Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Elf Rules

So I'm an elf, right?

And this dwarf is all like, hey elf, go get a bucket of water and help us put this fire out!

And I'm all like, screw you, dwarf, I'm an elf, and I don't "fetch buckets" of nothing for nobody.

And I 'specially don't "fetch buckets" for no damn dirty dwarf.

I don't care what's on fire.

You fetch the goddam buckets.

Yer closer to the ground, all the "ground work" like "fetching buckets" and stuff is your bag, see?

I'll keep an eye out for enemies, that's my kinda thing, 'cause I got the altitude for it.

Or we can just stand here forever and watch this shit burn, and then we can just keep standing here forever and ever, staring at each other, waiting for a Valar Intervention or something, at least until you get old and die.

And then hopefully I'll be able to find some dwarves left in the world to let 'em know that they need to dig you a hole and bury you proper, 'cause I ain't digging no goddam holes either.

Or you can quit pretending you can out-stubborn an immortal and fetch the goddam bucket already and put this shit out.

And then we can get on with the business of saving this totally f'd up "world of the humans" and whatever-else-we're-supposed-to-be-shooting-with-my-bow.

Dude seriously if the orcs weren't actually "corrupted elves" I wouldn't even be here but I don't think its cool to just leave all the stupid humans fighting "bad elves" while I go for a sailboat ride and start lounging around in my underpants at the Big Resort and all that.

Don't you go looking at me like that or I'll tell the humans how you guys reproduce.

That's right, fetch that bucket of water, ya bushy little beyotch.

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