Instead of looking for a job, you should be starting your own company.
And then you should hire me.
Ahaha no seriously man I'm not good at anything except leeching off people but I am honest and stuff and oh man I hate it when somebody else comes along and starts to leech off the guy I'm leeching off of y'know so I can protect you from that ahaha.
Yah you should make a company, and then we can get a boat and go around the ocean visiting all those weird-ass rich guys that own their own islands and stuff until we find a good one.
If we bring a camera along we can make a reality TV show out of it, Weird-Ass Rich Guys That Own Their Own Island's Got Talent or something.
Well, whatever, its something to think about.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Serious Political Opinion
People probably wonder what I am politically.
I'm not anything.
I'm pretty liberal if we're talking about sex and shit like that.
But I support the right for folks to be different, so I'm not against conservatives, 'cause that's just one of the ways you can be different, imho.
A republican is just a kind of democrat to a guy like me.
I'm not against anything that rewards folks for innovation and stuff but I don't think that we need to reward people for preying on each other to do that, so take what you will from that.
I think the most important thing about America is the way that we're made up of the greatest adventurers from all over the world, that there's some place on this planet that folks can run to when they're being persecuted, some place that appreciates and welcomes 'em based on the fact that we're all exactly the same kinda strange adventurers as them, a place that appreciates anything anybody is willing to bring to the table and share as far as the wisdom and beauty and comedy of their culture and traditions and ancestors goes.
'Cause that's why I got Egg Rolls and Tamales to eat insteada Haggis, thank the gods.
And that's how we got Isaac Asimov (thank you Soviet Union), and Enrico Fermi (thank you Mussolini), Groucho Marx, all 47 flavors of beautiful women, and everything else.
That's how I got the wisdom of teachers from all over the world (including the Native Americans, who came across the Ice Bridge a zillion years ago).
And that's how we got Amish Hobbits and plastic dudes from the 80s living together in peace and harmony.
Hell, even Bon Jovi is still allowed to be popular in some places *stares at Rockford*
And I wouldn't want to go back to the places my genetics crawled away from and live in some town where every dude looked like me, that'd totally freak me out, man, I dunno how those people can do that, I'd go crazy, that's like something out of a scary movie man ahaha.
And I understand that you need to let folks keep some dignity, even though I ain't any good at it heh.
And some of the dudes in the countries we came from are all wise and stuff, too wise to be adventurers like us, the adventurer lifestyle ain't for everybody.
Oh and I'm not a big fan of monarchies that you don't get to vote for.
That's about all I got for serious political opinion, really.
So am I still free to go?
Or have you guys changed that.
I'm not anything.
I'm pretty liberal if we're talking about sex and shit like that.
But I support the right for folks to be different, so I'm not against conservatives, 'cause that's just one of the ways you can be different, imho.
A republican is just a kind of democrat to a guy like me.
I'm not against anything that rewards folks for innovation and stuff but I don't think that we need to reward people for preying on each other to do that, so take what you will from that.
I think the most important thing about America is the way that we're made up of the greatest adventurers from all over the world, that there's some place on this planet that folks can run to when they're being persecuted, some place that appreciates and welcomes 'em based on the fact that we're all exactly the same kinda strange adventurers as them, a place that appreciates anything anybody is willing to bring to the table and share as far as the wisdom and beauty and comedy of their culture and traditions and ancestors goes.
'Cause that's why I got Egg Rolls and Tamales to eat insteada Haggis, thank the gods.
And that's how we got Isaac Asimov (thank you Soviet Union), and Enrico Fermi (thank you Mussolini), Groucho Marx, all 47 flavors of beautiful women, and everything else.
That's how I got the wisdom of teachers from all over the world (including the Native Americans, who came across the Ice Bridge a zillion years ago).
And that's how we got Amish Hobbits and plastic dudes from the 80s living together in peace and harmony.
Hell, even Bon Jovi is still allowed to be popular in some places *stares at Rockford*
And I wouldn't want to go back to the places my genetics crawled away from and live in some town where every dude looked like me, that'd totally freak me out, man, I dunno how those people can do that, I'd go crazy, that's like something out of a scary movie man ahaha.
And I understand that you need to let folks keep some dignity, even though I ain't any good at it heh.
And some of the dudes in the countries we came from are all wise and stuff, too wise to be adventurers like us, the adventurer lifestyle ain't for everybody.
Oh and I'm not a big fan of monarchies that you don't get to vote for.
That's about all I got for serious political opinion, really.
So am I still free to go?
Or have you guys changed that.
Eat the Rich
The rich people need our help.
Oh sure, you're unemployed, the house you are paying for is worth half of what you still owe on it, your town is flooded with toxic waste, you can't leave because gas is so expensive, food prices are soaring and malnutrition is rampant, all the money you put toward your retirement got spent by somebody on coke and hookers, you don't have any health care, your educational system sucks, your kids are under constant surveillance, you're at war with ten or more countries that you probably couldn't even find on a map, there's terrorists everywhere, and the earth is melting.
But even with all that, we haven't been heartless and selfish toward the rich, we've provided the rich with all sorts of loopholes over the years, we've provided them with the time and materials to hire lobbyists and bribe officials with extravagant parties and gifts, and we don't even think to ask 'em for as little as a thank you.
But the loopholes we provided for them aren't enough, and our political system has failed, the politicians they hired turned out to be idiots, and now there's nothing left in your retirement fund to steal!
You don't understand the seriousness of the problem, rich people don't know how to take care of themselves, y'know, you may be comfortable living an post-apocalyptic wasteland where civilization is a thing of the past and rats are good eating, 'cause you're all resourceful and adventurous and stuff.
But these people need to solve all of their problems with money, and they're completely unequipped to deal with the vulgar details of day to day living that you peasants find so enjoyable.
So for only three hundred and fifty dollars a day, slightly less than it costs to fill up your tank with gas, you could adopt a rich person.
And let your show of heartfelt support give these poor unfortunate souls who are medically incapable of considering anything but their own self-interests the chance they need to get back on their feet and go dormant while you figure everything out and fix everything so we can all start cannibalizing your future again together.
Don't let their parents be the last to do it, that'd be like, totally unfair.
Oh sure, you're unemployed, the house you are paying for is worth half of what you still owe on it, your town is flooded with toxic waste, you can't leave because gas is so expensive, food prices are soaring and malnutrition is rampant, all the money you put toward your retirement got spent by somebody on coke and hookers, you don't have any health care, your educational system sucks, your kids are under constant surveillance, you're at war with ten or more countries that you probably couldn't even find on a map, there's terrorists everywhere, and the earth is melting.
But even with all that, we haven't been heartless and selfish toward the rich, we've provided the rich with all sorts of loopholes over the years, we've provided them with the time and materials to hire lobbyists and bribe officials with extravagant parties and gifts, and we don't even think to ask 'em for as little as a thank you.
But the loopholes we provided for them aren't enough, and our political system has failed, the politicians they hired turned out to be idiots, and now there's nothing left in your retirement fund to steal!
You don't understand the seriousness of the problem, rich people don't know how to take care of themselves, y'know, you may be comfortable living an post-apocalyptic wasteland where civilization is a thing of the past and rats are good eating, 'cause you're all resourceful and adventurous and stuff.
But these people need to solve all of their problems with money, and they're completely unequipped to deal with the vulgar details of day to day living that you peasants find so enjoyable.
So for only three hundred and fifty dollars a day, slightly less than it costs to fill up your tank with gas, you could adopt a rich person.
And let your show of heartfelt support give these poor unfortunate souls who are medically incapable of considering anything but their own self-interests the chance they need to get back on their feet and go dormant while you figure everything out and fix everything so we can all start cannibalizing your future again together.
Don't let their parents be the last to do it, that'd be like, totally unfair.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Parallel Universe 42's Got Talent
Man I just watched the debate and there's these two dudes standing there making lists of all the countries that they're going to attack as president and its like they picked every single country EXCEPT France wtf obviously neither of these guys wants my vote!
I'm not even from this stupid-ass parallel universe y'know in my parallel universe President Mondale united the entire world around our mutual hatred for France and then we figured out Time Travel and now Afghanistan's Got Talent is a popular TV show so I dunno wtf is gonna happen over here but seriously you guys need to start thinking this shit through a little better!
It'd be a shame and like totally bad for my career as a Time Lord if the only parallel universe where Conan was elected to public office self-destructed before we got a chance to see what kinda crazy-ass shit you freaks did next!
I'm not even from this stupid-ass parallel universe y'know in my parallel universe President Mondale united the entire world around our mutual hatred for France and then we figured out Time Travel and now Afghanistan's Got Talent is a popular TV show so I dunno wtf is gonna happen over here but seriously you guys need to start thinking this shit through a little better!
It'd be a shame and like totally bad for my career as a Time Lord if the only parallel universe where Conan was elected to public office self-destructed before we got a chance to see what kinda crazy-ass shit you freaks did next!
That's Life
I don't think France has ever made me laugh.
Well, not on purpose, anyways, heh heh heh.
And I think Indiana could probably take France in a fight.
But I'm not totally anti-uh-francotronic or whatever it is you are when you don't like France.
I know all about "Lafayette! We are here!"
And I knew a bunch of other shit about France that I can't remember, too.
And I went out with a totally cute French chick once.
So I know everything there is to know about that, I explored the French Culture extensively *nudge nudge wink wink* knowwhutImean heh.
I even took two years of French in high school, but as fate would have it, I sat next to a hot spanish chick, so I learned more Spanish than French ahaha.
Well, whatever, I don't mean to pick on France all the time, its not like I really hate the place or anything, even though their food is gross and I can't really think of anything else I like about the place besides their women AHAHA.
Yah I hate art so you ain't gonna get me on any of that shit that Jim Morrison fell for ahaha.
Oh I'm just kidding, only place I really hate is Canada, but I can't even hate them 'cause they invented Insulin, the bastards.
Seriously, who else can we make fun of, if we can't make fun of France?
Its like they're the last guy out in musical chairs or something, the process of elimination burns everybody else up for one reason or another, y'know, s'like, there's a ton of places that ain't psychologically healthy enough to handle a bunch of stupid-ass jokes, so that rules them out, and all the places that can take a joke have great senses of humor and that sorta ruins the whole fun of picking on 'em!
Yah, France, France is awesome, man, what's that one song they got, Psycho Killer, yah, see, now that shit is awesome, Psycho Killer! Qu'est-ce que c'est! fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fahaha *does the robot*
Well, not on purpose, anyways, heh heh heh.
And I think Indiana could probably take France in a fight.
But I'm not totally anti-uh-francotronic or whatever it is you are when you don't like France.
I know all about "Lafayette! We are here!"
And I knew a bunch of other shit about France that I can't remember, too.
And I went out with a totally cute French chick once.
So I know everything there is to know about that, I explored the French Culture extensively *nudge nudge wink wink* knowwhutImean heh.
I even took two years of French in high school, but as fate would have it, I sat next to a hot spanish chick, so I learned more Spanish than French ahaha.
Well, whatever, I don't mean to pick on France all the time, its not like I really hate the place or anything, even though their food is gross and I can't really think of anything else I like about the place besides their women AHAHA.
Yah I hate art so you ain't gonna get me on any of that shit that Jim Morrison fell for ahaha.
Oh I'm just kidding, only place I really hate is Canada, but I can't even hate them 'cause they invented Insulin, the bastards.
Seriously, who else can we make fun of, if we can't make fun of France?
Its like they're the last guy out in musical chairs or something, the process of elimination burns everybody else up for one reason or another, y'know, s'like, there's a ton of places that ain't psychologically healthy enough to handle a bunch of stupid-ass jokes, so that rules them out, and all the places that can take a joke have great senses of humor and that sorta ruins the whole fun of picking on 'em!
Yah, France, France is awesome, man, what's that one song they got, Psycho Killer, yah, see, now that shit is awesome, Psycho Killer! Qu'est-ce que c'est! fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fahaha *does the robot*
Fawlty Wiring
I am so jealous of the Monty Python guys.
A comedy team funded by Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd.
Like, those are your bosses, that's who you have to please, that's who you are supposed to be entertaining when they get off duty, holy shit.
And you get to work with all these other dudes who are totally hilarious.
Y'know, like, could it get any better?
And its not like Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd were the least creative bands that ever lived or anything, either, y'know, you're getting up there into that Jim Henson level of creativity, man, without the Ewoks Ruined the Trilogy crap where you gotta do stuff for kids heh.
Of course, now that we can download everything off the internet and there's no money in music, the only musicians who are making any money are the ones that are grinding out garbage for all the computer-illiterate folks who still have to go to the stores to buy things, and those guys are a bunch of bland pap-producing idiots, so us intellectual know-it-all folks have sorta totally screwed ourselves in the ass there man ahaha.
Y'know, its like, who wants to be the comedy team produced by Britney Spears?
Wtf kinda sad-ass Bob Saget shit would be involved in making folks like that laugh?
Its like our intelligence and cunning has somehow turned around on us and thrown us under the Ewoks Were Awesome Bus or something.
A comedy team funded by Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd.
Like, those are your bosses, that's who you have to please, that's who you are supposed to be entertaining when they get off duty, holy shit.
And you get to work with all these other dudes who are totally hilarious.
Y'know, like, could it get any better?
And its not like Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd were the least creative bands that ever lived or anything, either, y'know, you're getting up there into that Jim Henson level of creativity, man, without the Ewoks Ruined the Trilogy crap where you gotta do stuff for kids heh.
Of course, now that we can download everything off the internet and there's no money in music, the only musicians who are making any money are the ones that are grinding out garbage for all the computer-illiterate folks who still have to go to the stores to buy things, and those guys are a bunch of bland pap-producing idiots, so us intellectual know-it-all folks have sorta totally screwed ourselves in the ass there man ahaha.
Y'know, its like, who wants to be the comedy team produced by Britney Spears?
Wtf kinda sad-ass Bob Saget shit would be involved in making folks like that laugh?
Its like our intelligence and cunning has somehow turned around on us and thrown us under the Ewoks Were Awesome Bus or something.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Oogly Woogly Hypno-Eyes
Y'know, when chicks try to protect themselves from my witchcraft, I know they're just playing hard to get.
Dude, could this chick get any hotter?
Dude, could this chick get any hotter?
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