at the same time, in parallel or in quick succession (unless its a long mechanical description) in series.

I think we're both super serious and super not serious at the same time, all the time, I think comedy and scifi and everything else in the world is the same way, the guy standing guard on the castle wall has to stay frosty, but at the same time he's the dude that really needs to come up with a joke to release some of the tension, its sorta like that.

Not that I meant to suddenly get all serious on ya heh.

Okay, let's go back to the funny hair thingie ahaha.


Bonedead said...

Yes, let's.

I don't watch Stargate Atlantis but you said he was the Doctor, so I went to the official website and looked at the cast.

I didn't think it could've been Dr. Rodney McKay because he just didn't look funny enough to me.

Then I came across Dr. Carson Beckett and I knew I hit the jackpot. Man, you are so right about that guy. It isn't just his hair though, and I honestly think it is all his fault. It's like his hair and his dumb face are sculpted to point in a direction.
Look at his picture here:

He has a pointy friggin face and in order to feel better about that he likes his hair pointy too. I'm going to try and find pictures of him on the red carpet for proof!

Meh, maybe my theory is sound.
The second one isn't as bad, and if you google image search his real name, eek, watch out for his friggin naked pictures, what a fag lol.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Yah, McKay is the Doctor Smith of the show, he's the insecure science nerd and comedy relief dude, but the medical guy was his "buddy."

And maybe the medical guy was supposed to be gay, I don't remember him doing any love interest stuff, and everybody else got some.

But if that's the case, then they really screwed over the gay folks, 'cause they gave him the worst hair (dude, gay people would have the BEST hair, right?) AND THEN they killed him and then they brought him back as a clone and then they KILLED HIM OFF AGAIN ahaha.

Yah, I don't see why they can't give us our smoking hot planet of the apes chicks in bikinis who can't talk (aw hellsyah) and throw in a little something for the gay folks, like, have all the male actors be gay dudes, that'd be the enlightened way to do it, that's kinda how I see everything anyways.

Plus housewives and shit love all that gay stuff, that turns 'em on, just like we like chick-on-chick junk and stuff ahaha.

But no, they give 'em THAT guy with the crazy hair, what a rip man AHAHA.

Actually I'm just kidding, if that guy was supposed to be gay, then I think they did it in a pretty decent way, 'cause I didn't even notice AHAHAHAHA.

And I gotta admit that it really IS kinda weird how there's all this old-fashioned propaganda and bullshit in scifi, I mean, I know scifi started out like that (I love the old shit where they won't let women work the controls of the spaceship and they tell 'em not to worry their pretty little heads about it), but you'd think it'd tend to be a little more advanced than that.

I guess its sorta tied into that whole thing where if you tell me to "dream up whatever I want" then you'll always get a beer commercial with a ton hot bikini chicks in the end.

And I'll need to make the hot bikini chicks like me somehow, so that's the science fiction part right there ahaha.

Anyways, if the dude who plays Beckett reads this, I don't want him feeling bad or anything, even if he's some guy that likes to prance around naked on the internet, y'know, 'cause hey, we all got our weird little things, look at me, I'm all upset at his hair and shit AHAHA.

Bonedead said...

My favorite is how over the passed 10 years commercials have evolved to include one person of every race.

When they don't, you can tell who they are targeting, which is also funny to me.