Thursday, January 3, 2008

Space Hogs

*standing ovation*

I'm gonna make me a kickass Galactus-Class space-motorcycle by suspending a seat between two stars.

It'll be all flaming and awesome like a Power Cosmic version of the Ghostrider's Bike with sweet ass ground effects.

And don't gimme that "there's no ground in space" jazz, there's plenny of ground in space, man.

I can light up half a planet's worth of "ground in space" and turn night to day and melt ice-caps and make plants grow as I whip around the solar neighborhood on my Power Cosmic Crotch Rocket.

And talk about monster truck wheels, man, I could ride around and roll over all the little midgets who were using those stupid little fuel-efficient planets and moons for their five-billion seat Space-Unicycles and crunch their boney little cracker-asses.

Or I could just catch them pitiful losers up in the gigantic-ass gravity field of my monstrous tires and drag 'em behind me like my own personal solar system slash convoy slash entourage type thingie so I got somebody to clap for me when I do awesome stunts like solar wheelies and shit.


Well they better fucking clap, man.

It will really take a lot of strength to turn the wheel but I can ring the little cha-ching cha-ching thingie on the handlebars all I want, that's easy.

Can't hear it though 'cause its in outerspace and its like a silent movie out there, man, that really sucks, y'know, its just all creepy and quiet, somebody should fix that shit.

I'm gonna need to trick it out with synchronized dual hydrogen subwoofer star lift pumps to get my Star Tires to pulsate to a nice two-stroke beat so I can rattle everybody's windows and let out jets of solar flames as I throttle about the galaxy cruising for the daisy dukes that'd be awesome awhellyah.

Only thing that sucks is that you pretty much gotta wear a helmet y'know?

So nobody will know its me burning up the Cellestial Strip on my kickass one-man flaming binary star-system monster truck space hog, I'll just be "some guy with a helmet" tooling around, that bites.

Plus helmets fuck up yer hair and shit, gives you "helmet head."

And getting off the bike is kinda tricky too.

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