Friday, January 4, 2008

Lord of the Hillbillies

Galadriel is the daughter of the half-brother of Feanor, the Ultimate Warrior of the Elves, the guy who made the Silmarils and sailed away from that elven heaven place (Valinor) with a bunch of his brothers and kids (and his uh... half-niece Galadriel, I guess) to kick the ass of Morgoth, who was the "evil" god of the Lord of the Rings world that got banished from screwing around with the planet at the end of the First Age (the Lord of the Rings story is all about the end of the Third Age).

Galadriel and Feanor and all them were all born in that Elven Heaven place (Valinor), and not in the Middle Earth everybody knows about from the Lord of the Rings stories (which they called Aman, but y'know how Tolkien likes to give everything six names).

That's why Galadriel is so cool with the oogly woogly hypno-eyes and everythang in the movies, she's actually an elf that's older than the current formation of the continents in Middle Earth, (two times over, I think), and she was born in Elven Heaven heh.

Anyways Galadriel also happens to be Elrond's Mother-in-Law.

Yep, see, Elrond married Galadriel's daughter Celebrian, who ditched out on Elrond and sailed back to the Valinor and left Elrond to take care of their kid Arwen.

And Aragorn is Elrond's great great great great great grand nephew.

Seriously, that's why Elrond watches over the line of Isildur, those are Elrond's brother Elros's kids, Isildur and Aragorn and all them are Elrond's great great (blah blah blah) grand nephews.

And that's also why Elrond watches over the shards of Narsil and all that.

Half-elves (like Elrond) have to decide whether they want to "sail to the west" or die like a mortal and go where mortals go when mortals die, and Elrond chose the Immortal Elf Way, and his brother chose the mortal thingie, and Aragorn is a descendent of Elrond's brother, who started the Human Line of Kings, even though he was only half human.

Actually Elrond and his brother weren't just "regular" half-human and half-elven guys, though.

Elrond and his bro were descendents of Thingol (another super powered elf like Feanor) and Melien (one of them Maia Handservants of the Valar God-type thingies, a Forest Spirit that's basically the same thing that Sauron is, except not all evil and junk).

Sauron was just the butler of that Morgoth guy, and he took up the Bad Guy gig in the Second and Third Age when Morgoth got the boot at the end of the First Age.

So anyways Elrond is sorta part-elf, part-man, and part-little-god-like-Sauron-is.

And so is Aragorn, although he's a lot more human than Elrond, 'cause most of his ancestors were human.

But that weird blood is why Aragorn lived so long.

And some of the dudes of Gondor (who are a mix of Aragorn's guys and regular humans) got that three-way blood in 'em too, y'know, 'cause not everybody in the line of kings became a king and the king's sister had kids and stuff.

And I'm pretty sure Boromir and Faramir are a couple of them.

So that would mean that nobody in the Fellowship of the Ring was actually one hundred percent human heh.

And Arwen is Elrond's daughter, right?

And Aragorn is Elrond's great great great great great grand nephew.

So they're actually some kinda kissing cousins, then, ain't they?

Uh huh.

*plucks banjo*

Galadriel is actually pretty closely related to her husband Celeborn, too, in more than way, I think, and Celeborn is a kinsman of Elrond's dad, which means Elrond and his wife were related to each other on both sides of their family too, and so they're all like "I'm my own cousin, my own stepson, and my own uncle" and stuff heh.

Frickin' elves ahaha.

And the dwarves ain't no better with the inbreeding, man, they're all actually the descendents of seven little toy golems made out of clay who must've been able to reproduce homosexually for there to be more than seven of 'em heh.

I don't think inbreeding really "counts" with robots, though, y'know?

Still, this ain't as bad as Star Wars, where the three human women in the story are Luke's Grandmother, Luke's Mother, and Luke's Sister, I mean, that guy musta been hurting, man, its no wonder he had all that energy and could lift shit with his mind and stuff heh.


Sundry Chicken said...

So confuse. I was just reading The Two Towers and about Treebeard last night. That dude or plant or whatever was quoted as being the oldest thing to walk upon middle-earth. Maybe elves don't count, or maybe like that's factually correct but since there is like so many ways and nuances to namings it isn't a conflict. Not sure elves really walk either, it's more like they glide. What also gets me is Tom Bombadil... man he's freaky weird like some 60's LSD child or something trippin his way about a graveyard.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

I'm pretty sure Tom (and mebbe Goldberry too) is supposed to be one of the Valar in the Lord of the Rings (although he predates those books as a character for Tolkien's poetry for his kids or something).

He's supposed to be one of the "singers" from the beginning of time who sang and imagined Middle Earth as they sang and then built what they imagined, although I've never seen anything that said that flat out, Tolkien seems to constantly hint at that in the Lord of the Rings.

Or mebbe he's a Maia like Melien that's tarrying like the elves in Middle Earth 'cause they like the stuff they built too much to leave it behind, y'know, whatever, the subtle difference between this-and-that in imaginary-land, I'm not sure Tolkien really wanted to be nailed down about every little detail, y'know how artists like to just "muse" about things and keep their options open as much as their fans want it all spelled out and written in stone, and whatever the case, Tom's all groovy man heh.

That's all from the Elven Creationism stuff from the Silmarillion.

Treebeard could be older than the elves and everything easy, the gods used to ride around in the woods of middle earth and hunt monsters and stuff before the elves started showing up, mebbe Fangorn Woods or wherever Treebeard hung out at didn't get messed up by all the apocalypses and stuff.

The elves showed up in Middle Earth and then were summoned by the gods to Valinor a zillion years ago and a bunch of 'em went right away (so there were plenty of Elves BORN in Valinor afterwards) but a lot of 'em really dragged their asses about it heh.

I think mebbe you should stop reading them books and read through the Silmarillion first, or at least the first couple sections of it (I think its made out of some scraps of crap that Tolkien's son found in his dad's desk), that'll give you a lot of "inside knowledge" if yer actually trying to piece together the cryptic hints that Tolkien gives of his underlying mythology for the whole thing.

And the Lord of the Rings Trilogy only hints at stuff, it doesn't give you a skeleton you can apply all the clues to like the Silmarillion does.

I'm not an expert or anything but Tolkien is one of those things that I always thought was really FUN to study y'know heh.

Sundry Chicken said...

Heh, it's my 3rd time through them. There's lots of way subtle little things going on. Reading the Silmarillion would be great, but I was kinda saving it till later when I have some *real* time. Plus I'm not sure I really really should be delving deep into somebody else's fantasy world. The dwarves got all jacked up for trying that. And like my own world is crazy enough as it is. It's like GPL contamination and stuff, once you've really read it, man you can't go back... screw it though. You can never go back. Maybe I'll just start reading it and dig myself a hobbit hole in the backyard and grow me some pipeweed. Then again moving to oregon first maybe required for that and I don't think I can deal with all that rain.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Well MY trick to mental health is to just *twitch* study a lot more *twitch* than one madman, y'know?

Sundry Chicken said...

Man you gots LOTS of choices there! Madness is almost a commodity. True madness and genius, that knife edge, is a sweet little dance. I'm all about watching people dance. Then wondering if I'm listening to the same music they are. Like when you tell someone that everybody is insane and they argue that they are sane. Mwhahaha. Oh, gotta go check on that shipment of eggs from Malta... I got this raging deal on them for 4 cents an egg.

h00b0yl0llerz said...


I was pretty sure that Tom was "other." Always.