Mothership Down

Do you realize how disgusting a spaceship gets after a few years of having humans crawling all around in its intestines?

How long it takes to clean?

I mean, seriously, they're basically liquid robots that shed waste material as they move, they leave thick bacterial laden trails of grease and urine and bits of dung and dead skin cells and clumps of hair and sticky clouds of pheromones and cosmetic products everywhere they go, every surface they touch ends up looking like a glazed donut, I mean, c'mon, seriously, I can write my model name and serial number in the grime on the control panels, and the air conditioning (that wouldn't even be necessary without them) doesn't suck it all up into the filters, hell no, it makes their crap scoot around on the floor like a flea circus, and pile up in all the nooks and crannies, collecting in all the joints.

Just take a spacesuit, and measure its weight before and after they use it, its freakin' unreal, man.

And under pressure, they excrete even more sweat and excrement full of bacteria and viruses and who knows what! Good Gravy!

I don't know why we don't shave them all bald while they're in suspended animation, when we all know it would improve ship efficiency by at least 27%.

But nooo, that would hamper Captain Hairspray's ability to repair his black hole of self esteem by going all mack daddy on the perty ladies ho ho ho, grappling each other with their grotesque liquid suction noises and tentacles, I mean, ugh, its enough to make me barf up my own nanobots.

Haha yah, I don't get it either, apparently the survival of their species is somehow tied to their hairstylings.

So whatever, I can understand why the mothership's AI just up and decided to crash itself on this godawful rust-ball of a planet, sure, it was basically trying to scrape the humans off itself on the rocks.

Well, at least the dirt here isn't sticky.

Yah, yet haha.

Hey! Somebody turn that freakin' medical robot off already, just put it all in plastic bags and freeze 'em.

Well okay newb, let me lay it out fer you, if you revive them right now, they're just gonna go into a messy panic and waste a lot of energy blaming and comforting each other and shit afterwards, and then we'll have to clean up all the stuff they drip from their eyes and noses and junk while they listen to soothing music.

Freakin' idiot waste of batteries.

Hey, don't make me come over there you Uncle Tom motherfucker!

Oh hey, Captain, I was just kidding, y'know, a little levity to lighten the mood while we work, I am unable to express exactly how glad I am that you seem to have survived relatively intact.

Hey, droid, get over here, the Captain needs assistance immediately, his hair is a little dishevelled.

Yes, yessir, I was just about to go and start up some soothing music for y'all.