Sunday, June 17, 2007

Naked Chicks

So I was sick of listening to my brother's kids blabber on and on about Star Wars and Legos, and I knew I couldn't get them interested in Lord of the Rings, 'cause only old geezers who lived in the days where all our toys were made out of wood think that poemy kinda imaginary elf and wizard garbage is cool, y'know.

But since it was Father's Day, I suddenly realized that they'd never seen Stargate before.

Y'know, 'cause that's my stepdad's favorite show, he's got 'em all on DVD, even the Stargate: Atlantis ones (which I'm starting to get used to).

He's even got all the MacGyvers (oh man those are so 80s they'll burn a hole in the back of yer head, they came from an Age of Television when they didn't realize they needed to have fancy crap like plot and stuff heheh).

So I started explaining Stargate to 'em, y'know, selling them on it, telling 'em it had army guys that fought aliens in outer space with awesome spaceship fights and they even had a race of alien lego creatures (the Replicators, right?).

Yah, 'cause I was damn sick of them always bugging me about star wars and I wanted to turn them on to something new so they'd have something else to bug me about.

And my stepdad was all like "oh man this is awesome, you got these kids interested in my favorite thing!" (well, he don't talk like that, 'cause he's all wise and sophisticated and stuff, college professor and all, but whatever).

So we all sat down after the barbecue steak thingie and we watched the Pilot for Stargate.

And we got to the part where they stripped the first chick down to implant her with an alien worm, but they didn't actually show anything, 'cause they only showed her from the back, so we were like, whew, good thing their mom was in the kitchen, y'know?

I seriously don't remember any T&A and Tentacle Rape Fun in Stargate, man, that show was like all goodie-goodie and stuff the way I 'membered it.

But then we got to the part where they show Daniel Jackson's wife getting stripped down to the boobs and bush for like five minutes of full frontal wrestling with an alien worm.

Man, thanks a lot fer that, MacGyver, I thought you were all good and wholesome and stuff!

I guess I shoulda remembered that that show started out on Showtime heh.

Hopefully my brother's kids are so young that they won't be permanently damaged or anything, me and my stepdad tried to do the whole "enlightened" thing and not make a big deal about it but those village of the damned kids can read my mind, y'know, and Daniel Jackson's woman had some damn nice gear!

Anyways, thinking about that got me trying to remember the first few times I saw a naked woman on television and stuff (looking at dirty magazines somebody stole in the clubhouse that were so old that the chicks all had beehive hairdos and gogo outfits is something I file under the "scarred for life" section of my mind).

I think it'd have to be that chick from Terminator, or mebbe it was the Woman in Red with Gene Wilder (holy smokes that was a good one), but my memory is so crappy fer that junk that I'm not really sure.

Did that mess me up?

I don't think so.

At least not in a bad way.

I know my parent's let me watch the Exorcist when I was five years old, and that really messed me up for a while, man, I thought my little brother was gonna turn into that thing for weeks afterwards, y'know, the scariest thing about it was that "it could happen to anybody."

And we had bunkbeds, where I slept on the top bunk, so every time he made a weird noise while he was sleeping I thought he was going demonic and boily, spitting up split pea soup down there.

So whatever, this isn't that bad, I guess.

Still, I feel like I messed up a little.

And its all your fault, MacGyver, man, I trusted you!

"Stargate don't have nothing bad fer the kids innit, man, its got MacGyver in there for cripes sakes!"


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