Dee dee dum dee dee dee dum dee...
Dee dum dee dee dee dum dee...
...if I only had a brain. I'd...
Dum dee dee dum dee dee...
Dee dum dee dee dee dum dee dee...
...if I only had a braaain.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Got My Eyes On YOU, Pal
There's this thing lately with people telling us that the "world is watching us as Americans to see what we'll do" or something.
I don't like it.
Dude, nobody is watching me.
And there's definitely nobody watching all the crazy hillbillies in the woods, that's why we're afraid to go in there.
And even if there was somebody watching me, they oughta be watching those crazy hillbillies in the woods so that we won't have to be afraid to go in there no more.
Dude, I bet the rest of the world is just trying to goad us into watching them back with that "we're watching you" stuff.
Well, you know how they're always getting all mad at us for not paying any attention to them and being ignorant of where they are located on maps and shit!
Watching them, watching us, watching them, yah man, that'd be a huge waste of time, that's why the rest of world ain't doing anything worth watching, they're too busy watching everybody else, if we fell fer that, then nobody would be doing anything worth watching, it'd be like a French Apocalypse of Nothing Happening or something, what with everybody sitting there, sipping coffee, watching each other watch each other!
Plus watching people is just snoopy and creepy and disrespectful.
That's why I'm proud to maintain my ignorance in all these matters, I consider it my patriotic and sacred duty as an American to conform to the highest standards of excellence in ignorance, I'm not willing to sink to everybody's elses dishonorable level, snooping on each other and invading each other's privacy and treating everybody like shit and rumor mongering and filling the world with jealousy and hate, no matter what it may cost me in Geography-related points on Gameshows, somebody has to maintain some integrity around here and quit cannibalizing the less fortunate in a never-ending illustration of our personal superiority while we smoke cigarettes and try to get laid!
Or whatever, y'know, what do I care, really ahaha.
I don't like it.
Dude, nobody is watching me.
And there's definitely nobody watching all the crazy hillbillies in the woods, that's why we're afraid to go in there.
And even if there was somebody watching me, they oughta be watching those crazy hillbillies in the woods so that we won't have to be afraid to go in there no more.
Dude, I bet the rest of the world is just trying to goad us into watching them back with that "we're watching you" stuff.
Well, you know how they're always getting all mad at us for not paying any attention to them and being ignorant of where they are located on maps and shit!
Watching them, watching us, watching them, yah man, that'd be a huge waste of time, that's why the rest of world ain't doing anything worth watching, they're too busy watching everybody else, if we fell fer that, then nobody would be doing anything worth watching, it'd be like a French Apocalypse of Nothing Happening or something, what with everybody sitting there, sipping coffee, watching each other watch each other!
Plus watching people is just snoopy and creepy and disrespectful.
That's why I'm proud to maintain my ignorance in all these matters, I consider it my patriotic and sacred duty as an American to conform to the highest standards of excellence in ignorance, I'm not willing to sink to everybody's elses dishonorable level, snooping on each other and invading each other's privacy and treating everybody like shit and rumor mongering and filling the world with jealousy and hate, no matter what it may cost me in Geography-related points on Gameshows, somebody has to maintain some integrity around here and quit cannibalizing the less fortunate in a never-ending illustration of our personal superiority while we smoke cigarettes and try to get laid!
Or whatever, y'know, what do I care, really ahaha.
Shanty Momma
Hey, if we're gonna end up living in cardboard box shanty towns, then we're gonna come together as Americans and make sure that our cardboard box shanty towns are the best cardboard box shanty towns that the world has ever seen!
We can like, attach our cardboard boxes together and make huge-ass cardboard box mazes and mansions with tennis courts and exercise rooms and treehouses with working elevators and shit, it'll be awesome, we'll be the envy of the Better Cardboard Boxes & Gardens community baby.
We should make a fake documentary about failing to make a documentary about some guys who failed to make a successful Greeting Card For Pets company, where the whole thing takes place next to a rack of "greeting cards for pets" at a tourist shop on a tropical island or something.
Y'know, where they're all like, "Missing You" and "Wish You Were Here" cards for all the guilty rich people on vacation to send back to the pets they have locked away in kennels and shit, rich people don't actually care about their pets, but some of 'em do care about how they seem to care about their pets, its just that the poor people at the Greetings Card For Pets company over-estimated their vanity and under-estimated their stingyness, that's like, the whole statement of the movie, its this existential tension thingie where you watch one rich tourist after another make faces and noises as they decide not to buy "Wish You Were Here" postcards for their pets.
I'd rather make a fake documentary about failing to make a documentary about some guys who failed to make a successful Travel Show on PBS but that sounded too expensive, y'know.
Unless the reason they failed to make a successful Travel Show was that it was too expensive to actually travel to the places they were supposed to do the shows about, that'd be kinda funny if they never got to go anywhere and they got caught (by a competing Travel Show Star) for trying to trick everybody into thinking that they actually went to the places they were talking about ahaha awhellyah man I am a veritable goldmine of shit like this.
See, no matter what happens, the folks who live in my cardboard box shanty town are never gonna have to worry about what we're going to do for some entertainment.
We can like, attach our cardboard boxes together and make huge-ass cardboard box mazes and mansions with tennis courts and exercise rooms and treehouses with working elevators and shit, it'll be awesome, we'll be the envy of the Better Cardboard Boxes & Gardens community baby.
We should make a fake documentary about failing to make a documentary about some guys who failed to make a successful Greeting Card For Pets company, where the whole thing takes place next to a rack of "greeting cards for pets" at a tourist shop on a tropical island or something.
Y'know, where they're all like, "Missing You" and "Wish You Were Here" cards for all the guilty rich people on vacation to send back to the pets they have locked away in kennels and shit, rich people don't actually care about their pets, but some of 'em do care about how they seem to care about their pets, its just that the poor people at the Greetings Card For Pets company over-estimated their vanity and under-estimated their stingyness, that's like, the whole statement of the movie, its this existential tension thingie where you watch one rich tourist after another make faces and noises as they decide not to buy "Wish You Were Here" postcards for their pets.
I'd rather make a fake documentary about failing to make a documentary about some guys who failed to make a successful Travel Show on PBS but that sounded too expensive, y'know.
Unless the reason they failed to make a successful Travel Show was that it was too expensive to actually travel to the places they were supposed to do the shows about, that'd be kinda funny if they never got to go anywhere and they got caught (by a competing Travel Show Star) for trying to trick everybody into thinking that they actually went to the places they were talking about ahaha awhellyah man I am a veritable goldmine of shit like this.
See, no matter what happens, the folks who live in my cardboard box shanty town are never gonna have to worry about what we're going to do for some entertainment.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Bush Rider
Dude this economy thingie must be pretty serious if George W is willing to risk pissing off the last of his supporters by interrupting Knight Rider to blabber about it.
Ah he's going on at 8pm after Knight Rider is over boy that dude is one sly fox huh nothing to worry about there man he prolly just wants to be the first to talk about how cool Knight Rider was ahaha.
Hey, I got an idea for a new gameshow:
"Are You Smarter Than Somebody Who Married a Millionaire"
It'd work, trust me, its got everything it needs built into it already ahaha.
Yah its one of those "bittersweet victory" thingies even if you win, those are worth extra points y'know heh.
Hey, I told you asshats to marry a millionaire but you hopeless-ass romantics were all like "oh no dude I think I'd rather be poor" so I don't wanna hear none of yer shit dude I should be living large in your poolhouse as your "spiritual advisor" or something already ahaha.
Ah he's going on at 8pm after Knight Rider is over boy that dude is one sly fox huh nothing to worry about there man he prolly just wants to be the first to talk about how cool Knight Rider was ahaha.
Hey, I got an idea for a new gameshow:
"Are You Smarter Than Somebody Who Married a Millionaire"
It'd work, trust me, its got everything it needs built into it already ahaha.
Yah its one of those "bittersweet victory" thingies even if you win, those are worth extra points y'know heh.
Hey, I told you asshats to marry a millionaire but you hopeless-ass romantics were all like "oh no dude I think I'd rather be poor" so I don't wanna hear none of yer shit dude I should be living large in your poolhouse as your "spiritual advisor" or something already ahaha.
Big Brotherocracy
This is pretty goddam funny.
I think it would get more people involved in the democratic process if we switched the whole thing around so that we were allowed to vote for who we hated the most and get rid of them.
Hate has way less accessibility issues than love does, y'know?
Like, on our touch-tone phones, we could just press 1 to get rid of this guy, or press 2 to get rid of that guy, y'know, it could be all instantaneous and futuristic and stuff like that.
And then the guy we voted off the show would be notified on his phone with a foghorn sound effect or something heh.
Have it all happening in real-time with camera phones everywhere, y'know, government should be reality-tv style, totally, none of this crap where folks have all this time to dick around and have folks write 'em speeches and shit, we need to pick up some speed here, baby, think a little quicker on our toes, I don't wanna hear all these stupid excuses for everything, things need to start getting done.
Democracy oughta be all smooth and responsive and super adaptive and shit like that.
Dude, now that is the way to do it, one slip up and blam, the People Have Spoken, you are outta there, pack yer shit, flintstone.
Huh?
Yah well we'd have to come up with some kinda secondary system for putting people up on the Block and shit, I still got some kinks to work out and junk ahaha.
I think it would get more people involved in the democratic process if we switched the whole thing around so that we were allowed to vote for who we hated the most and get rid of them.
Hate has way less accessibility issues than love does, y'know?
Like, on our touch-tone phones, we could just press 1 to get rid of this guy, or press 2 to get rid of that guy, y'know, it could be all instantaneous and futuristic and stuff like that.
And then the guy we voted off the show would be notified on his phone with a foghorn sound effect or something heh.
Have it all happening in real-time with camera phones everywhere, y'know, government should be reality-tv style, totally, none of this crap where folks have all this time to dick around and have folks write 'em speeches and shit, we need to pick up some speed here, baby, think a little quicker on our toes, I don't wanna hear all these stupid excuses for everything, things need to start getting done.
Democracy oughta be all smooth and responsive and super adaptive and shit like that.
Dude, now that is the way to do it, one slip up and blam, the People Have Spoken, you are outta there, pack yer shit, flintstone.
Huh?
Yah well we'd have to come up with some kinda secondary system for putting people up on the Block and shit, I still got some kinks to work out and junk ahaha.
The Smoking Monkey Show
When I said we should do a TV show, I didn't mean a good one.
I don't wanna get trapped doing anything like the Mentalist, where we got characters that are supposed to be all super smart and stuff, duking it out in a battle of wits every episode, that kinda shit is way the hell too hard to write.
Yah, you can go ahead and try to pull shit like that off week after week after week, we'll see how long you last heh.
Yah, naw, I meant that we should do something with totally low standards and properly managed expectations and shit, y'know, like Knight Rider or something, something where folks would be surprised and happy any time we accidentally did something that was halfway decent.
Just thinking about all the parents that are gonna be stuck watching that Knight Rider show makes me laugh man ahaha.
But we could do something good for those people.
Maybe not something as good as Knight Rider, y'know, 'cause that's a lot of work, actually, you need a fancy looking car with like, working lights and stuff for that, and you gotta do jumps and stunts and stuff, there's way the hell too much effort and money and danger involved in something like that.
Naw, see, I was thinking more along the lines of one of those shows where they got a talking monkey or something.
Yah, naw, see, we don't need a monkey that can actually talk, we could just have the whole show be one of those voice-over narration type dealies, from the perspective of the monkey, like they did everything on the Wonder Years, y'know?
So we can save ourselves some money there, we could just get ourselves a nice cheap non-talking monkey fer something like that.
Yah, I dunno how much monkeys cost but they can't be that expensive, a non-talking monkey has gotta be cheaper than a talking car, its prolly only a couple hundred bucks or something.
See, that'd be perfect, and all the parents would be stuck watching our talking monkey show, too, y'know, 'cause you can't watch shit about serial killers, if yer a parent, and kids love that talking monkey shit hahaha suckers.
Dude c'mon seriously the added bonus of getting to torture all the parents stuck watching our talking monkey show with their kids really puts this one over the top heh.
And we can make the monkey do all sorts of bad shit, too, like smoking cigarettes and crap, so that the parents have to be mean to their kids and not let 'em watch the show 'cause the monkey might teach 'em to smoke ahaha awhellyah y'know now that's the kinda awkard and awesome shit that makes life worth waking up for in the morning ahaha.
Meanwhile all the cool kids at school with cool parents that let 'em watch the Smoking Monkey Show will get all the chicks, and the ones that aren't allowed to watch it will end up as social misfits and rejects and they won't be able to find anybody to go to Prom with let alone reproduce with and thus the Smoking Monkey Show Fans will eventually take over the world.
Heck, the controversy alone is all the publicity we need, y'know with the way the journalists on the news are all insane-o with the health consciousness stuff, trying to keep everybody frightened so they'll keep watching the news for answers, they're gonna look like extremist dietary whackos going after our cute little Smoking Monkey, what with their barbie doll plastic surgery faces all twisted up into unnatural and rubbery looking masks of corporate pharmaceutical-fueled outrage ahaha.
Hell yah man, we could probably even get some fundage from Big Tobacco, too, y'know, like the talking car commercial show gets money from whoever makes the car.
Dude, a smoking monkey is a million times more loveable and American than a smoking camel, I mean, c'mon, wtf, don't camels spit and shit?
And Tobacco is a plant, man, so its all "green" and automatically environmentally conscious and stuff, just like the peaceful nature-loving Monkey ahaha.
"The Smoking Monkey is against Global Warming!"
Yah man, see, this idea just keeps getting better and better.
I don't wanna get trapped doing anything like the Mentalist, where we got characters that are supposed to be all super smart and stuff, duking it out in a battle of wits every episode, that kinda shit is way the hell too hard to write.
Yah, you can go ahead and try to pull shit like that off week after week after week, we'll see how long you last heh.
Yah, naw, I meant that we should do something with totally low standards and properly managed expectations and shit, y'know, like Knight Rider or something, something where folks would be surprised and happy any time we accidentally did something that was halfway decent.
Just thinking about all the parents that are gonna be stuck watching that Knight Rider show makes me laugh man ahaha.
But we could do something good for those people.
Maybe not something as good as Knight Rider, y'know, 'cause that's a lot of work, actually, you need a fancy looking car with like, working lights and stuff for that, and you gotta do jumps and stunts and stuff, there's way the hell too much effort and money and danger involved in something like that.
Naw, see, I was thinking more along the lines of one of those shows where they got a talking monkey or something.
Yah, naw, see, we don't need a monkey that can actually talk, we could just have the whole show be one of those voice-over narration type dealies, from the perspective of the monkey, like they did everything on the Wonder Years, y'know?
So we can save ourselves some money there, we could just get ourselves a nice cheap non-talking monkey fer something like that.
Yah, I dunno how much monkeys cost but they can't be that expensive, a non-talking monkey has gotta be cheaper than a talking car, its prolly only a couple hundred bucks or something.
See, that'd be perfect, and all the parents would be stuck watching our talking monkey show, too, y'know, 'cause you can't watch shit about serial killers, if yer a parent, and kids love that talking monkey shit hahaha suckers.
Dude c'mon seriously the added bonus of getting to torture all the parents stuck watching our talking monkey show with their kids really puts this one over the top heh.
And we can make the monkey do all sorts of bad shit, too, like smoking cigarettes and crap, so that the parents have to be mean to their kids and not let 'em watch the show 'cause the monkey might teach 'em to smoke ahaha awhellyah y'know now that's the kinda awkard and awesome shit that makes life worth waking up for in the morning ahaha.
Meanwhile all the cool kids at school with cool parents that let 'em watch the Smoking Monkey Show will get all the chicks, and the ones that aren't allowed to watch it will end up as social misfits and rejects and they won't be able to find anybody to go to Prom with let alone reproduce with and thus the Smoking Monkey Show Fans will eventually take over the world.
Heck, the controversy alone is all the publicity we need, y'know with the way the journalists on the news are all insane-o with the health consciousness stuff, trying to keep everybody frightened so they'll keep watching the news for answers, they're gonna look like extremist dietary whackos going after our cute little Smoking Monkey, what with their barbie doll plastic surgery faces all twisted up into unnatural and rubbery looking masks of corporate pharmaceutical-fueled outrage ahaha.
Hell yah man, we could probably even get some fundage from Big Tobacco, too, y'know, like the talking car commercial show gets money from whoever makes the car.
Dude, a smoking monkey is a million times more loveable and American than a smoking camel, I mean, c'mon, wtf, don't camels spit and shit?
And Tobacco is a plant, man, so its all "green" and automatically environmentally conscious and stuff, just like the peaceful nature-loving Monkey ahaha.
"The Smoking Monkey is against Global Warming!"
Yah man, see, this idea just keeps getting better and better.
The Good News
Teachers, frustrated with how stupid their students are, unanimously voted for a shift in the grading system today, where a score of 1% will now be considered a "D," and anything over a score of 50% or more will now be considered "unanimous."
All the other letters are in the middle of them two things, they didn't get rid of any.
"This is a huge win for teachers," said this hot teacher chick, "now we won't have to waste so much time with that crap."
"And this will make the students be smarter," said this other guy, "and that's what teaching is all about."
"Now the teachers won't have to teach us so hard," said another person who was shorter than the other guy.
As for the rest of the community, they seemed to be under the mistaken impression that I was auditioning them for that America's Got Talent thing on TV, you know, with the English Judge guy, it seems kinda weird that we use an English Judge guy to judge American Talent like that, don't it?
Its like they're looking for English talent or something, really.
See, that's probably why people are having such a hard time winning the thing!
Which reminds me, isn't it kinda dumb to call the news "news" just because its new?
I thought this stuff was supposed to be all smart and serious and spelled right and junk.
Calling it "news" just seems kinda cheesy, to me, if you really think about it, its like the "s" on the end is supposed to make it sound cute or something.
Well, whatever, some of them really could sing pretty good, and there was a couple of ones that might actually make it.
We'll be keeping our fingers crossed over here, Bob.
All the other letters are in the middle of them two things, they didn't get rid of any.
"This is a huge win for teachers," said this hot teacher chick, "now we won't have to waste so much time with that crap."
"And this will make the students be smarter," said this other guy, "and that's what teaching is all about."
"Now the teachers won't have to teach us so hard," said another person who was shorter than the other guy.
As for the rest of the community, they seemed to be under the mistaken impression that I was auditioning them for that America's Got Talent thing on TV, you know, with the English Judge guy, it seems kinda weird that we use an English Judge guy to judge American Talent like that, don't it?
Its like they're looking for English talent or something, really.
See, that's probably why people are having such a hard time winning the thing!
Which reminds me, isn't it kinda dumb to call the news "news" just because its new?
I thought this stuff was supposed to be all smart and serious and spelled right and junk.
Calling it "news" just seems kinda cheesy, to me, if you really think about it, its like the "s" on the end is supposed to make it sound cute or something.
Well, whatever, some of them really could sing pretty good, and there was a couple of ones that might actually make it.
We'll be keeping our fingers crossed over here, Bob.
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