I been programming a lot for moolah so I ain't had any brain energy for all this stuff lately.
Sorting and sifting through gigantic puzzles for eight hours a day makes "my boys upstairs" turn the light out early.
Plus I'm getting old y'know so all I wanna do when I get home from work is watch some Matlock or whatever and go to bed.
Which reminds me of the way my grampa called the stuff he liked to watch on TV his "programs."
Like, "I want to watch my programs."
The only thing he ever liked to watch on TV was Wrestling and the Three Stooges and kung fu movies, y'know, those were his programs, he was a World War II hero and a CIA guy and he could dance the jitterbug so he wasn't keen on subtleties and wispy bits of fluff and intrigue produced by folks who imagined more than they had ever seen and stuff ahaha.
Anyways its kinda weird that he called the TV shows he liked his "programs."
Like he's loading entertainment programming into his head or something.
Just like its kinda weird that they call that thing they hand you at the opera or school kid's musical events a Program.
Any word with "gram" used that way in it is kinda new and futuristic, y'know?
Like, its weird to think of opera-writers as guys who are programming the opera house or creating programming for the opera house or something, but apparently that's what at least one of 'em thought they were doing, y'know, a long time ago before there were any computers.
So whatever, I spend all day swimming around in real programs, and then when I get home I just wanna get away from programming, so I go home and load myself up with some entertainment programming that helps me get my mind off of my hard day of work programming.
Jeeze looeeze I shoulda been a lumberjack with a pet monkey or something.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
American Masterpiece Mystery Theatre
"You ever hear that thing about how Lesbians drive Subarus?"
"What?"
"This thing about Lesbians driving Subarus. Like, Subarus are s'posed to be the Car of Choice for Lesbians. Some demographic percentage thingie, like, forty percent of Lesbians drive Subarus for some reason."
"No, I ain't heard that."
"Do you s'pose Lesbians know more about cars than heterosexual folks?"
"Hmm, probably."
"Anyways I dunno where I heard it. I dunno if it was from a Pro-Lesbian place or an Anti-Lesbian place. I suppose that Subaru wants Lesbians to buy their cars, but they don't wanna let anybody who doesn't like Lesbians to know that they want Lesbians to buy their cars, 'cause they want Non-Lesbians to buy their cars too, without having to feel like a Lesbian, or something, so they prolly play both sides of the fence. But was the Lesbian-Subaru Connection Rumor leaked by Subaru, as some sorta grassroots viral advertising campaign, or was it leaked by an Anti-Lesbian person working for one of Subaru's competitors, or what?"
"Seems kinda expensive to have to buy a Subaru to be a Lesbian."
"What's the cheapest sexual orientation anyways?"
"Haha yah I'm gonna switch to that."
"It does tend to make a Lesbian who drives a Ford seem kinda punk rock and cool though. Y'know, 'cause who-the-hell would want to be a run-of-the-mill hum-drum go-with-the-crowd sheep-Lesbian."
"Yah."
"I do know why I remembered that weird thing about Lesbians and Subarus, though."
"Yah?"
"Yah. My aunt drove a Subaru. She wasn't a real aunt, she was a friend-of-the-family-aunt. Made me wonder if she was a Lesbian, though, on the side, when I heard that Subaru Lesbian thingie. If she was a Lesbian, she was definitely a Lipstick Lesbian. There's three kinds of super feminine folks, and she was the Pretty Sexual kind, not the Mother Nature or Hospice Nurse kind. Anyways that's why I remember it."
"Hey, you guys solve that murder yet?"
"No."
"What the hell do you think this is, a cop show where they solve a murder every hour?"
"Dude, murders are hard to solve."
"Nobody ever confesses like they do on TV. You never know if you got it right."
"Yah, this isn't Star Trek, man. We can't just Reverse the Polarity and wrap the shit up in the last five minutes. We're still working the kinks out of some of these Subaru-Lesbian Mysteries."
"Any progress on that?"
"Yep, nope, haven't seemed to hit bottom on that rabbit hole yet."
"I did remember why I remembered it, though."
"Haha yah, his aunt might be a Lesbian, on the side."
"On the side, huh? That'd make her a Bisexual, then, actually."
"Oh man, I didn't even think of that."
"That certainly throws a new twist into the whole Subaru-Lesbian Conspiracy."
"Yah, the plot thickens."
"And that's why he gets paid the Big Bucks."
"Haha yah."
"What?"
"This thing about Lesbians driving Subarus. Like, Subarus are s'posed to be the Car of Choice for Lesbians. Some demographic percentage thingie, like, forty percent of Lesbians drive Subarus for some reason."
"No, I ain't heard that."
"Do you s'pose Lesbians know more about cars than heterosexual folks?"
"Hmm, probably."
"Anyways I dunno where I heard it. I dunno if it was from a Pro-Lesbian place or an Anti-Lesbian place. I suppose that Subaru wants Lesbians to buy their cars, but they don't wanna let anybody who doesn't like Lesbians to know that they want Lesbians to buy their cars, 'cause they want Non-Lesbians to buy their cars too, without having to feel like a Lesbian, or something, so they prolly play both sides of the fence. But was the Lesbian-Subaru Connection Rumor leaked by Subaru, as some sorta grassroots viral advertising campaign, or was it leaked by an Anti-Lesbian person working for one of Subaru's competitors, or what?"
"Seems kinda expensive to have to buy a Subaru to be a Lesbian."
"What's the cheapest sexual orientation anyways?"
"Haha yah I'm gonna switch to that."
"It does tend to make a Lesbian who drives a Ford seem kinda punk rock and cool though. Y'know, 'cause who-the-hell would want to be a run-of-the-mill hum-drum go-with-the-crowd sheep-Lesbian."
"Yah."
"I do know why I remembered that weird thing about Lesbians and Subarus, though."
"Yah?"
"Yah. My aunt drove a Subaru. She wasn't a real aunt, she was a friend-of-the-family-aunt. Made me wonder if she was a Lesbian, though, on the side, when I heard that Subaru Lesbian thingie. If she was a Lesbian, she was definitely a Lipstick Lesbian. There's three kinds of super feminine folks, and she was the Pretty Sexual kind, not the Mother Nature or Hospice Nurse kind. Anyways that's why I remember it."
"Hey, you guys solve that murder yet?"
"No."
"What the hell do you think this is, a cop show where they solve a murder every hour?"
"Dude, murders are hard to solve."
"Nobody ever confesses like they do on TV. You never know if you got it right."
"Yah, this isn't Star Trek, man. We can't just Reverse the Polarity and wrap the shit up in the last five minutes. We're still working the kinks out of some of these Subaru-Lesbian Mysteries."
"Any progress on that?"
"Yep, nope, haven't seemed to hit bottom on that rabbit hole yet."
"I did remember why I remembered it, though."
"Haha yah, his aunt might be a Lesbian, on the side."
"On the side, huh? That'd make her a Bisexual, then, actually."
"Oh man, I didn't even think of that."
"That certainly throws a new twist into the whole Subaru-Lesbian Conspiracy."
"Yah, the plot thickens."
"And that's why he gets paid the Big Bucks."
"Haha yah."
Blue Light Operator
Oh man, you know what another bad job is?
Being the guy that operates that blue light that detects bacteria and body fluids.
That's gotta be way the hell worse than being a dude that works at fast food place or a slaughterhouse or whatever, 'cause you know you're gonna bring that shit home with you.
As if computer guys didn't wash their hands enough y'know ahaha sheesh.
Being the guy that operates that blue light that detects bacteria and body fluids.
That's gotta be way the hell worse than being a dude that works at fast food place or a slaughterhouse or whatever, 'cause you know you're gonna bring that shit home with you.
As if computer guys didn't wash their hands enough y'know ahaha sheesh.
Poser Science
Man, the Ig Nobels were a total dud this year.
Yah, guess all the mad scientists are trying to go mainstream and produce crap for the masses now or something.
Its like the Arena Rock Achy Breaky Heart Country Music of Punk Rock Science now, man, what a shame.
Used to be stuff like how different kinds of toads taste when you lick 'em and junk, man, those were the good old days, before the band sold out and started to suck.
Well, okay, the Plants Have Dignity thing was pretty awesome heh.
And the French one with the Fleas on Dogs jumping higher than Fleas on Cats, that's pretty good.
I mean, how the hell could you use that bit of information for anything ahaha.
But the other ones are actually kinda useful and stuff, y'know?
Yah, guess all the mad scientists are trying to go mainstream and produce crap for the masses now or something.
Its like the Arena Rock Achy Breaky Heart Country Music of Punk Rock Science now, man, what a shame.
Used to be stuff like how different kinds of toads taste when you lick 'em and junk, man, those were the good old days, before the band sold out and started to suck.
Well, okay, the Plants Have Dignity thing was pretty awesome heh.
And the French one with the Fleas on Dogs jumping higher than Fleas on Cats, that's pretty good.
I mean, how the hell could you use that bit of information for anything ahaha.
But the other ones are actually kinda useful and stuff, y'know?
So You Wanna Be a Game Designer
So you wanna be a Game Designer, huh?
Well, the first thing you need to do is forget all that crap about making games and listen to me.
Yah, if you really wanna be a game designer, you should forget all about games, and go into Advertising, instead.
Yah man, Advertising is basically movie-making for folks with super short attention spans, right?
I mean, wtf could be better than sitting around with a bunch of dopes and thinking up dumb little movies that'll catch folks off guard?
Why in the nine hells would you even wanna monkey around with a bunch of miserable underpaid nerds on four years of math problems to create some humongously outdated piece of crap that nobody but a masochist like you would enjoy anyways?
When you could be using a fraction of that time and energy creating ten zillion million-dollar thirty-second gags and come out looking like a cool guy surrounded by swimsuit models?
And look at some of these commercials out there, man, they're just terrible.
And I don't mean Eagle Man terrible in a good way, either, I'm talking about Pictures of Guys In Their Underpants in the Newspaper terrible.
"Hey, now this is a nice little number!"
"Can I have the ones off the model?"
"Oh man they're still warm!"
Its like, oh gawd, here we go again with the split screen and the two kinds of deodorant leaving streaks, or the napkins sucking it up, they're pouring some blue stuff on a maxipad, here's some cheerful music and an over-medicated looking mom making paper-bag lunches, a still picture of a vacuum cleaner and a corporate symbol and some smiling guy in a refrigerator repairman suit, another spritzing can of sweaty pop, a beer and a palm tree on a beach, a chewing gum commercial on a beach (talk about the worst combo ever, sand and gum, awhellyah, crunch-crunch-crunch, that's the mental association you wanna shoot for ahaha), a chick in a white dress floating across a field of golden grass near the sea while a voice-over does the ten million side-effect warnings in a soothing voice, man, those're just brilliant.
I sit there and think, "man, how can anybody think up anything this terrible? Its almost impossible to make anything lamer than that if you were trying to do it on purpose, y'know? I mean, if you knew how to do something that boring on purpose, you could go around using your super boring powers to turn people's brains off and temporarily turn them into zombies, you could use that Friendly Maytag Repairman and Choosy Moms Choose Jif Peanut Butter garbage to make people blank out completely or at least turn away from you so you could rob banks while they weren't looking or something!"
And then you got all the good ones, y'know, and man, I wish some of those guys made feature length films, like that Geico thing, with the Cavemen (not that stupid-ass lizard one, goddam), even though some of those suck, or the ones with the Snickers guys in the costumes, I mean, seriously, that would beat the living shit out of any of the ten million SNL-guy and "coming of age" generic comedy formula movies.
Not that I think you oughta try to do good commercials, y'know, I think its better to not have to try so hard and just make tons of the crappy ones with the split-screen deodorant trials and stuff.
Plus you won't piss the other advertising guys off by raising the bar or anything, everybody can make their money and get the hell out of there for the weekend, easy peasy.
And that's what you should really do, if you wanna be a Game Designer, you should wanna be something else, instead, besides that, basically, anything but that.
Now, if you've accidentally become a Game Designer, then that's a whole different problem, you couldn't help it, you were forced to wear weird costumes and locked up in a basement or whatever, its not your fault.
Well, the first thing you need to do is forget all that crap about making games and listen to me.
Yah, if you really wanna be a game designer, you should forget all about games, and go into Advertising, instead.
Yah man, Advertising is basically movie-making for folks with super short attention spans, right?
I mean, wtf could be better than sitting around with a bunch of dopes and thinking up dumb little movies that'll catch folks off guard?
Why in the nine hells would you even wanna monkey around with a bunch of miserable underpaid nerds on four years of math problems to create some humongously outdated piece of crap that nobody but a masochist like you would enjoy anyways?
When you could be using a fraction of that time and energy creating ten zillion million-dollar thirty-second gags and come out looking like a cool guy surrounded by swimsuit models?
And look at some of these commercials out there, man, they're just terrible.
And I don't mean Eagle Man terrible in a good way, either, I'm talking about Pictures of Guys In Their Underpants in the Newspaper terrible.
"Hey, now this is a nice little number!"
"Can I have the ones off the model?"
"Oh man they're still warm!"
Its like, oh gawd, here we go again with the split screen and the two kinds of deodorant leaving streaks, or the napkins sucking it up, they're pouring some blue stuff on a maxipad, here's some cheerful music and an over-medicated looking mom making paper-bag lunches, a still picture of a vacuum cleaner and a corporate symbol and some smiling guy in a refrigerator repairman suit, another spritzing can of sweaty pop, a beer and a palm tree on a beach, a chewing gum commercial on a beach (talk about the worst combo ever, sand and gum, awhellyah, crunch-crunch-crunch, that's the mental association you wanna shoot for ahaha), a chick in a white dress floating across a field of golden grass near the sea while a voice-over does the ten million side-effect warnings in a soothing voice, man, those're just brilliant.
I sit there and think, "man, how can anybody think up anything this terrible? Its almost impossible to make anything lamer than that if you were trying to do it on purpose, y'know? I mean, if you knew how to do something that boring on purpose, you could go around using your super boring powers to turn people's brains off and temporarily turn them into zombies, you could use that Friendly Maytag Repairman and Choosy Moms Choose Jif Peanut Butter garbage to make people blank out completely or at least turn away from you so you could rob banks while they weren't looking or something!"
And then you got all the good ones, y'know, and man, I wish some of those guys made feature length films, like that Geico thing, with the Cavemen (not that stupid-ass lizard one, goddam), even though some of those suck, or the ones with the Snickers guys in the costumes, I mean, seriously, that would beat the living shit out of any of the ten million SNL-guy and "coming of age" generic comedy formula movies.
Not that I think you oughta try to do good commercials, y'know, I think its better to not have to try so hard and just make tons of the crappy ones with the split-screen deodorant trials and stuff.
Plus you won't piss the other advertising guys off by raising the bar or anything, everybody can make their money and get the hell out of there for the weekend, easy peasy.
And that's what you should really do, if you wanna be a Game Designer, you should wanna be something else, instead, besides that, basically, anything but that.
Now, if you've accidentally become a Game Designer, then that's a whole different problem, you couldn't help it, you were forced to wear weird costumes and locked up in a basement or whatever, its not your fault.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Samwisdom
There are meals that smell so good when you are cooking 'em, meals that take so long to make, that a chef, stuck in close proximity to the cooking dish for most of the day, can't help but get sick of being teased and tortured by it before they can finish cooking it.
The chef becomes completely saturated with the meal's never-ending assault of temptations, wave after wave after wave of flavor and empty promises, hammering against their doors, and wants only to get away from it when they're done.
But two chefs can takes turns preparing the same malevolently delicious chef-withering dish on different nights, and trade the cooking of the dish back and forth, so that they can both enjoy it as an undamaged member of the dinner-table audience, without being subjected to the appetite-destroying standing-in-front-of-a-roaring-blast-furnace-of-intense-sensory-information-all-day preparations that are required to bring the dish to life.
If it wasn't for that trick, we'd have lost a lot of recipes that were too great for a single chef to handle, y'know?
And there might have been some dishes that were too great for even two chefs to handle out there.
Mmm I'm getting hungry.
The chef becomes completely saturated with the meal's never-ending assault of temptations, wave after wave after wave of flavor and empty promises, hammering against their doors, and wants only to get away from it when they're done.
But two chefs can takes turns preparing the same malevolently delicious chef-withering dish on different nights, and trade the cooking of the dish back and forth, so that they can both enjoy it as an undamaged member of the dinner-table audience, without being subjected to the appetite-destroying standing-in-front-of-a-roaring-blast-furnace-of-intense-sensory-information-all-day preparations that are required to bring the dish to life.
If it wasn't for that trick, we'd have lost a lot of recipes that were too great for a single chef to handle, y'know?
And there might have been some dishes that were too great for even two chefs to handle out there.
Mmm I'm getting hungry.
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