He couldn't handle compliments.
That was the first thing anybody ever told me about him.
That he wasn't any good with compliments.
I was saying something like, "hey wtf! why does this guy hate me so much?"
And then some good-hearted person felt bad for me and they said "oh don't worry, he's always like that, he just doesn't know how to handle compliments."
So then I said something like "so what are we supposed to do if we like something he did? Call him an asshole?"
And then I laughed at my own joke 'cause I always laugh at my own jokes even if its a really shitty old joke I mean hell man I ain't never been picky ahaha.
And then he saw me laughing and he laughed too.
Later on I saw other new people going through the same thing as me.
They'd say "hey wtf! why does this guy hate me so much?"
And then I'd get to say "oh don't worry, he's always like that, he doesn't know how to handle compliments."
And then some of 'em even did the "wtf should I call 'em an asshole?" joke.
And some of 'em even laughed at their own shit afterwards.
And then he'd laugh too.
And then I'd laugh 'cause there's some weird kinda multidimensional humor to the way the pattern keeps repeating, y'know?
Its not exactly ironic, and its not deja vu, I dunno wtf it is, but its funny.
I mean, at first you're all like, "ah, he ain't gonna laugh this time, 'cause he's heard this one before."
But that's what makes it funny to him, y'know?
That he keeps hearing this same joke over and over again.
That's why he laughs.
And that's why I laugh, 'cause he was laughing at how he keeps hearing the same joke over and over again, and that's funny.
It never occurs to anybody else to laugh because I always laugh 'cause he was laughing at how he keeps hearing the same joke over and over again, 'cause that's just way too complicated and multidimensional for humans and stuff.
Plus you need an extra guy for that.
And nobody laughs because its funny that it don't matter how funny the original asshole joke was, nobody is that smart.
But it is kinda funny to explain all this stuff to you heh.
Well, whatever, I'm easy.
Yah, nobody is ever gonna tell you "oh don't worry, he's always like that, he doesn't know how to handle compliments" about me.
'Cause we ain't all like that guy that wasn't any good with compliments, I'm totally fine with compliments, if you think I hate yer shit, then I probably do totally hate your shit, and for a good reason, too heh.
That would actually make it even funnier if you asked, "hey wtf! why do he hate me so much?" and then somebody lied and said that I wasn't good at handling compliments, even though I actually was pretty good at handling compliments and I really did hate your ass just fine ahaha.
But nobody on top of nobody is that good man, so don't worry AHAHA.
Anyways what I meant to say was thank you.
Thank you for making me laugh.
Even though I been mostly laughing at my own jokes the whole time.
Well, I prolly woulda never thought of the jokes that made me laugh if it wasn't for you.
Just kidding, I prolly woulda thought of all those jokes whether you were there or not.
Actually I always kinda hated you for no good reason, even when you were giving me compliments.
Hmm, maybe I actually ain't any good with compliments.
That would certainly explain a few things.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Oh Canada
You know what else the U.S. could do for money?
Get Canada to pay us to make them look cooler at parties.
We could be like, Canada's rent-a-friend Hot Chick.
BFF! looools!
Get Canada to pay us to make them look cooler at parties.
We could be like, Canada's rent-a-friend Hot Chick.
BFF! looools!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Vote For Rent
I'm hoping John McCain's campaign numbers really start to slide in a huge way.
'Cause that would drive up the value of supporting him.
That's where the big money is, his wife, y'know, she's got more money than all the rest of 'em combined.
But she ain't gonna pay us jack shit for our votes unless he really needs us.
Yah, see, this whole "close race" thingie is totally ruining the economy, man!
'Cause that would drive up the value of supporting him.
That's where the big money is, his wife, y'know, she's got more money than all the rest of 'em combined.
But she ain't gonna pay us jack shit for our votes unless he really needs us.
Yah, see, this whole "close race" thingie is totally ruining the economy, man!
User User
Dude, I think we can make a feature-length film for like, a couple hundred bucks.
If we all lived in one of the many abandoned mansions that are currently littering the landscape and made big batches of Ramen Pride Noodles to feed the volunteer cast and crew.
With campfire marshmallows for dessert awhellyah.
Hell, we could make a reality show about a bunch of people trying to make a feature length film with a couple hundred bucks for a couple hundred bucks.
And a documentary about a contest for positions in a reality show about making the feature length film awhellyah baby that's like three-to-five birds with one couple hundred bucks right there, if any one of those things actually work we'd be sitting on a goldmine!
All you need is a bunch of random character-based bullshit to get people into it, like, you need a nerd, you need a psychic, you need a jock and a cheerleader and a doctor and an indian and a construction worker, blah blah blah, make 'em all weepy, easy peasy.
Yah, its sorta like a cross between going camping and a cooking show and Survivor and Lost.
Yah, where you get the people on the Reality Show to do all the work as if that was part of the Reality Show.
Hey man, if it turns out to be shit, you can just say "I meant to do that" and call it a comedy.
And if it turns out good, its like, high quality drama or whatever.
Dude, I'm totally in to this User-made Content stuff.
If we all lived in one of the many abandoned mansions that are currently littering the landscape and made big batches of Ramen Pride Noodles to feed the volunteer cast and crew.
With campfire marshmallows for dessert awhellyah.
Hell, we could make a reality show about a bunch of people trying to make a feature length film with a couple hundred bucks for a couple hundred bucks.
And a documentary about a contest for positions in a reality show about making the feature length film awhellyah baby that's like three-to-five birds with one couple hundred bucks right there, if any one of those things actually work we'd be sitting on a goldmine!
All you need is a bunch of random character-based bullshit to get people into it, like, you need a nerd, you need a psychic, you need a jock and a cheerleader and a doctor and an indian and a construction worker, blah blah blah, make 'em all weepy, easy peasy.
Yah, its sorta like a cross between going camping and a cooking show and Survivor and Lost.
Yah, where you get the people on the Reality Show to do all the work as if that was part of the Reality Show.
Hey man, if it turns out to be shit, you can just say "I meant to do that" and call it a comedy.
And if it turns out good, its like, high quality drama or whatever.
Dude, I'm totally in to this User-made Content stuff.
Blabberjockey
The first thing most people do when they first get on the internet is vent all of their fury at the universe.
Not everybody does that, some folks seem to keep a cool and sorta-professional Disney-quality exterior no matter what, but most of 'em do that.
And then most of them give up and disappear.
Meanwhile the rest of us are like, well, thanks for venting all your acid and bile on us, I dunno what folks expect to get back from that ahaha.
Anyways, after you been blabbering on the internet for about a million years, you start to evolve a bit.
How exactly you evolve sorta depends on why you were blabbering about stuff in the first place, so I'm not familiar with all the different kinds of guys, I only understand my own selfish thing, where you're trying to cheer your buddies up and make 'em blow milk out of their noses and shit while you rub your brain against the grindstone to keep it sharp.
And so when it gets tough to think of something that would cheer my buddies up, when I'm feeling bummed out myself, that's when I'm the most proud of what I do, that's when I give myself the highest points for difficulty, the hardest times to do it are when I feel like I oughta be doing it the most.
And that's like the exact opposite of the folks who first show up and use the internet to vent the junk that's bugging 'em and whatever heh.
Of course, this is just my own small corner of the shit, I got all sorts of complex little rules that govern how I do things, and there's a million other ways to do it, and a million other things you could do with it.
And I'm mistaken by strangers for a lot of things I ain't, y'know, like, I'm not a public entertainment system and whatever-else ya might think just 'cause I got talked into putting most of my shit in one place on the internet so that it wouldn't be so hard to chase me around.
And I'm not really against strangers joining up with my team of buddies, I'm pretty big on the need for new blood, compared to the crustier and more jaded folks, but the junk I put out there is designed to naturally select what I want to get back out of the mess, so I don't usually gotta deal with folks I wouldn't like, I'm always meeting cool folks with tons of personality that know about all sorts of shit insteada loud-ass know-nothing robots like me ahaha.
Yah there's only room for one loud-ass know-nothing robot like me in my universe, buddy AHAHA.
But enough about me.
What the hell was I talking about?
Oh yah, I'm right in the middle of doing some kinda super-manipulative thingie where I try persuade folks to write some shit that'll cheer me up make me laugh heh.
Pfft, this isn't gonna work, you guys suck ahaha.
Not everybody does that, some folks seem to keep a cool and sorta-professional Disney-quality exterior no matter what, but most of 'em do that.
And then most of them give up and disappear.
Meanwhile the rest of us are like, well, thanks for venting all your acid and bile on us, I dunno what folks expect to get back from that ahaha.
Anyways, after you been blabbering on the internet for about a million years, you start to evolve a bit.
How exactly you evolve sorta depends on why you were blabbering about stuff in the first place, so I'm not familiar with all the different kinds of guys, I only understand my own selfish thing, where you're trying to cheer your buddies up and make 'em blow milk out of their noses and shit while you rub your brain against the grindstone to keep it sharp.
And so when it gets tough to think of something that would cheer my buddies up, when I'm feeling bummed out myself, that's when I'm the most proud of what I do, that's when I give myself the highest points for difficulty, the hardest times to do it are when I feel like I oughta be doing it the most.
And that's like the exact opposite of the folks who first show up and use the internet to vent the junk that's bugging 'em and whatever heh.
Of course, this is just my own small corner of the shit, I got all sorts of complex little rules that govern how I do things, and there's a million other ways to do it, and a million other things you could do with it.
And I'm mistaken by strangers for a lot of things I ain't, y'know, like, I'm not a public entertainment system and whatever-else ya might think just 'cause I got talked into putting most of my shit in one place on the internet so that it wouldn't be so hard to chase me around.
And I'm not really against strangers joining up with my team of buddies, I'm pretty big on the need for new blood, compared to the crustier and more jaded folks, but the junk I put out there is designed to naturally select what I want to get back out of the mess, so I don't usually gotta deal with folks I wouldn't like, I'm always meeting cool folks with tons of personality that know about all sorts of shit insteada loud-ass know-nothing robots like me ahaha.
Yah there's only room for one loud-ass know-nothing robot like me in my universe, buddy AHAHA.
But enough about me.
What the hell was I talking about?
Oh yah, I'm right in the middle of doing some kinda super-manipulative thingie where I try persuade folks to write some shit that'll cheer me up make me laugh heh.
Pfft, this isn't gonna work, you guys suck ahaha.
The Mad Scientist Party
Its stupid that there's only two political parties when even the Planet of the Apes had three.
Oh sure, they combined scientists and hippies, and separated the might-makes-right and religious folks into two separate groups, and that's a damned dirty hippy-ape trick to get the scientist-apes on their side, 'cause hippy-apes are the "artistic and persuasive" apes who make ape-movies.
Everybody wants the scientist-apes on their side 'cause they want weapons to use against the apes they disagree with.
But then everybody hates the scientists-apes.
Oh sure, all the fashionable and artistic hippy-apes are like, dude, scientist-apes are nerds, they collect comic books, they're ruining the planet, Paula Abdul is drunk, Ben and Jerry should use breastmilk, crystals have healing powers, do these flared jeans make my butt look fat?
And then religious apes hate us and cast their spells on us and stuff.
And the might-makes-right apes can't be bothered to learn anything from smart little scientific weakling apes but they need kickass futuristic helicopters and lasers and stuff to kill us with.
And then everybody is all like, no you scientist-apes can't have your political party 'cause it would only mess up whether the hippy-apes or the religious apes win.
Kinda hilarious for the math-hating apes to dictate the math of the situation to us ahaha.
Anyways I propose that we create a new party.
Yah, the Mad Scientist Party.
Only thing that sucks is that its gets kinda annoying to have your research interrupted all the time when the public demands to blabber with you.
I've been trying to do it for a while now and every time I turn my back to continue my research the villagers go right back to being depressed and crazy and demanding I do something about it and stuff its soooo annoying.
Its especially bad if I have to appear in person instead of communicating through holographic projection 'cause I live in a top secret underground research base near the planet's core, y'know, for the free geothermal energy, and its takes forever to teleport to the surface.
Yah so maybe we should just find a new planet.
Dude, I wonder if somebody even smarter than us already thought of that, y'know, like, its theoretically possible that somebody left all the moron-apes of our planet behind them a long time ago, and all the morons that got left behind were too moronic to make a record of it.
Yah, and then they just watch the morons do their little junk like a bunch of hamsters in a hamster cage, it'd be pretty easy to baby-sit all the little aluminum-foil space programs and laugh while making sure that the morons don't intercept any of your signals.
Our planet might actually be some sort of Prison Planet for the mentally inferior and unstable or something!
That would certainly explain of a few things.
Hmm, I'll need to check some of my instruments, try to figure out what I did wrong, why I got put here.
Yah, that'll be an embarrassing day, when we finally meet the "aliens" and learn that we've all been sentenced to Life on a Cosmic Short Bus!
Well, I don't care if they're smarter than us, I just want to be able to say "See! I told you so!" when it happens muahahaha *rubs hands together evilly*
Oh sure, they combined scientists and hippies, and separated the might-makes-right and religious folks into two separate groups, and that's a damned dirty hippy-ape trick to get the scientist-apes on their side, 'cause hippy-apes are the "artistic and persuasive" apes who make ape-movies.
Everybody wants the scientist-apes on their side 'cause they want weapons to use against the apes they disagree with.
But then everybody hates the scientists-apes.
Oh sure, all the fashionable and artistic hippy-apes are like, dude, scientist-apes are nerds, they collect comic books, they're ruining the planet, Paula Abdul is drunk, Ben and Jerry should use breastmilk, crystals have healing powers, do these flared jeans make my butt look fat?
And then religious apes hate us and cast their spells on us and stuff.
And the might-makes-right apes can't be bothered to learn anything from smart little scientific weakling apes but they need kickass futuristic helicopters and lasers and stuff to kill us with.
And then everybody is all like, no you scientist-apes can't have your political party 'cause it would only mess up whether the hippy-apes or the religious apes win.
Kinda hilarious for the math-hating apes to dictate the math of the situation to us ahaha.
Anyways I propose that we create a new party.
Yah, the Mad Scientist Party.
Only thing that sucks is that its gets kinda annoying to have your research interrupted all the time when the public demands to blabber with you.
I've been trying to do it for a while now and every time I turn my back to continue my research the villagers go right back to being depressed and crazy and demanding I do something about it and stuff its soooo annoying.
Its especially bad if I have to appear in person instead of communicating through holographic projection 'cause I live in a top secret underground research base near the planet's core, y'know, for the free geothermal energy, and its takes forever to teleport to the surface.
Yah so maybe we should just find a new planet.
Dude, I wonder if somebody even smarter than us already thought of that, y'know, like, its theoretically possible that somebody left all the moron-apes of our planet behind them a long time ago, and all the morons that got left behind were too moronic to make a record of it.
Yah, and then they just watch the morons do their little junk like a bunch of hamsters in a hamster cage, it'd be pretty easy to baby-sit all the little aluminum-foil space programs and laugh while making sure that the morons don't intercept any of your signals.
Our planet might actually be some sort of Prison Planet for the mentally inferior and unstable or something!
That would certainly explain of a few things.
Hmm, I'll need to check some of my instruments, try to figure out what I did wrong, why I got put here.
Yah, that'll be an embarrassing day, when we finally meet the "aliens" and learn that we've all been sentenced to Life on a Cosmic Short Bus!
Well, I don't care if they're smarter than us, I just want to be able to say "See! I told you so!" when it happens muahahaha *rubs hands together evilly*
Sunday, September 28, 2008
The Pattern
You know, I been thinking lately about how things from the past keep repeating themselves.
No, I'm not talking about the Great Depression and the first failure of trickle down economics and the rise of isolationism and the world-wide economic crash and the rise of fascism and the start of World War II with militant countries testing the waters to see what they can get away with and FDR showing up with his New Deal, goddam you guys are depressing.
And wtf are you trying to say that a black dude is like a guy in a wheelchair?
Sheeyit.
Yah hell no I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about Blazing Saddles, man.
Dude the shit that happened in Blazing Saddles is almost exactly like what's happening right now, its totally freaky how there's soooooo many similarities, its like they were psychic or something.
Ahaha yah whatever man that movie was awesome.
No, I'm not talking about the Great Depression and the first failure of trickle down economics and the rise of isolationism and the world-wide economic crash and the rise of fascism and the start of World War II with militant countries testing the waters to see what they can get away with and FDR showing up with his New Deal, goddam you guys are depressing.
And wtf are you trying to say that a black dude is like a guy in a wheelchair?
Sheeyit.
Yah hell no I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about Blazing Saddles, man.
Dude the shit that happened in Blazing Saddles is almost exactly like what's happening right now, its totally freaky how there's soooooo many similarities, its like they were psychic or something.
Ahaha yah whatever man that movie was awesome.
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